Steroids...From a Different Perspective!

John C. Sease, Jr.Correspondent IJanuary 22, 2009

The topic of steroids has been in the news for many years and is apparently never going to go away.

The latest steroid scandal/accusation has Mark McGwire's brother writing a book stating that McGwire had been taking steroids as early as 1994.  He also alleges that he injected McGwire with steroids during his playing days in the major leagues.

Since steroids are inevitably going to a part of the sports world forever, I decided to have a little fun by altering the effects of steroids as it relates to various sports.

For instance, suppose steroids just enhanced the things that were already prevalent in a particular sport?

Instead of contracting life threatening illnesses as a result of excessive steroid usage, players would experience exaggerated side effects of commonly used habits within that sport.

In my wacky world, here are the effects that would be a by-product of steroid usage:



The excessive usage of steroids would enable a player to spit chewing tobacco 50 feet.  This would come in handy for a batter who wants to retaliate for having a fastball thrown at his head.  Instead of charging the mound, the steroids would allow him to spit his tobacco waste directly at the pitcher from home plate. 

Also, any baseball player using steroids would encounter extreme itching in their groin area.  They already spend half the time in the batters box scratching their crotch without using steroids.  Steroid usage would make them itch and scratch much, much more!



Football players are notorious for two things.

First, when they are on the sideline yelling encouragement at their teammates during a game, they use the word "baby" so often that you begin to believe it is a cult word amongst the NFL fraternity.  Here is a sample:



"Way to catch that!"

Well, when on steroids...the only word that football players will be able to utter is "baby!"  Their vocabulary will cease to exist and their world will be filled with an unlimited amount of "BABY!"

Also, the more steroids taken by football players, the more they will be attracted to the male posterior.  Heck...they already spend most of the game patting each others' butts.  With steroids, they will not be able to pass by another man without slapping his posterior.


Monica Seles, Serena Williams, Venus Williams, and Lindsey Davenport are notorious for their loud grunts during a tennis match.  However, with steroids, their grunts would become the same decibel as a full-grown male bear in heat.

Spectators would need ear plugs in order to watch a match in its' entirety.



Excessive steroid usage by NBA players would cause them to be covered from head to toe with ridiculous tattoos.

This is not much of a stretch since most of them are already one-third of the way to that end result!



Excessive steroid usage in the NHL would cause a player to lose all of their teeth...not just the front teeth.

Also, they would uncontrollably utter the often used word "eh" in the manner of a Tourettes patient.  They would be walking down the street and out of nowhere they would scream "eh" repeatedly!



For some reason, boxers have a tradition of referring to themselves in the third person during an interview.  With steroid usage, the only way that the would be able to refer to themselves would have to be in the third person. 

For instance, if asked: How would you judge your performance?...His response would be: Tony fought as well as he could have fought!

Also, excessive steroid usage would make a boxer retire and come back every week.  That side effect should last for their entire career!


There you have list of side effects for excessive steroid usage in sports.

Did I leave anything out?