Hello, fellow denizens of Internet Land.
When last we met, we discussed the trials and travails inherent in undertaking the task of pursuing that most ultimate of ultimate goals, the Lombardi Trophy. As we noted, the journey is long, the perils many, and the reward most satisfying.
On our previous visit, we recounted the adventures of King Warner and Sidekick Larry as they vanquished the Black Knight Sir McNabb and his legion of followers in their quest for the grail, which resulted in the vilifyment (yes, I just made that word up...thank you, I impressed myself as well) of Sir McNabb, followed by his execution.
In today's chapter, we shall review the happenings when Lord Flacco and Monsignor Lewis approach the Castle Steel, currently occupied by Duke Roethlisberger and his followers. I hope you enjoy the story:
**author's note: if you get halfway through this and can't figure out what the heck is going on, I invite you to return post haste to the beginning, and clicketh upon the link at the start of the narrative. That should clear things up a bit. If not, then there is no help for you. Now, onward...**
(Lord Flacco approaches Castle Steel from the far East across the Field of Hienz, with Monsignor Lewis in his stead. It is an imposing feature against the stark, cold landscape, with numerous championship flags flying from the ramparts, and a seemingly impenetrable steel curtain across its entrance.)
Flacco: Halt! Hallo? Hallo!!
Roethlisberger, popping his head over the top of the imposing wall: "Whaddya want?
Flacco: It is I, Lord Flacco, and these (turning and pointing to the men following him) are the Ravens of Baltimore-shire-burgh-ton,ville,...er...who's castle is this, sir?
Roethlisberger: Dis is Master Tomlin's castle; we call it "Mike's Place!"
Flacco: Go and tell your master that we are on a quest from the Commissioner and someone called Dess Tiny with a sacred quest. We are in search of that holy of holies, the Lombardi Grail. If your master would be so kind as to feed us, give us shelter, and stand aside, he may be allowed to live, and in fact may accompany us on our quest.
Roethlisberger: Well, I'll go ask him, but I don't think he's gonna like it...we's already got five of 'ems, ya know...
Lewis: He says, my league that they already have five of them.
Flacco: Five, really? I thought there was just one?
Lewis: Apparently they made copies.
Flacco: Ah. (turning to the castle once again)Are you sure he already has five of them? I though there was only one!
Roethlisberger: Oh yes, it's very nice. Silver, very shiny, shaped like a pig bladder. We made copies! (turns to the others standing next to him: Sir Ward of Hines, Earl Harris, son of Harrison, and Duke Woodley) I told them we already had five of them! what a maroon!
(there is much laughing under the breath by the others)
Flacco: Well.., um, can I come up and have a look?
Roethlisberger: What, you wanna come up he'e? I don't frigging think so, buddy. You's is Baltimorian!
Flacco: Well, what are you then?
Roethlisberger: I am, of course, Pittsburghian: why do you think I have this silly accent, you dolt? fuggetaboudit!!
Flacco: What are you doing in Baltimore?!
Roethlisberger: I'm not in friggin' Baltimore, ya mooley! You're in frigging Pittsburgh! Geez, would ya listen to this guy?
Flacco: If you will not show us the grail, then we will be forced to take your castle by force!
Roethlisberger: Yeah right! Haven't we done this before? Who you think you're messing wid?!?! Bring it on, ya bunch 'a bird boys!
Lewis: What a strange little man, my league.
Flacco: Now look here, my good man!
Roethlisberger: Hey! I ain't nobody's "good man", ya here me? Unless, of course, it's a nice looking lady, ya know, with-ow, hey, what'd you go and do that for? (turning and looking at Sir Ward, who had just jabbed him in the ribcage).
Ward: 'Scuse me! I caught my foot on that rock there, and twisted my knee. Musta hit you on the way down...I'm a'ight, though, you do your thing...
Flacco: Look, is there someone else up there I can talk to?
Roethlisberger: Talk is cheap, pal! you wants to see the grail, you's gonna have to FIGHT your way to it!
Flacco: Alright then, CHARGE!
(Flacco's men form up behind him as they assault the wall. But the steel is strong, and try as they might, they cannot even dent it. It stands strong against their onslaught.)
Roethlisberger, looking down on the action: You's guys having fun down there? You wants I should send out the doctors to fix you's guys up a bit? Ya looks like you's hurting a bit!
Flacco, from behind the hillock he and his Ravens had regrouped to) We are fine, sir! Simply reworking our strategy! Are you prepared to surrender to our demands, or shall we attack again?
Roethlisberger: Surrender? Attack again? Why don't you strategize this!
(for some inexplicable reason, Duke Roethlisberger grabs a cow, throws it on the catapult he had stashed near by, and lets it fly towards the gathered men. Unfortunately, the Earl of Clark got his feet tangled in the rope, and he follows the cow over the wall.)
Flacco: run away, run away!!
(one of Lord Flacco's men, Sir McGahee, slips, and as he stands to run again, Earl Clark flies into him, and with a loud CLANK, their helmets collide, knocking both of them senseless. In a gesture of "mutual respect", a yellow flag of truce is flown to allow each side to retrieve it's fallen men, neither of which remember anything past his 10th birthday.)
Lewis: I have a plan, sire.
Flacco: well, what is it?
(whisper, whisper, whisper).
(After much mayhem, sounds of cutting wood and power tools, a large wooden statue in the shape of a Lombardi Trophy is seen rolling up to Castle Steel. It stops right in front of the Steel Curtain at the gate, and Flacco and his men run back behind the hill.)
The Curtain rises, and Roethlisberger and his men run out to grab the statue, amidst shouts of "Woo Hoo!! We got SIX of 'em! A little silver plating, and this one can go right next to the other five!"
Flacco: Now what, Monsignor?
Lewis: Well, what we do, sire, is wait for the Pittsburghians to fall asleep, then we sneak out of the grail, take them unawares, beat them up, and take the REAL grail!
Flacco: Excuse me, WHO jumps out?
Lewis: We do, sire: you, the Duke of Heap, Sir Mason, and I, we jump out of the...um, er, and, uh...well...
(In the background, there is the sound of a large wench being wound. Not the type that wears too-large petticoats and serves mead at the castle dining room, the other kind. What follows is a sound that can only be described as "pawaaaaannnnnng", and over the top of the castle wall flies the Lombardi Grail...at least the big wooden Lombardi Grail; the other ones are locked in a large glass cabinet in the master's chambers.)
Flacco: Run away! Run Away!
(And over the hill they go, getting just out of range of the wooden grail before it crashes into their encampment, but losing all their equipment in the process, which causes them to go back to Baltimore and re-equip for another run at the beginning of the next battling season.)
And this is how the Steelers of Pitt vanquished the Ravens of Baltimore in their battle for ownership of the Lombardi Grail.