Why Bud Selig Wets The Bed

Frank RederContributor IFebruary 11, 2009

Bud Selig is stocking up on Depends adult diapers.

Don't make fun of him!  He's an old man and he has no idea when the leak (pun intended) of other 103 names from the list that sparked the current A-Rod debacle will occur.

To make things even worse on the poor guy's bladder, fans are finally starting to realize that his office deserves a lot of the blame for the so-called "Steroids Era."  They can see that Selig turned a blind eye to the rampant use of steroids because the increase in homerun totals (specifically the McGwire/Sosa race to 61 in 1998) was bringing fans back to the game.

So why does the man who oversaw baseball's return to glory have to change his bed sheets so often?

Because (contrary to popular belief) he's not stupid.

He knows what the implications could be if the list contains some important names.

The best two hitters and the best pitcher of the era have already been accused of allegedly using steroids (Merriam-Webster: Allegedly (adv.) - 1. Without a doubt, a certainty).  What if the 103 names fill in the rest of the top ten?

Imagine what would happen if Albert Pujols was on the list?  Ryan Howard?  Johan Santana?  Manny Ramirez?

What if it was one of the new crop of superstars like Evan Longoria?  Jonathon Papelbon?  Hanley Ramirez?  Ryan Howard?  Joba Chamberlain?

Or worst of all, what if it named a respected veteran with a squeaky clean image like Greg Maddux?  Ken Griffey Jr.?  Derek Jeter?

Any of these names could alienate fans who already sick of the steroid talk.  The record fan turnouts of the past three years would become a distant memory.  Bud Selig would see his job security evaporate overnight.

But whose name will really come out is anyone's guess.  It's been demonstrated time and again that there's really no way of knowing who's on steroids.  Most likely, it'll be names that we've already seen in the Mitchell Report, that have been widely rumored, or mid-level players that won't have too much impact on the average fan.

So, don't start buying stock in Depends' parent company because Bud Selig will probably be able to switch back to his customary tighty-whiteys, though the odds on his wife moving back into bed with him are six to five and pick 'em.