(The below is an actual letter. Some of the names have been changed to protect the innocent. Actually, who am I kidding? Most of the "innocent," are heinous evildoers, who, in my opinion, who should fry in Hell. But, that's another story for different day. Enjoy. —Kathryn)
Dear Mister Postal Person Dude,
Hey. It's me. The one in apartment 722.
Alex, the guy in 725, informed me that you may have overheard our animated discussion regarding the upcoming Steelers/Cardinals game scheduled for next weekend.
Alex seemed to recall that you are an extremely passionate fan of the Steelers, and suggested I make an effort to clarify my position with you, for the sake of "peace."
I enjoy receiving most of my mail. I hope most of the mail I enjoy receiving continues to find it's way into my box, some of the time.
I am certain you would not allow a little sports-related discrepancy to interfere with your's and my peaceful, pleasant, and professional relationship.
(I'm right about that, aren't I? We do have a peaceful, pleasant, and professional relationship, right?)
Let me try and explain.
Spite can drive a person to heights or depths unimaginable.
That bitch who I spent a solid YEAR OF MY LIFETIME trying to endure as the so-called, "love-of-his-life," while only proceeding to rip my hair out in frustration due to the fact that he's an immature, lying, cheating, stealing, piece of crap...
he has a dad
Who thinks he is GOD to ALL MEN, EVERYWHERE. A REAL MAN. He drives a HEMI; gets better gas mileage than anyone living or dead; has the most advanced GPS tracking system known to modern man (within his HEMI-powered-gas-guzzler), causing NASA to actually covet HIS technology...his chest hair is made of steel...his guns are fully automatic, locked, and loaded at all times...and if that's not enough: Satan fears him.
(His name is John Junior, I think.)
Well anyhow...HE drove into Michael's young, empty, stupid head that a REAL MAN MUST
UNDER EVERY CIRCUMSTANCE
BE A STEELERS FAN OR ELSE HE WOULD GROW UP TO BE SHORT, ILLITERATE, AND BALD.
Michael opted to favor the Steelers due to his fear of becoming bald.
For we all know there's nothing WRONG with being short
(you seem rather tall, for instance)
(most communication is non-verbal, i've heard)
So, yes. Michael opted to favor the Steelers due to his aversion with losing hair.
(By the way, I like your hair-style. I had no idea the Federal Government would allow an employee of their's to have such long hair. They call that a Mullet, right? Very stylish and attractive, I must say.)
Now, where was I? Ah, yes: back to me.
2008, And I'm all giddy over my special little quarterback, Eli.
Michael PROMPTLY explained to me, last year, that BIG BEN AND COMPANY HAVE NO INTEREST IN GOING ALL THE WAY IN 08. THEY WILL DOMINATE, MASSACRE, AND ANNIHILATE EVERYONE IN 09.
I was made to endure many long, boring lectures about the AMAZING INVINCIBILITY AND FEARLESS DOMINATION OF BIG BEN AND EVERY STEELERS FAN, GLOBALLY, AS WELL AS INTER-GALACTICALLY
and how the Giants were "cute."
this year I found myself secretly awaiting the cherished collapse of your Steelers.
NOT BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE THEM...I JUST WANTED TO ENVISION THE SCREAMING CRIES OF UTTER DISBELIEF, DEFEAT, AND DISILLUSIONMENT coming from the hopeless and pathetic lungs of Michael and his fat, old fart father, Junior.
I am certain that our Lord and Savior, Jesus, can distinguish between my true heart attitude of wishing INSTANT DESTRUCTION upon the Steelers, and understanding the slight blessing, for a select few, perhaps, if He were to allow them to actually play well...
Therefore, I am not worried about frying in Hell over the matter.
However, you DO KNOW that Kurt Warner USED TO QUARTERBACK THE GIANTS prior to his stint as a grocery store checker, right? (or was it after...I forget) but THE GIANTS, MY GIANTS. You see, I'm a Giants fan. I'm not necessarily a Cardinals fan. No!
Warner used to be with the Giants, therefore, I'm not really too far out on a limb to support him with regard to being with the Cardinals due to the fact that he was a Giant first.
(First, being after he was with Regis High School, University of Northern Iowa, the Iowa Barnstormers, the Amsterdam Admirals, and that small stint with the Saint Louis Rams.)
And did you know he's a recovering alcoholic?
(Or maybe that was another Giants quarterback. Collins? Doesn't matter. I mean, CLEARLY you can understand how being on the Giants could drive a man to drink? I mean, did you see Eli last Sunday? I defy someone to explain to me how he would play the way he did, HAD HE NOT BEEN DRINKING. And it only makes sense. In the past three months, three of our Wide Receivers have been on the receiving end of loaded weapons. THREE. LOADED WEAPONS.)
(And a couple of them were actually shot.)
THEREFORE, by deductive reasoning based upon Max Planck's original theory of relativity, Galileo's theory of uniform motion, and Einstein's formula of E = mc2 , we can clearly see I have no other option than to support Warner in his effort to succeed in his quest for winning the Super Bowl as he leads the Cardinals to victory over the Steelers...
The powers of Yin, Yang, and all that is Holy in the world of sports cries out for me to align myself against every form of evil. MICHAEL is the physical embodiment of said evil, and any attrocious object of affection deep within his heart would not be consistent with that which is good.
my simple message for the Steelers and their loyal fans:
FRY YOU EVIL BASTARDS.
~Kathryn, Apartment 722, your grateful postal customer.