A sad day is approaching.
I'm not talking about Valentine's Day, when millions of single people across the United States will lament their misfortune of having no one to buy them chocolates and stuffed animals on this lover's holiday.
Nor am I referring to the end of the current school year, when millions of parents will watch their offspring walk across the graduation stage and wonder where the time went, and how their baby will make it on his or her own out in the cold, cruel, adult world.
I do not speak of the upcoming Spring Break, when millions of fathers cringe at the thought that THIS is the year their precious princess ends up featured in the latest Girls Gone Wild video series.
No, the dark day I refer to is Super Bowl Monday.
Super Bowl Monday, the first day of the week that precedes the Sunday AFTER Super Bowl Sunday, when millions of football fans wake up and have no clue what to do with their time.
In the spirit of helping my fellow man, I hereby offer this list of time-killing activities to engage the attention of America's fanatics while we await that glorious day of days, Week One of the preseason. This list is in no particular order, and you are free to pick and choose which one to pursue.
No. 10—Watch NASCAR
Yeah, I know, the format is simplistic: 43 rednecks driving in a circle for three hours, burning up fuel and damaging the ozone with every lap. Big whoopty-do, right?
But look deeper: It's 43 rednecks driving at BREAKNECK speeds only inches from each other, and the potential for mayhem is milliseconds away—particularly at places like Daytona, Talladega, and Atlanta. That's what 73 percent of NASCAR fans watch for in the first place, the chance to see some screeching metal.
They don't really care who wins, they just wanna see a big wreck.
It's on just about EVERY Sunday from February to November, with the occasional night race on Saturday to pay homage to the "good ol' days" of racing.
If you've never been to a race, consider attending one in your area. I promise you, the smell of raw fuel and exhaust fumes is enough to bring out the aggression in most red-blooded American men, and the female fans in the summer occasionally leave little to the imagination, if you catch my meaning.
Plus, it's a great excuse to barbecue the flesh of a small animal and drink beer. What's not to like about that?
No. 9—Attack the Honey-Do List
It's gotten longer, guys, and if you're at all like me, you have some hangers-on from last year's list. Approach them with wild abandon, throwing yourself into the task as if to say to your significant other, "I was simply building up my energy reserves so that I could more efficiently complete these projects and bring joy to your life by doing the things you have so patiently waited for me to do."
We all know you won't get them done, but the trick is to LOOK busy.
No. 8—Reaquaint with Family
You've seen them on Football Sunday; vague shadows milling about the room, trying not to walk in front of the TV or disturb you when the Steelers are at fourth-and-inches on the goal line, or talking in hushed tones when the Dolphins are driving for the game-winning touchdown.
The field trip your daughter is taking over Spring Break? You signed that permission slip during a timeout somewhere around Week Five, if memory serves correctly.
These mysterious people have names. The big one is probably your wife, and the little ones who sneaked papers in front of you to sign all season? Those are likely your children, unless your house is like mine, in which case some of them are neighborhood kids who took advantage of your distraction to squat in your children's room all season.
And that four-legged critter yipping about your ankles? That's the dog; you acquired him during the bye in Week Six.
He needs to go outside for a walk. You remember outside, don't you? Fresh air, sunshine, and grass?
Of course you do.
No. 7—Try a new "Sport"
With our weekends free, now is the perfect time to try our hand at a few things.
Bowling comes to mind; there are weekend leagues at every venue in America, and most of them are co-ed. And, bowling is another good reason to tip a few back.
Golf is another past-time that might merit attention; there's grass, fresh air, and a defenseless little white ball upon which to unleash your aggression of not having football to watch.
You can usually get on public courses without a tee-time after 3 PM at a discount, and some of the beverage cart girls are pretty cute.
Plus, there's always the chance that THIS YEAR will be the one where you inexplicably make that hole-in-one while finishing with an overall score of 143.
No. 6—Take up gardening
Hey, watch it now, there is nothing more manly than being secure enough in your manhood to nurture small plants into maturity. None other than football great Bubba Smith displayed his penchant for flowers in the Police Academy movies, so it can't be all bad; in fact, I would bet it's rather therapeutic.
Of course, Bubba was 6'7" and weighed 260 pounds, so he had that going for him, too.
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