M.L.B. To Make Steroid Use Mandatory (Satire)

Aaron LiebmanAnalyst IFebruary 8, 2009

In the wake of the news that Alex Rodriguez tested positive for performance enhancing substances during his 2003 MVP year, Major League Baseball has passed a new policy.  Not only will steroid use be legal, but it will be mandatory for all players in professional baseball.

The steroid scandal has been turned into a witch hunt in the last couple years.  Citing the challenge of catching everyone as well as the humiliation of their best players testing positive, the officials of America's pastime figured the only way to eliminate it as a subject was to take this action.

Legalizing is one thing, but why mandatory?  An anonymous source said it was because, "Although it may be legal, fans and reporters would still wonder who is on it and how much they are using.  By making everybody use it, we'll now have a definite answer."

With news of the policy being passed, Jose Canseco has declared his intentions to make a comeback to the game. "With the holy water being legal now, no one can stop me...except maybe fitting into a uniform."

If it's mandatory, what will happen to those players who do not take the drug?

The anonymous official claimed it would not be an issue.  "There will be no penalty for not taking it, but once they see how well their teammates and opponents are doing with the juice, they'll have no choice."

Now that steroid use is legal in baseball, and the rule that anyone who did test positive in the past would be given a pardon, players such as Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds have finally confirmed that not only did they use, but their blood and bodily fluids are now completely steroid-related. 

Laughing triumphantly over the ruling, Clemens said, "It was hard keeping a straight face during that senate hearing.  I can barely keep a straight face now..."  That was proven as Clemens' maniacal laugh caused him the hickups and he could no longer speak.

As for Barry Bonds.  Well, even though he has joy that his medicine is now legal, he's still a jerk.

Since performance-enhancing substances are now part of the game, what about the records of those who played the game clean, with honor and respect, and what Commisioner Bud Selig called, "boredom"?

"We look forward to the new records that will be set.  Bonds hit 73 in 2001 when sneaking around with steroids.  Imagine how many we can get now."

He went on to say that "We now no longer have to wait with dreaded anticipation when Alex Rodriguez breaks Bonds' home run record. We thought it could take years, but now it could take only months."

Finally, he closed the interview after being asked the question of honesty and fair play, with the quote, "Honesty Schmonesty."