Welcome back to the Bluths Explain Football, an ongoing series in which the cast of Arrested Development gives you insight into the AFC South.
Today's episode is "In God We Trust." It has something to say about the state of the Jacksonville Jaguars.
Family attorney Barry Zuckercorn has a plan to get George Sr. out of prison for the afternoon to appear in a charity function. Michael wants to replace him. Lucille gets jealous of Michael and Lindsay's new-found bond, which deepens after an afternoon of drinking.
Meanwhile, Buster convinced George Michael to play Adam in the live art pageant. George Michael likes the attention Maeby gives him when he wears the body suit, so he reluctantly agrees.
Michael and Lindsay's plan to humiliate their mother goes awry as Geroge Sr. tries to escape.
Oh, and Tobias is a never-nude. Yeah. It's exactly what it sounds like.
"No 40-year-old woman should look like that."
"No 40-year-old woman does look like that."
-Barry and Michael
The Jaguars were much criticized for the selection of Brian Anger in the third round, but when you think back on the performance of 43-year old Matt Turk last year, it's easy to understand why they saw it as a need area. Turk was terrible and probably cost them one win at least.
Stop booing! There's nothing wrong with it. There are dozens of us. DOZENS!
Cheap shot. I've gained a lot of respect for Jags fans. But hey, I've got a column to write. I'll take jokes where I can get them.
A stay-in-bed mom. Probably because you don't work and you're lazy.
Maurice Jones-Drew has never been called lazy in his life, but he is staying at home and isn't working, at least not with the team. I don't think his holdout will be an issue in a few months, but it's creating a bad impression to fans. That doesn't mean he's wrong to do it, but not everyone understands.
Excuse me, do these effectively hide my thunder?
MJD had a banner year last year, but it was no thanks to Will Rackley, who graded out as one of the worst run-blocking linemen in football. As bad as Blaine Gabbert was, if the Jags can get even mediocre play out of Rackley, they should drastically improved.
"Do you ever get the feeling like no one even sees you?"
"I've got a really good body, so no."
-Maeby and George Michael
The Jags have just one prime time game in 2012, and it's the Colts in a night game, again. The good news is that the franchise seems to be doing better with ticket sales. They've managed to sell out their over-sized stadium plenty in recent years and are connecting well with the fan base. It's just a matter of time before they get more national exposure. Winning will help that.
"I shall duck behind that little garbage car."
"Guy's a pro."
-Wayne Jarvis and Michael
Yeah, I'm going back to MJD and Rackley, just because I think it's funny and appropriate to refer to Rackley as a "little garbage car." As for MoJo, well, he's a pro.
"Where is God?"
"There is no God!"
-Women at charity event
Jags fans need Gabbert to be the answer at quarterback. For a franchise that is still reeling from the decision not to draft Ben Roethlisberger, you get the sense that things have to work out for Gabbert. The Jags passed on Andy Dalton to take him, and if he doesn't pull through, you'll have a lot of fans asking why bad quarterbacks happen to good people.
You have made some tremendous strides today.
Mike Mularkey has been working with Gabbert non-stop for months, and the early returns are positive. In fact, the whole team is looking good. This is normal for OTAs, but it's better than hearing that the whole team is looking bad.
It's always hard for a team to expose itself to the public. NFL franchises prefer to work in secret, but the Jags have bared all. They are all in on Gabbert. They have taken a stand on Jones-Drew. They refuse to let any outside criticism divide them.
Who will step up for the 2012 Jags? Well, it's never the ones you hope, I mean think. You never know where the surprise star will come from. The Jags hope to have people say of them, "They're very good!"
I would only advise them to avoid alcohol. Nothing good comes of that.