Karaoke Night

Ben RelleContributor IFebruary 6, 2009

Karaoke night…the time where booze plus the songs we secretly love to sing in the shower equals embarrassing, tone-deaf moments in history. Even if we all don’t admit it, karaoke is something we all love to do.

Well, I asked myself a few questions. What if a karaoke bar was filled with athletes and coaches of all different sports? Which athletes would get up and sing? What song would they choose? You never know. Your favorite athlete could be a closet Spice Girls fan.

I have to believe Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo would lead off. Ever since Romo took over the position, he has embraced the stereotype that the quarterback of the Cowboys is a celebrity. He’s dating Jessica Simpson, who is obviously A-list, so he’s obviously succeeding. (If you can’t sense the sarcasm there, I can’t help you anymore.)

Romo would sing “Jesus Take the Wheel” by Carrie Underwood to a chorus of boos from the crowd knowing that he dumped her for Simpson. Romo would in turn scream into the microphone, “Whatever guys! She’s a talented artist!”

After Romo, another quarterback would step up to the stage. Tim Tebow gallops on to the stage in jean shorts and his blue and orange Crocs extremely pumped up as always and flapping his arms up and down to try and get the crowd pumped as well.

The crowd stares in silence as Tebow belts out Asia’s “Heat of the Moment” while consistently jumping up and down.

The next act is a duet performed by Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds. These two men are both being investigated by the federal government for their involvement with steroids and then lying about it.

Evidence in both cases is mounting against these two baseball legends threatening to tarnish their legacies as players and destroy their credibility as human beings.

Bonds and Clemens, filled with emotion, sing a terrible rendition of Kenny Chesney’s “There Goes my Life.” The audience doesn’t really know how to react and sits in silence as the two men tearfully exit the stage.

Next on the list is LeBron James. James walks on stage and turns his back to the audience. Then, a cloud of powder explodes over James’ head and “Welcome to the Jungle” blares over the speakers. The spotlight shines down on King James while he attempts to hit those high notes only Axel Rose can hit. James gets an A for effort.

Can anyone else see Tennessee women’s basketball coach Pat Summit singing and dancing to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”? No? Just me?

After a few drinks, Manny Ramirez makes a surprise appearance on stage. His friends at the table told him that the general manager from the Dodgers was in the audience. So as a joke, they told Manny he needed to sing them a song to make them want to sign him to a big contract.

Ramirez then sings “I Want You to Want Me” like his life depended on it. Finally realizing a joke had been played on him, Ramirez escapes to the bathroom never to return.

The last names on the list are another duet. This time it’s Brett Favre and Joe Paterno singing “End of the Road” by Boyz II Men. As the song ends, both men tell the crowd they both will be retiring and leaving football forever.

The audience gives the two a standing ovation for their singing and the fact that they don’t have to hear about whether either man is or isn’t going to retire from football.

Just as the DJ is beginning to put his equipment away, a figure emerges from the back of the bar. It’s Alex Rodriguez dressed in a shining teal silk shirt. The music begins and the spotlight hits Rodriguez as Enrique Iglesias’ “Bailamos” streams out of the speakers.

A-Rod dances and sings as the crowd of his peers watches the extremely disturbing sight. No one says a word and the bar empties after another night to forget at karaoke.