MLB: Clean Up The AL EAST!! Throw Tampa Bay And Toronto...Out!!

GogolsNoseContributor IJanuary 30, 2009

Dear Imaginary MLB Commish who will change the Divisions, I have a simple, multiple-choice, brain teaser for you:

Which of the following, does NOT belong with the others in the group:

A)  Red

B)  Blue

C)  Yellow

D)  Green

E)  Armored Tank

Now, if that question was particularly vexing for you, then don't bother reading any further.

Let's start with a basic, irrefutable fact.  The AL East is the crown-jewel of MLB.  The AL East is the best, most historic, and most interesting division in baseball...hands-down.

So, let's start treating it as such.

Someone with the intellect, perspicacity and the necessary authority needs to kick Tampa Bay out of the American League East.  If politics is the bellwether of human foibles and transgressions, it can be affirmed without equivocation that unworthy crackheads frequently ascend to the highest levels of authority and somehow goof up the simplest of tasks.  

Screwing up the AL East is like spending days baking the perfect, most delectable, wedding cake, and then dropping a 50 pound watermelon on it from a ladder. Seriously, that seems to be the type of thinking behind the groupings of MLB divisions.  Tampa Bay (and Toronto) doesn't belong with the Big Boys.  Neither are AL East material.  Get 'em out.

Let's think of the AL East as if we were cleaning a disgusting, filthy house we just entered-- a house suffering from years of neglect and disrepair... We know it's bad, so we gotta go in there with chutzpah, masks, jumpsuits, a fumigator and a fully-juiced flamethrower.  So, our first target should be Tampa Bay.  Torch it.

As we progress with our spring-cleaning, let's take on a second room, and lose Toronto.  Yup.  Take it to the dump...the National League.  Ship it off to where they go crazy for crappy, organ music.  

And where they have a sempiternal love affair for cheap, lame, artificial turf-- where the baseballs bounce around like lacrosse balls.  Toronto has all the makings and personality of a National League team... it plays on shitty, fake astroturf, and it has an annoying affinity for feminine, 80's-inspired uniforms.

Whoever had the cajones-- and the genius, to kick Detroit out of the AL East, I want to thank them seriously.  Cuz Detroit blows.  Always has.  You can only shine a turd for so long-- until you come back to the unfortunate realization that the turd you've been shining-- is still just a turd.  

Detroit is a crapland of overpaid, myopic CEOs, meathead union-thugs, and dilapidated houses 8 billions light years from the historic, NorthEastern corridor.  So, thumbs up on losing Detroit.  I liked Sparky Anderson, and the Red Wings should be in a different League, but that's all there is to Detroit.  Oh-- sorry, forgot Eminem.

If the AL East were done PROPERLY it would include the following teams: the NY Yankees, the Red Sox, the O's, the DC Nationals, and the Phillies.  We'd have to convert the Phillies, but since they play on grass now, and they have American historical significance, they need in.  Just think about it... the rivalries would be so much better!  And if pulled off correctly, the DC-Baltimore rivalry would be particularly great!