Goodbye college football...we'll see ya in a few months.
I like originality in writing, so I'm going to apologize from the start for what you're about to read. I stole this idea. Just letting you know upfront. Bill Simmons from ESPN.com did his own list of "if I were in charge of making all of sports better, this is what I'd do" and called himself the Sports Czar (Tsar if you like).
Well, I liked the idea, so I came up with my own list as "Sports' Attorney General." I don't believe in Communist titles.
I'm ripping him off and announcing my platform before he elaborates on his, my apologies, but I'm not going verbatim off what he had. I have a list of my own changes I'd like to make; some of them obvious, some of them merely nuances that irritate me.
I'm interested to see what other people would change as well, so feel free to elaborate in the comments section below. And yes, I'm avoiding the basic "change the BCS," "start playoff games earlier," "salary cap for baseball," and "Erin Andrews does her sideline reporting in a bikini and/or topless" comments because I think we all can agree on those.
My 25 Sports' Attorney General Changes
1) Tim McCarver—Gone
Much in the same way I never have understood who listens to Nickelback, I don't get why Tim McCarver gets the penultimate baseball gig every postseason.
No one claims to like Nickelback, and no one claims to enjoy listening to McCarver. Yet, each October we get McCarver telling us that a lead off home run usually leads to more runs than a lead off walk.
2) Universal Fantasy Football Rules
We've all had the same conversation with a friend or co-worker in which, in the midst of trying to explain your last fantasy football point explosion, you realize it means nothing to the person you're telling it to.
Your three quarterback, one running back, 17 points-per-reception league is completely different than his one quarterback, three tight end, two kicker league in which you get negative points for a team losing the coin toss.
Fantasy sports is just a sports version of WoW anyway, but at least they know what achieving the rank of paladin means.
Stop with the stupidity.
Fantasy baseball shouldn't include a WHIP, OBP, OBS, CS, WP, Balk, or anything else requiring more than pre-algebra to solve.
Fantasy football needs a universal setting of one quarterback, one running back, two wide receivers, one flex running back/wide receiver, one tight end, one defense/special teams spot, and one kicker.
That's it.
Until we all agree on fantasy sports rules, you'll continue getting glassy-eyed looks from co-workers everywhere.
3) The NHL Cuts Six Teams, MLB and NBA Cut Two Teams, and the NFL Moves a Team to the Second-Largest City in the Country
The NHL is easy: Bye-bye Columbus, Florida, Nashville, Atlanta, Carolina, and LA.
MLB is a little rougher, but I'm going to go with Florida and Toronto (goodbye "O, Canada").
The NBA contracts Charlotte and is banned from that experiment for 1,000 years, along with Memphis.
The NFL relocates Jacksonville to Los Angeles, and no one outside Northern Florida notices.
Furthermore, the city of Atlanta is put on notice that since it has the ninth-largest metropolitan population in the United States, it needs to support its teams as such.
They have four years to move their teams into the top half of average attendance in each league, or their teams will be the first to be relocated.
This is based on the fact that the Falcons (29th of 32), Braves (19th of 30), Hawks (20th of 30), and Thrashers (30th of 30) all rank in the bottom half of attendance respectively.
You've been warned (that's me channeling my inner Colbert).
4) Gambling Is no Longer a Dirty Word in Sports
Gambling is illegal in every state outside of America's Playground of Las Vegas, and yet open up your daily newspaper from Portland to St. Pete, and you'll get the daily lines in the sports section.
When was the last time you heard of someone being prosecuted for using online gambling websites like Bodog or Covers, even if they aren't from Nevada?
I'm not promoting the nationwide legalization of sports betting, I'm just saying, you don't see local marijuana prices everyday in the business section.
5) The Heisman Trophy Rewords its Definition of "Most Outstanding"
The Heisman Trophy website says the award goes to the "most outstanding college football player" each season. Since 1996 "most outstanding" has been synonymous with "best QB on a winning team" nine of 13 times.
The only other four that won it were RBs Ricky Williams (who set the all-time college football rushing record), Ron Dayne (who broke Ricky's record the following season), and Reggie Bush (a freakish return man and running back), to go along with all-purpose player Charles Woodson (who is still the only primarily defensive player to ever win the award).
So unless the Heisman voters start truly voting for the most outstanding player, they should add a clause that states, "unless you do something that has never, ever been done before at your position, we will award this trophy to some QB who led his team to a high ranking while having a historically above-average season."
6) NBA All-Star Weekend Adopts H-O-R-S-E as a Four-Man Game Involving a Rookie, a Superstar, a Former Legend, and a Celebrity.
Imagine Derrick Rose, Dwight Howard, Charles Barkley, and Jay-Z.
Or O.J. Mayo, LeBron, Bird, and Will Smith.
How about last season, with Kevin Durant, KG, Dr. J, and Billy Crystal?
Or see who would stop talking first between Joakim Noah, Allen Iverson, Reggie Miller, and Spike Lee.
Next year it could be Luke Harangody, Andrew Bogut, Greg Ostertag, and Conan O'Brien for large, white man supremacy.
I could go on for forever.
7) One PGA Tour Event on a Municipal Course
I want to see what Vijay Singh does on my local 495-yard par five with cars driving by, honking their horns. I want to see what Phil Mickelson does when he has to abide by the Municipal Tournament sponsored by Natural Light requirement of a six pack/nine holes rule.
I want to see Tiger Woods fly the green on a 345-yard par four. They either need to break 50 in a round or be plastered by the 15th with their shirts over their heads arguing with fans.
John Daly is host.
8) Congressmen Aren't Allowed to Involve Themselves in Matters of Sports, Unless...
If and when there is a comprehensive immigration bill finalized, there is no ongoing war, the economy is growing a five percent or more rate, unemployment is below three percent, a renewable energy resource has been found, and infrastructure has been built to support it. When people aren't filing for foreclosure like it's a Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes, and that whole gambling thing I was talking about is fixed.
Then and only then can a U.S. Congressman state he's looking into the legalities of the BCS system, steroids in baseball, or any other sports topic. Until then, you're a self-serving ass that should have better things to do.
9) Institute a Three Strike Policy in All of Sports for Drug/Steroid/Conduct Violations: First Offense—a Month Suspension; Second Offense—a Year; Third Offense—Banned for Life
Let's say you're a banker, and you consistently show up late for work, argue with co-workers and whatnot, but you're a great banker. Then you get arrested over the weekend for assault and drug possession, and it's in the news.
Do you think you would or wouldn't have a job on Monday morning?
Let's say you sweet talk your boss into it, and he is willing to give you a second chance, and then three months later you're arrested for a DUI and leaving the scene of a crime. What do you think would happen? Would you work for that bank ever again?
10) Stephen A. Smith is...Ahem...Taken Care of...Ahem
Voice box removed, driven to the middle of the desert and left for dead, fired—I don't care. I just know my life would be more complete if I knew I never had to hear his voice ever again.
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