Robin Van Persie: What the Loss of the Striker Would Mean for Arsenal

Chances are, if you live in America and you're a fan of the form of football that doesn't involve helmets and shoulder pads, then you have a friend who supports Arsenal.

Maybe two. Maybe more.

Which means that, right about now, you have a friend (maybe two, maybe more) who could use your strength and consolation while they sweat out the impending decision of Robin van Persie. He's currently weighing whether to stay at Arsenal, for whom he has professed his love in the past, or bolt for greater gold and glory at a filthy-rich club like Manchester City, Manchester United, Barcelona and Real Madrid, among others.

Or maybe that friend is you, in which case, Godspeed to you, Gunner.

I, myself, have developed a certain fondness for Arsenal and, in turn, RVP, the flying Dutchman whose talismanic talents helped to lift the club out of the depths of a dreadful summer and an even more dispiriting start to the English Premier League season on the way to a third place finish and a 15th consecutive trip to the group stage of the UEFA Champions League.

Clearly, the prospect of losing him—about which the always-panicky English tabloids have been in full-throttle "Chicken Little" mode for some time now—is a dire one. After all, replacing a man who scored 37 goals along with 14 assists and garnered the PFA Player of the Year Award while serving as the club's skipper is no easy task.

For a deeper insight into all of this RVP business, I turned to a shady source of mine who describes himself as a member of the "Arsenal Secret Police", which might better be described as a misfit band of internet bandits whose objectives include installing Thierry Henry as Lord Protector of the Realm, finding Arsene Wenger a warmer jacket and trolling Tottenham supporters whenever and wherever possible.

In any case, his depth of knowledge about Arsenal knows no bounds, so I asked him for his reaction. For the purposes of protecting his identity, we'll call him "Goon".

ME: Goon! What do you think about all of this RVP business?

GOON: You're not recording this are you? 'Cause if you are...

ME: Don't worry about it! Nobody will ever see or hear what you have to say (wink).

GOON: Okay, good. First of all, I find all of this speculation to be repulsive. As of now, there's been no actual indication that he's leaving. Arsenal had ONE DAY of negotiations with him, and NOTHING can possibly get done in such a short span of time, especially with a player as important as RVP.

If anything, he may have just wanted to see a commitment from the club to improve via the transfer market this summer, or perhaps they didn't complete a deal in time.

It must be noted, too, that RVP has two children (Dina Layla and Shaqueel) who were born and have been raised in London. Van Persie may be Dutch, but that doesn't mean he doesn't care about his family. He'd be loth to uproot his children and his wife, Bouchra, from a place where they're happy—eating kidney pie and drinking tea and whatever other activities with which Londoners busy themselves—unless he thinks it's a safe choice.

He's also said in the past that he wants his children to be raised in the English way, learning about King This and Queen That and which dukes and duchesses live where and whatnot.

So, really, I don't see him leaving for Spain or Italy or the Russian boondocks.

ME: (starts snoring)

GOON: Also, like any Arsenal legend (Forward, Henry!), I doubt he'll put his legacy with the Gunners at stake by ditching us for an EPL rival.

Furthermore, I can't help but think that this pish posh of interest from top clubs is overblown. He's kind of old (he'll be 29 in August) and, this past season aside, he's struggled to stay fit.

Really, this media firestorm is all a bunch of poppycock drummed up by the vultures of the British press who find Arsenal to be an easy target.

ME: (wakes up) You off your soapbox yet?

GOON: Yes.

ME: Great...so, back to my original question, what happens if/when RVP leaves?

GOON: (sigh) You enjoy tormenting me, don't you?

ME: Can't help it.

GOON: Fair enough. In what respect though? In footballing terms?

ME: Sure, let's start (again) there.

GOON: In footballing terms, the quality of the side would slip significantly. He's an elite, world-class talent, probably the only player of such quality at the Emirates at present. Jack Wilshere and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain have the potential to join him in that regard, but for now, his talent is what's keeping this club afloat among the top tier of English football. Assuming he's healthy, he can be expected to produce a ton of goals.

ME: Would losing that trigger any sort of tactical changes for Arsene?

GOON: Maybe, maybe not. It's possible that Wenger reverts back to a 4-4-2, with Theo Walcott up top in a role similar to the one that Henry (Hallowed Be Thy Name) so gloriously occupied in the Times of Silverware. Trouble is, Walcott is nowhere as complete as was Henry (For He is Great in All Things), so I doubt it would actually work.

If he sticks with the current 4-3-3 arrangement, he'd probably plug new boy Lukas Podolski into RVP's spot, unless he's able to find another dedicated center forward somewhere else. Technically, Nicklas Bendtner would be available for that spot, but he's rubbish. If Arsene wants to roll the dice with young players, he could throw Ryo Miyaichi, who spent the season on loan at Bolton Wanderers, or Joel Campbell, who was at Lorient, into that spot.

From that perspective, though, the real problem with losing RVP is that it hampers Arsene's ability to switch over to a set-up like Barcelona's. Ideally, he'd have RVP playing a deeper "false nine" role, much like Lionel Messi does, while Podolski and Walcott or The Ox make diagonal runs into the box. I think that would be very effective and I'd like to see it.

But, in footballing terms, RVP can be replaced.

ME: After all that?

GOON: Sure. Players always come and go, and the transfer fees raked in from RVP could be used to reinvest in any number of talented forwards.

ME: Like who?

GOON: In a perfect world, we'd plunder Radamel Falcao from Atletico Madrid. I mean, who wouldn't want a guy who can do this on the pitch?

But that's a long shot. If Madrid were willing to sell him, we'd probably have to compete with City, Chelsea and whichever other mobsters would like him as a shiny, new (and rather expensive) toy.

ME: Soooo, if not Falcao?

GOON: Honestly, as long as it's someone who can finish and has decent technical skills and physical ability, the Gunners will be fine. Olivier Giroud from Montpellier seems to be a trendy name right now, but he's really only got one or two seasons of outstanding work under his belt, as far as I know.

Robert Lewandoski from Borussia Dortmund could be a good fit as well, given his quality and the fact that he's coming from a system similar to the one Arsene runs. 

The real issue with losing van Persie, though, is in the message it sends.

ME: What? Like a raven?

GOON: No, you idiot! We're not talking about the actual "Game of Thrones." Just the one on the bloody transfer market!

ME: Sorry. Do continue.

GOON: Very well. As I was saying, the real problem with RVP's possible departure would be one of message and morale. He would be just the latest in a long line of world-class players who've left North London for greener pastures, from Henry (The Alpha, The Omega and The Deuteron), Kolo Toure and Emmanuel Adebayor to Gael Clichy, $amir Na$ri and Cesc Fabregas, the latter grouping of whom all left last summer.

ME: Aye, I remember it all too well.

GOON: Those were dark times at the Emirates. We all knew the winter was coming and all, but...

ME: But?

GOON: Nevermind (sigh). The point is, losing another player along those lines would signal to the world that Arsenal is no longer a top club, that we have no ambition. Such would essentially leave us unable to sign a certain quality of player, the kind who might actually help us capture some silverware again.

ME: Isn't that already happening?

GOON: Yes, of course. We can't compete with the absurd wages that City and Real Madrid offer. But if we lack ambition, if we lack the drive and desire to win trophies (in which regard Arsenal have failed since 2005), then there will be nothing with which to entice the best players in the world to the Emirates.

Other than the shirt, of course.

We don't want to be relegated to the status of a feeder club for the powers of Europe, a side from which those with deeper pockets can simply handpick their next crop of stars. It's disheartening, is what it is, to possibly see the Gunners slip even further in prestige.

ME: Certainly has me depressed now.

GOON: Indeed. The moral of the story is, losing RVP is something that can't happen if Arsenal want to continue moving toward the top.

Not for another season, at least.

Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time to bring my daily offerings to the statue of Henry (On Highbury).

ME: You mean, the one outside the Emirates? I thought you were stateside?

GOON: No, you buffoon! I'm talking about the one I constructed out of silly putty and chicken wire three years ago.

ME: You still have that?

GOON: Of course! What else am I going to do with it? Sell it at a garage sale?

ME: Good point.

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