Ten Things Sure To Happen In Baseball, Football and Basketball This Year

John ScottCorrespondent IJanuary 29, 2009

In Baseball


No. 10—The Yankees become the first team to spend $1 billion on free agents in a single offseason.


No. 9—Jason Giambi signs with Oakland. Oakland then signs Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire—the "Bash Brothers" are back!


No. 8—George Steinbrenner, tired of not making the playoffs, buys the Tampa Bay Rays. He then realizes he spent less money on buying the Rays than buying Mark Teixiera.


No. 7—John Smoltz joins every golf club in the state of Massachusetts.


No. 6—Greg Maddux, inspired by Brett Favre, rejects $20 million from the Braves to stay retired and joins the New York Gregs.


No. 5—Adam Dunn finally gets a hot date. He can take the heat, but she throws him a curveball and he strikes out as usual.


No. 4—Manny Ramirez is not signed by anyone. He then returns home to the urinals inside the Green Monster.


No. 3—Barry Zito is thrown in jail for stealing $126 million. The biggest heist in American history, besides Barry Madoff of course.


No. 2—The Marlins finalize a deal for a new stadium. The plan is to have 5,000 seats, so they can sellout some games.


No. 1—The Royals have a new season ticket package. Prices start at -$5.


In Football


No. 10—The real reason why Sam Bradford stayed in school. Have you seen the Detroit Lions?


No. 9—Barack Obama will expand NFL rosters to 75 in an attempt to create new jobs.


No. 8—If there has ever been a Super Bowl when the commercials have been more interesting than the game…


No. 7—Kellen Winslow will find a way to get into a third motorcycle accident. Everyone could use work on their motorcycling-in-parking-lot skills, right?


No. 6—The NFL, frustrated by the Cardinals fluke playoff run, makes a new rule: No team beaten by 40 points two weeks before the end of the season is allowed to make the playoffs.


No. 5—Jordan Shipley is granted another year of eligibility to play WR for Texas. On his 30th birthday, he scores the game winning touchdown in the BCS national title game, after the game he states, “I’m coming back for one more!”


No. 4—The Browns attempt to get Michael Vick. Of all the players in the NFL, who would you rather see in the dog pound?


No. 3—Jerry Jones makes himself the Cowboys' Head Coach. Hopefully, he’s as good a coach as he is an owner. Al Davis, seeking more attention, quickly does the same thing.


No. 2—Brett Favre calls the Packers and asks “Is that $20 million retirement plan still available?”


No. 1—Barack Obama, determined to fix the BCS system, requires an eight team playoff for college football. He also requires that the University of Hawaii receives an automatic bid.


In Basketball


No. 10—Kentucky head coach Billy Gillespie goes to a game at the Boys and Girls Club of Lexington. He offers a full ride to Johnny Smith, a 5’5’’ eight-year-old second-grader who dropped 35 on the Flamingos.


No. 9—Shaq gives himself a new nickname, Shaqovich, because of his improved free throw shooting. Shaqbrick then sets the record for most consecutive missed free throws.


No. 8—Tennessee head coach Bruce Pearl turns into an orange. He should have read the warning label:“Warning, spray on tan may turn you into an orange.”


No. 7—Lebron is called for a travel for the first time since high school. He is outraged claiming, “The rule states as long as I make it a cool dunk I can take as many steps as I want!”


No. 6—Bosses all over America continue to block web access to NCAA tournament games. Fifty million people are sick on Mar. 19 and 20.


No. 5—David Stern, seeing the success of outdoor hockey, schedules a game at Wrigley Field for New Years Day. Who doesn’t want to see a basketball game in twenty degree weather, snow, and wind?


No. 4—The Lakers find a way to trade Derek Fisher, the rights to his brother, a second-round pick from 2074, and a couple million dollars for Chris Paul. Seem fishy? (cough-Pau Gasol-cough)


No. 3—Memphis head coach John Calipari has his players watch the movie Air Bud, telling them, “See, even a dog can make free throws!” The Tigers lose in the Sweet 16 while shooting 50 percent from the line.


No. 2—Coach K passes Eddie Sutton as the all-time wins leader in college basketball. He then passes Rob Blagojevich on the list of all-time most ridiculous looking haircuts.


No. 1—The basketball court in the White House is completed. The Washington Wizards are scheduled to play the White House Cabinet—should be a close game, Hillary is an excellent rebounder.



Thank you for reading—hope you enjoyed. Tell me which you like most!


If you liked this, and particularly the baseball part of this, check out the first version of “Things Sure to Happen”