“Perjury”: In this series' pilot episode, Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds share a prison cell. Clemens tries to convince Bonds that he can break them out of Fox River State Penitentiary.
Clemens: Barry, what are you in for?
Bonds: What do you mean, what am I in for. Same reason you’re here.
Clemens: To pitch for the prison softball team?
Bonds: I’m in here for perjury, same as you. There is no prison softball team.
Clemens (adamant): I never used steroids.
Bonds: Yeah, neither did I. You ever hear from Pettitte?
Clemens: You mean FBI Special Agent Mahone? No.
The two men fall silent. Clemens paces the cell until he comes upon a spot on the floor that he toes feverishly, as though it’s a pitching rubber.
Bonds: What are you doing? This isn’t a baseball diamond.
Clemens: I’m thinking maybe you and I could be like that traveling softball show, the King and His Court. I’ll pitch and you play the outfield. All we need is a catcher and first baseman. Is Palmeiro in here?
Bonds: No, the House Government Reform Committee never sought perjury charges against him. That goes back a few years before we were thrown in here. Don’t you read the newspapers?
Clemens: Only write-ups of the games I’ve won. That’s a lot of reading.
Bonds: Yeah, whatever. The only traveling I want to do is to escape from here.
Clemens: I have a plan to break us out. I have the blueprint of the entire prison grounds tattooed on my body. (He proceeds to tear off his shirt to reveal an elaborate tattoo maze covering his torso, front and back.)
Bonds (looking puzzled, points to Clemens’ stomach): Is that a barbecue?
Clemens (looking down at his stomach, furious): No! No! I don’t believe it! This was supposed to be the prison grounds!
Bonds (looking disgusted): What is it?
Clemens: It’s the blueprint of Canseco’s Florida house. (He picks up a chair and fires it against the far wall of the cell, splintering it into pieces.)
Bonds rolls over in his bed and in a murmur counts his home runs jumping the wall in an effort to fall asleep. Clemens takes up pacing the cell again and finally stands before a small mirror, contorting his body in an effort to read the tattoo on his back.
4 comments Last one added about 1 year ago — Leave a Comment
Anonymous about 1 year ago
Pretty good, you could have Clemens' wife coming for a visit. She brings him a cake to celebrate his birthday, it's in the form of the head of Arnold Schwarzenegger, and all the candles on the cake are reallly syringes.
PB
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Brian Gaylord about 1 year ago
Syringe candles ... I like it!
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L.J. Burgess about 1 year ago
We like this one ... a lot.
Can we do Sammy and Mac next ?
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Brian Gaylord about 1 year ago
L.J., thanks for the comment. Feel free to write the Sammy and Mac episode ... I promise you'll receive the same payment as me.
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