Can a Bayou Boy Get a Bailout?

Andrew BrownContributor IJanuary 28, 2009

Every time I turn on the news I hear about more and more bailouts and stimulus packages. The last time I heard this much about a “package that stimulates,” my mother caught me watching Cinemax in seventh grade and I was grounded for two weeks.

Did you know that, within the last six months of today, there have been over 600,000 that have asked Uncle Sam for some sort of a bailout! Porn companies, banks, entertainment companies, auto makers, private schools, universities, toilet producers, alcohol producers...and the list goes on!

I was reading the names of these companies that were listed by the Wall Street Journal and something crossed my mind. Lord knows my boys in Black n’ Gold need some stimulating!

With that said, on behalf of WhoDat Nation, I have mailed two letters and one petition (in which I signed 659 random names which proclaimed to be members of the Saints fanbase) to Saints’ franchise owner Tom Benson suggesting that he try to pay a visit to Washington DC to see if the New Orleans Saints can catch a corner of the next stimulus plan.

Editor’s Note: Benson and I go way back. In fact, when I was a kid, I use to refer to him as “Uncle Benny.”

I told Uncle Benny not to worry about our offseason concerns, that his boy BrownBagg had a plan.

I told him that the first thing we had to do is get on Travelocity and get him a round trip ticket to Washington DC. On his way to Washington, all he has to do is set back, eat honey roasted peanuts and fill out an application for economic stimulus on behalf of the New Orleans Saints organization.

Once he got to Washington, he is to go straight to Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (Fox News says she’s the Mother Bitch of the whole Bailout Operation).

Once he finds Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi, he is going to give her his application. If need be, Uncle Benny can sweeten the pot by pinky-swearing Pelosi that he wouldn't buy any luxury jets with the money in which the Saints organization received.

In fact, to make it an even easier decision, perhaps instead of a monetary kick-down, we could just request a couple extra draft picks to stimulate our roster.

One question: Who put this lady, Nancy Pelosi, in charge of stimulating the country?

Then I told Uncle Benny not to worry if he was informed that NFL draft picks were outside the Queen of the Congress’ jurisdiction. If that is the case, I suggested that he request some additional cap space so we too, as an organization, might be able to do our part at combating the Nation's current unemployment rate.

If that fails, I told good ol' Uncle Tom ("Benny" that is) not to give up HOPE. Congresswoman Pelosi is known to be a real stickler of a bitch to folks from the South.

In my letter, I instructed Uncle Benny that if he gets to this stage and Pelosi isn't showing us the money, then to simply tell her that you already asked Barack if the Saints can get a piece of the Bailout Berry Pie and he told you emphatically, "Yes we Can!"

Word on the street is that phrase gets Pelosi all hot n' bothered every time. We'll have the Federal Government right by the bailout balls.

So lay to rest your worries and fears about our current cap-space or draft pick predicament, WhoDat Nation. Your boy BrownBagg is already in communication with a guy who is going to talk to a girl who knows our beloved President ”Bail’em Out” Obama and everything is going to be okay.



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