Great news baseball fans! This contributor is going to give you a 5 sure fire recipes to become a multi-million dollar commissioner of a major sport, in this case...Baseball. The best part is you don't need to sit with Regis Philbin, Phone-A-Friend, or Poll the Audience, you just need to buy a cheap tweed suit and be utterly clueless and you'll be ready to get started.
Succeed, and you too can become the fourth highest paid person in your entire sport! Ahead of all of the other thousands of players that actually PLAY your sport! Let's take it from the top:
5. Make sure to call your All Star Game the "Mid-Summer Classic", and classically make sure that this is the ONLY game that could ever possibly finish in a tie. Sure, regular season games, and post-season games will never finish like this, but the one where you bring in all of your super stars and charge outrageous prices for, can! This one is a doozy, and more importantly it allows you to establish No. 4!
4. Make said meaningless game that can end in a tie, determine the Home Field advantage of the most important part your league's game. This is a tremendous treat for the Managers of the games who only get to pick parts of the roster for this meaningless game. While your at it, bring in future VH1 reality child stars waiting for their first work in a decade to play softball with former players who have also been forgotten. Don't forget...over charge obscenely for this as well!
3. Utilize this phrase whenever your in a pinch because you just don't know what to do because you've never planned with any foresight..."It's in the best interest of the Game". This comes in handy during those pesky Winter weather games played in cold cities that are totally unfit to accomodate your warm weather sport...in November! Philly is really turning in to the "Phoenix of the East" from what we have been told.
2. Completely turn a blind eye to the little green "advils" that everyone is eating like tic-tacs before every game. Also, ensure that your official hat supplier for every team has an escalating size chart from S to XXL for the "totally natural" growth of the human skull that strangely enough only occurs in YOUR sport.
Also, get great tutors to help the players keep pace, you are taking over a sport as well where the players are over 70% more likely to suffer from ADHD. Keep the Ritalin and Aderrall handy!
1. Write this one down! It is is very important. Execute steps five through two flawlessly to utterly destroy the game that so many have loved and been raised on. By doing this you will ensure that absolutely no one would possibly want to ever follow in your foot steps again, and you can convince your owners that you work for, that $18 Million a year is a bargain for help this good!
Doing this is not for the faint of hearts. It is going to require total ineptitude, an appearance of no general clue, and a total commitment to future failure. There is great hope for you however. If you can't do it, Bud can! He my friends, has mastered it.
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