Maria Sharapova Gets a Strange Valentine's Day Love Letter

Rocky GettersSenior Writer IFebruary 12, 2009

February 12, Maria Sharapova received a strange love letter from an unknown guy named Rocky. Fortunately, this b/r reporter acquired the entire letter along with the transcript of comments of Rocky's inner voice while writing the letter. Here it is...

Dear Ms. Maria Sharapova,

I love you!

*Inner voice: Warning! Coming on too strong! Quick, now say something to cover it.*

Those are most certainly not the words a person uses to begin a letter to someone he hasn't even met ever. But its hard to think of any fancy or classy formal words for it right now as I look at your picture above me. So I thought, lets just stick to the point!

*Inner voice: You're just not a good starter, are you now? Oh, give some compliments; women adore compliments.*

Its amazing how one person can leave me so enchanted, her angelic face can leave me so dreamy, her magical presence can leave me so thrilled, and her engaging eyes can make me fall so much in love with her. But it has happened indeed. And I stand as a romantic victim of your relentless charm!

*Inner voice: Niiiiice.*

Maria, your name echoes as the rhythm of my heartbeat. I love you.

*Inner voice: Dude, you're on fire.*

Who am I? Definitely NOT a stalker, seriously not a pervert, probably not a flirt, maybe one of millions who have leased their hearts to you. But not just any stranger, an audacious brand who says what he means.

*Inner voice: Yeah, better clarify you're not a stalker to avoid any lawsuits. I have a feeling this letter might get a few...*

"Stranger" is a debatable term really, seeing as you have been closer to my heart for all these days. I wonder if you saw me when you were waving to the crowd after you won the US Open. I was the one pushing and shoving guys around me, including a 70-year-old woman (sorry!) and holding a "Marry Me" sign for you!

*Inner voice: Yeah, that was pretty lame. I had told you at the time that you shouldn't have done it.*

I know there are more chances of me spotting a yeti than you reading this open letter, but hey, who knows!

*Inner voice: True. Nobody can stop a fool from dreaming...*

Valentine's day is just two days away. For some souls its a festival of love, for some others its an excuse for love. For me, it'd going to end up being just another hollow day, spent gazing endlessly at your pictures which adorn my house in a blissful hundreds.

*Inner voice: What? I thought we're going to watch Star Trek this Saturday, like we do always. Damn you Getters!* 

But I'm hoping you will choose to alter my misery...On a day devoted to proclaiming and accepting love, would you consider spending it with an average, smart, kinda cute 22-year-old guy here?

*Inner voice: Yeah, my roommate. Idiot, should have just asked—will you go out with ME...* 

Hmmm...that guy is me of course, but you got that, right?

Ok, just asking. Not that you wouldn't get it, cause you're smart despite being a blonde.


Doesn't mean that I think all blondes are dumb though, I don't generalize women, I respect them all, even my annoying boss.

*nervous*  Anyways...

*Inner voice in a sarcastic tone: good work Rocky, you screwed up this letter*


*Inner voice again: Now say something absolutely lovely to recapture her attention...remember Rocky, play it smooth*

Koalas. I can't believe koalas don't mate and humans have know...make them mate and stuff. What do you think about it Maria?

*Inner voice : what the %&^%$?!!  Of all the great things in this world, you chose to change the subject to mating habits of koalas?? What is wrong with you man?*

Uhh...not that I want your opinion on mating practices Maria. Of koalas or humans or anybody really. I just wanted to change the subject...Let's change the subject, cause I can understand its a rather strange subject and all...


I didn't mean "mating" is a strange subject, ok? Just when it comes to koalas and all...

I'm normal in all ways. I like mating. Mating is nice for humans, we should all do it. 

Not...we as in "we"...not that I mind...but I meant there just as in the human race and...

*Inner voice: Shut up already!! Good Lord, I want another human, I cannot be this guy's inner voice anymore, I want out!*

Well, anyways. It'd be my pleasure and honor to be in the presence of your aura. Hope to hear from you soon then.

*Inner voice: Yeah, riiiiiiiiiiight.*



-Ryan (Rocky) Getters.

*Inner voice: That went well...NOT!*

p.s. --> Uhh...sorry again for that whole koala thing, ok Maria?

*Inner voice: I wonder if Maria's father Mr. Sharapoav will read this article. I'm guessing Rocky will then die a quick death soon.

Assuming that, it looks like this will be Rocky's last article on b/r. So I request all you readers (all those who are still reading...) please give this article a POTD and a good rating. Rocky would have liked it that way...

Thanks, oy!*