Beer, Blood, and Boobage: Exactly What the Super Bowl Halftime Show Needs

Andrew BrownContributor IJanuary 30, 2009

I don’t know about you, but I’m sick of the Super Bowl’s halftime show. There have been a few respectable performers that have been asked to entertain the millions of watchers across the nation, but more often than not, the show is embarrassing.

Don’t tell me about the numerous legends of Rock n’ Roll that have performed for the Super Bowl Halftime Show. I am not fooled.

For instance, I am a huge Tom Petty fan. Huge. With that said, I wasn’t entertained in the least bit last year when he took the stage.

Why, you ask?

It was watered down.

Ask yourself this: How many times has a Rock n’ Roll band gone on stage at halftime only to be engulfed by fake extras that circle the stage with streamers?  I hate streamers.

When was the last time you went to a rock concert and saw some cheesy-ass fool waving a streamer and clapping to the song?  Rock n’ Roll isn’t something to you clap along with. In fact, the only music you clap along with is gospel music and the Jonas Brothers.

This is football. Why must the halftime producers take the manliness out of the Super Bowl Halftime Show?  Why?

In 2007, Prince took the stage. I like Prince. He’s an alright guy. He likes women, and I respect that.

But even Prince—a 49-year-old man stuck inside a perverted 18-year-old boy’s body—didn’t bring the usual funk. Prince didn’t give the crowd one nut-grab or pelvic thrust. How do you ask Prince to do a PG-show performance?

In 2006, the legendary Rolling Stones graced the football world with their presence. I can’t tell you how much I love the Stones. Really—no sarcasm whatsoever. But to be honest, their show was horrendous.

It wasn’t so much Mick Jagger’s fault—Lord knows he was his typical self. The thing that got me hung up was the fact that Keith Richards was asked to perform sober. No bottle of Jack Daniels allowed by his feet while he played the hell out of his guitar?  Come on! Not only that, but when he sung backup, he didn’t even slur his words.

Keith Richards without slurred speech is like George W. Bush with no Southern drawl.  In fact, I’m pretty sure we could actually understand what he was singing.

That’s not good for the Rolling Stones—and what is not good for the Stones cannot be good for Rock n’ Roll.

In 2005, Paul McCartney performed. I’ll make this short...McCartney without Lennon sucks.

The year of 2004 was the year of the great “wardrobe malfunction.”  First off, Jessica Simpson performed alongside the TSU marching band. And let me give you a brief history lesson: 2004 was the year before Jessica Simpson got slutty and three years before Jessica Simpson got boring.

You see, there was a two-year gap where Jessica was naughty enough that she needed to go to church, but not too dirty that you couldn’t take her home to meet your mother. Sorry Jess, but you hit your ceiling in ’05 and ’06. So needless to say,  the '04 Jessica Simpson show was still too innocent and cute to be permitted at a football game.

But I think the NFL saw this coming. They knew Jessica would be cute and innocent, so they tried to manly things up by letting P. Diddy, Nelly, Kid Rock, Justin Timberlake, and Janet Jackson close the show.

The problem that I have with this part of the show is P. Diddy has been desperate since white kids in the suburbs stopped listening to “Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems.”  Sorry Diddy, but we don’t want to hear your next Cher remix.

Kid Rock is a confused country/rap/rock singer from the North but acts like a Southern redneck. His music follows his theme in life. Nelly was amazing when “Country Grammar” came out in 2000, but he lost me once he started trying to sing.

And then there was Justin and Janet. I like where they tried to take the show, but they came up short. If Janet is going to go so far as showing her gold, star-shaped nipple shield, go ahead and show full-fledged boobage.

I won’t give you guys a passing grade for your performance because you came up just a little short, but I will classify you two as the pioneers of where I’m hoping to see the Super Bowl Halftime Show go in the future.

In 2003, the NFL saw the Super Bowl at its worst. Somebody, somewhere (hopefully currently burning in hell) asked Shania Twain to perform “Man, I Feel Like a Woman!”  The mere thought of seeing the NFL hit such a hard rock bottom nearly makes me cry.

I could go on and on. I mean, let’s be honest, there’s a lot to complain about when other years featured folks like Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Enrique Iglesias, ‘N Sync, Toni Braxton, and many, many more.

Roger Goodell, if you’re reading this, please salvage the Super Bowl’s halftime show.  Give us in the corporate world of America something to talk about on the following Monday.

Did you like seeing a portion of Janet’s boobies, Roger? Yeah, me too. Let’s encourage that. No more Hannah Montanas and “S Club 7” groups. We are talking about in beer, blood, and boobs.

Mix those three components together however you want, Roger. Let’s just do something to change the current Super Bowl halftime show from being another 30-minute pee break.


Disagree with Andrew "BrownBagg" Brown's blatant and adamant support of beer, blood, and boobage making its way into the Super Bowl Halftime Show?  Let him hear about it.  All comments welcome.

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