Fantasy Profiles: The Child Actor Who Has Fallen Off the Face of the Earth
“Fantasy Profiles” takes an inside look at the different personalities we’ve encountered during league play—the good guys, the lunatics, the scumbags, the geniuses, and, of course, the girls.
The “Child Actor Who Has Fallen Off the Face of the Earth” is a rare breed. He is known only to those who have been playing in the same fantasy league for many, many years. With league turnover being as high as it is these days, the Child Actor is like a beautiful blonde who loves to cook and clean for her man, or a job that pays well and doesn’t make you want to kill yourself before work each day—there just aren’t many of them around anymore.
The Child Actor started when he was about 12 years old. He was the first commissioner of your league. He had an instant attraction to fantasy football unlike anything you’ve ever seen. He would spend countless hours on Monday nights poring over the sports section of the newspaper in order to calculate weekly point totals. He would study film and read every piece of fantasy literature he could get his hands on while the rest of us were busy thinking about cars and teenage girls.
He made it so the waiver wire ran on a first-come, first-serve basis, and he was always first to pick up every decent player on the wire. Did your starting RB go down hard in a game you were watching? That’s right, Child Actor was there to pick up his replacement before your gimpy RB could even make it off the field—it wasn’t even worth running to the phone to make the move (computers weren’t around yet) because you knew it would be too late.
Because of his hard work and determination, Child Actor won at least three championships within the first five years of league play. Then everybody grew up and realized what was important in life. We all woke up one day and wondered how the hell he was winning the damn thing every year and why we weren’t equally obsessed with this game until now.
We all turned into crazed FF fans and dedicated our lives to the game. We changed the waiver wire settings so he couldn’t beat us to the punch. And just like that, Child Actor disappeared. He never won again. Sure, he made some noise here and there, but he never regained the magic that he had during the early years. The game passed him by, and he never recovered.
Like most child actors who have fallen off the face of the Earth, he still tries to make a comeback. He’s tried everything. He has weird superstitions like wearing the same shirt and ordering the same food until he loses. He has even set up a fantasy shrine in the northeast corner of his apartment so he can pray to the Fantasy G-ds before kickoff each week. Nothing has worked, but he will never stop trying.
Nobody knows whether the Child Actor Who Has Fallen Off the Face of the Earth will ever be able to pop the champagne bottle and celebrate another title. All we know is that he will fight to reclaim his former glory until the earlier of death or going blind and deaf. Only time will tell.
Original image via Flixster
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