Red Sox Kevin Youkilis and Yankee Joba Chamberlain on a Collision Course

Roy LevineCorrespondent IFebruary 2, 2009

On Sunday, speaking before out of town press at the Hungry Man Buffet in Quincy,  Red Sox first baseman, Kevin Youkilis, weighed in today on the Yankees plans to move Joba Chamberlain into the Yankees' starting rotation.  Said Youkilis, “Joba Chamberlain has had it in for me since he got to the Big Leagues.”  He continued, “maybe it’s my mannerisms or my shtick, but the guy doesn’t like me.  Maybe if he sees me more times per game, he will calm down and be more accepting of people who are a little different.” 

Doctors at Massachusetts General said as much.  According to neurologist, Eigot Munchausen, MD, Chamberlain is not the first baseball pitcher to be diagnosed with Manchurian Candidate Syndrome. 

Said Grady Little, recently retired manager of the Red Sox, “These guys get it drilled into their heads, ‘Don’t let Youkilis beat you,’ and pretty soon they are trying to drill one into Yuke’s head.  The solution is to let Chamberlain start games, so he will be less emotional by the time the eighth inning comes around.”

Apparently, whenever Youkilis goes into his exaggerated Hideki Matsui plate appearance itchy armpit ceremony, something goes berserk in Chamberlain’s head.  Call it “Kill or be killed.”

Johnny Damon, formerly with both the Red Sox and the Yankees and now on his second stint with the Royals (because it is not about the money) said: “The Yankee-Red Sox competition has gotten out of hand.  Someone is gonna get hurt.  I made my money and I am getting out.  I will not become another Muhammad Ali for the almighty dollar.

While Chamberlain's homestate of Nebraska does not allow the Manchurian Candidate Syndrome defense in the current DUI case he faces, it has been learned from sources close to Chamberlain’s defense that it will be raised so that the next time he is “busted” there is a case to be made to MLB that Chamberlain is indeed stricken with Manchurian Candidate Syndrome and that fans and ownership understand that Chamberlain is to be supported and not shunned like Mo Vaughn

Varying sources have confirmed that Chamberlain, a Native American, was surrounded in an Omaha strip club with "whooping morons from Red Sox Nation".  Mindful of the treatment of the Great Plains Indians only 130 years ago, Chamberlain prudently left the establishment with the beer he was then drinking to avoid Manifest Destiny.

Marvin Miller, former Executive Director of the Major League Player’s Association, was contacted on the subject of Chamberlain’s desire to bean Youkilis. Miller said that Major League Baseball has never liked ballplayers or their union representatives and that MLB is only too happy to have arbitration eligible players killed and replaced with minimum wage slobs.  As a Yankee fan, Miller hoped that if Chamberlain is intent on killing Youkilis with the old “high hard one,” it would be as a starter so ownership could not say, “I told you so.”