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Super Bowl Tips for the Non-Fan

chris lContributor IOctober 28, 2016

Some people are casual NFL football fans. That is, they flip by it en route to Weather Network barometric pressure readings and pause for a quick glance up the miniskirt of a particularly comely cheerleader.

We’d like to reach out to those people—not literally, as we don’t know where their hands have been, but in the spirit of inclusiveness ushered in by the new president, to give them a few choice insights that’ll make the eight-and-a-half hours of programming that much more palatable and necessitate fewer "bathroom" or "smoke" breaks.

First off, there is no "bowl"...the trophy consists of a football perched obliquely atop a stand. There is no chalice, goblet, or any other type of potentially liquid-containing vessel to speak of, which doesn’t seem appropriate somehow given the Niagara Falls-like volume of cheap swill that is consumed over the course of a Sunday—but we digress.

The two teams battling for bragging rights over this non-bowl are the Pittsburgh Steelers (black and yellow) and the Arizona Cardinals (red), the former one of those old-timey clubs inextricably linked to their town’s rugged, blue-collar industrial, rust belt, crime-ridden roots, and the latter a team based in the desert.

The Steelers date back to when the game was played with a large piece of stone procured from an open pit mine rather than a ball, and their star players were named Biff, Scout, Rosco, Tex, Gopher, and Lenny. They wear black, are hyper-aggressive, vicious, and generally win more often than they lose.

By contrast, on the other side of the ball, are the Cardinals—not the powerful guys who can elect a pope, but the ones who are likely to shit on your feeder and get a mauling from the family pet. They’ve been terrible ever since the desert was made fit for human habitation (a point which could be argued if you’ve ever actually set foot in Phoenix).

The big, lumbering, slow-witted looking guy who looks like he should be delivering parcels for UPS or fishing things out of your eavestrough is Ben Roethlisberger (Roth-liss-burger).

He is the quarterback, a star player for the Steelers, and will be the recipient of much blame should his team lose on Monday (much like you will be that same morning, as you’re trying to uncross your eyes and focus on your boss’ dressing down, mid-hangover).

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