The Saga of the Pittsburgh Penguins (Satire)

WoooooSenior Writer IFebruary 4, 2009

The Pittsburgh Penguins are set to put their mediocrity on the line tonight when they host the Tampa Bay Lightning at the Mellon Arena. Here's how things will play out tonight, and a series of events that will unfold in the future.

February 4, 2009- Mellon Arena

Ryan Malone returns to Pittsburgh and records a hat trick on three shots on goal, all shorthanded.

Vinny Lecavalier is named the player of the game for posting seven goals, eight assists, and a plus-14 rating in just 6:08 of ice time.

Karri Ramo gets the shutout win, making an astounding 12 saves on Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, and Luca Caputi, since no one else shoots the puck.

Miroslav Satan, a healthy scratch for tonight's contest comes out of the press box at the sound of the final buzzer and asks Penguins' head coach Michel Therrien if he's ever been a healthy scratch?

Therrien replies "no", at which time Satan pulls a pitch fork out of his ass (finally revealing why he skates slower than Hal Gill) and slashes Therrien across the face. It is the most motivated activity that Satan has performed in his lifetime.

Just then, the roof of the Mellon Arena opens and Jean Claude Van Damme, John Curry and Adam Graves jump out of a plane and parachute to the ground.

Before hitting the ground, John Curry cuts the strap to his parachute because he knows he is the third goalie in the Penguins' system behind Mathieu Garon, who has a save percentage lower than the collective IQ of the city of Philadelphia... or lower than eight.

His winning percentage will blow your mind

Graves tells Satan "that was one hell of a slash" and the two make out in the dressing room for the next 45 minutes.

Graves takes time out to put in 20 minutes of slashing practice and fool an entire city into thinking he was an above average hockey player.

Van Damme finds Penguins' television play-by-play announcer, Paul Steigerwald and tells him that his announcing skills have actually decreased since the time of the filming of Sudden Death in 1995.

JCVD roundhouse kicks Steigerwald through a window. Steiggy lands in the middle of Mario Lemieux Place, where he is run over by Mike Lange, who is driving a Panzer. Lange resumes his duties as the Penguins' TV play-by-play announcer.

Therrien contracts AIDS as a result of the slash from Satan and is forced to go to the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center for treatment that same night. However, upon arrival at UPMC, Therrien finds that all doctors on duty have unsuspectedly changed lines, or shifts, and no one can treat him.

Bob Errey takes over as head coach of the Penguins and trades Ryan Whitney, Satan, Mathieu Garon, Hal Gill, Phillippe Boucher, and IceBurgh to Tampa Bay for Gary Roberts.

Roberts scores 128 goals in the final 30 games of the season for the Penguins.

He ends 29 players' careers by looking at them from the bench.

He remains on the Penguins' active roster until the age of 92, never missing a game, at which time he dies on the ice after scoring the game winning goal in Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals.

Jaromir Jagr escapes from Russia, shaves his facial hair, re-grows his mullet and re-joins the Penguins.

Bob Errey becomes the first ever player-coach in the NHL, inspired by Reggie Dunlop in Slap Shot, when he suits up to play left wing on a line with Jagr and Evgeni Malkin.

Sidney Crosby trades himself to Washington because he can't stand the fact that Ovechkin has outplayed him two seasons in a row.

Ovechkin "mysteriously disappears", Crosby buys out Ted Leonsis as majority owner of the Washington Capitals, then relocates the team to Nova Scotia. Leonsis returns to his native Baghdad and opens a chain of Subways.

Upon the team's arrival in Nova Scotia, Crosby trades himself back to Pittsburgh and the Capitals never win another game.

When asked about the horrendous events, which all took place in a 15 minute montage, Mario Lemieux responds with "Ah, well, y'know, ya got ta have da horrendous events. And ahh, obviously, y'know, I'm going to play for da Pittsburgh Penguins again, obviously."

The city of Pittsburgh hires every contracting company in the continental United States and construction on the Consol Energy Center is completed in two weeks.

Lemieux comes out of retirement... again, and the Penguins post an 81-0-1 record in the 2009-10 season.

Their only loss comes against the Toronto Maple Leafs, on the night that they retired Gary Roberts' number. Roberts, as a sign of thanks to his former hometown fans, plays the game as a Leaf.

The Leafs win 33-32 in 9 overtimes. Roberts scores all 33 goals, including the game winner, assisted by himself.

Jagr recruits Ivan Drago as the Penguins' newest enforcer. He racks up 1,256 penalty minutes and 605 fighting majors during the 2009-10 campaign.

His fight card posts a 604-1 record, with his only loss coming at the hands of Rocky Balboa Jr. of the Philadelphia Flyers.

Crosby, Malkin, Lemieux, Roberts, Drago, Errey, and Jagr agree to sign long-term contract extensions with the Penguins.

These seven players agree that they don't need any defensemen, or a goaltender, because they know the other team will never touch the puck.

Bob Errey becomes the only player in NHL history to have his first and last name printed on the back of his jersey.

The NHL puts the Penguins on a permanent two-man power play, because Sidney Crosby is the "golden child", allowing them to keep all seven of their active players on the ice for the entirity of every game they play.

The Penguins never lose again.



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