Chinese Food, Denis Potvin Highlight Crazy 2009 NHL Second Half (Humor)

This past week, you may have read so-called "hockey prognosticators'" predictions for the last half of the NHL season on various Web sites. Will Tim Thomas keep up his torrid pace and win the Vezina? Does Joe Thornton have a viable shot to win the Hart Memorial Trophy?

Snooze.

Here are three original storylines that I'm boldly predicting to occur during the final 35 or so NHL regular season games in 2009.

Maple Leafs Sign Sean Avery—Food Fights Ensue

Looking for personality to add to his team, new Toronto Maple Leafs GM Brian Burke will trade winger Jamal Mayers to the Dallas Stars for the oft-disciplined Sean Avery on February 5.

While Burke and the rest of the Maple Leafs organization knew they were getting a player with heavy baggage, they never expected the vileness he would bring to the team.

In his first game with Toronto after the trade—against the Canadiens—Avery will skate onto the ice holding a container, and immediately place it at the end of his team's bench.

During the first period, upset over how D-men Dion Phaneuf and Mike Komisarek, in his words, "love to fall in love with my sloppy seconds," Avery runs to the bench to pick up the container and blinds yes, Komisarek, with the contents—Shrimp Fried Rice.

While Avery rubs the cold shrimp and rice over Komisarek's face, Avery yaps, "So you like my leftovers, eh?"

As you might know, Phaneuf and Komisarek have both dated Avery's ex-girlfriend, actress Elisha Cuthbert.

Surprisingly, Avery only receives a 12 game suspension and for some reason is allowed to play in the Leafs' game against the Flames a month later. However, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman gives Avery a warning that another messy outburst would blackball him from the league for life.

Afraid over possible copycat acts in the NHL, the league comes up with yet another Avery-induced rule—a 10-minute "food misconduct" penalty, in which the violator is immediately ejected.

In the aforementioned game against the Flames, Avery wastes no time and throws a container filled with meatloaf—later determined to be a day old after a rigorous investgation—at Phaneuf during the pre-game skate.

However, Phaneuf did come prepared—fighting back with lasagna that he hid under his helmet. Phaneuf bowed to the Maple Leaf crowd after being sent off with a food misconduct.

Avery subsequently received a lifetime ban from the NHL after his most recent display of conduct. However, it wouldn't be long 'til Avery found another job—this time as the official spokesman for Rubbermaid products.

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