2012 March Madness: Ranking the Teams by People Who Don't Watch Basketball

Gene SiudutContributor IIIMarch 30, 2012

2012 March Madness: Ranking the Teams by People Who Don't Watch Basketball

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    Last year, I talked my girlfriend into entering an NCAA tournament pool. Her theories were strange in picking teams, but as fate would have it, she came in second out of 50 people and was probably the only one in the pool who knew nothing about college basketball.

    And I mean nothing.

    Her success piqued her curiosity, however, and she would watch games with me this season to brush up on her pool knowledge. She once again is in the top five and still doesn’t really know anything about basketball.

    I bring all this up because her method of picking teams has to do with the team name, and not a whole lot else. This gave me an idea. I wanted to rank each team by its name by people who knew nothing about basketball, so I gathered a few people and put a ranking together. It wasn’t hard to find people who don’t watch basketball as I live in Tampa and they barely know what a basketball is down here.

    After this scientific poll, I showed it to my girlfriend, Keri, and got her input on each of the teams ranked.

    I knew a lot of things about my girlfriend, but I never knew her genius, as you’ll read in the upcoming slides.

    I present, the rankings of every college basketball team in the NCAA tournament by people who don’t know anything about basketball and critiqued by my girlfriend.

    Enjoy.

68. Memphis Tigers

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “Memphis should have been named something cooler, like the Memphis Bar-B-Q’ers. I bet they’d have great tailgating.”

67. Virginia Cavaliers

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “Don’t they fence? Cavalier can be good or bad, but if you drive a Cavalier, you’re probably from New Jersey.”

66. Creighton Bluejays

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “Why do they spell Bluejay funny?”

65. San Diego State Aztecs

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “There were Aztecs in California?”

64. Detroit Titans

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “Shouldn’t they be the Steelers? Isn’t that what they make cars out of?”

63. Xavier Musketeers

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “Do they only let three men on the team at a time?”

62. Temple Owls

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “They sound smart. But I know people who went to Temple that aren’t smart at all. Maybe it’s just the athletes who are smart, or the mascot.”

61. South Florida Bulls

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “They sound like liars.”

60. Iona Gaels

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “Gael? Isn’t that a bird?”

59. Saint Mary's Gails

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “No, wait! Isn’t that a gust of wind?  It sounds like an all-girls school.”

58. Lamar Cardinals

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “Lamar is a school. The only Lamar I know is from Revenge of the Nerds.”

57. Louisville Cardinals

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “They must be good in winter because that’s when cardinals are out.”

56. Syracuse Orange

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “It’s odd that they chose a color. Especially a color that doesn’t rhyme with anything.”

55. Harvard Crimson

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “Another color team? Harvard should be brown because I imagine a lot of old wood there.”

54. Southern Mississippi Golden Eagles

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “Sounds fancy.”

53. Duke Blue Devils

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “I knew they’d be something stupid.”

52. Notre Dame Fighting Irish

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “I’m Irish, but I don’t like the name. How about the Friendly Irish?”

51. UNC-Asheville Bulldogs

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “I got nuthin’.”

50. Murray State Racers

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “Racers or Erasers? Racers? Really? What, like cars? Erasers would be better.”

49. Colorado State Rams

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “Sounds like a dangerous place for a ram with all those mountains. Don’t they graze?”

48. Connecticut Huskies

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “It’s just a dog that barks a lot.”

47. Marquette Golden Eagles

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “You already said that. There can’t be more than one golden eagle in the entire world. They’re like the Highlander.”

46. Mississippi Valley State Delta Devils

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “Where did The Devil and Daniel Webster take place? Wasn’t that somewhere in the south?”

45. Baylor Bears

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “Nice alliteration.”

44. South Dakota State Jackrabbits

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “I think jackrabbits have really long ears…like Bugs Bunny.”

43. West Virginia Mountaineers

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “What does a mountaineer do? Doesn’t seem that exciting.”

42. Wichita State Shockers

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “They should be in Florida, not Kansas. I don’t think you can get shocked in Kansas.”

41. Virginia Commonwealth Rams

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “I do remember who Shaka Smart is.”

40. Kansas State Wildcats

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “Do they have wildcats in Kansas? I’d imagine they’d all be domestic, like barn cats.”

39. New Mexico State Lobos

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “What’s a lobos?”

38. California Golden Bears

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “How is a bear golden? I guess because everyone else in California is blonde, the bears have to be blonde, too.”

37. North Carolina Tar Heels

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “That sounds stupid.”

36. Vermont Catamounts

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “I don’t know what that is.”

35. Georgetown Hoyas

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “Hoyas!! That sounds like a tree.”

34. Florida Gators

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “When I think of gators, I think of Louisiana.”

33. New Mexico State Aggies

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “Sounds like a nun. Sister Aggie.”

32. Ohio State Buckeyes

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “That’s a candy with peanut butter dipped in chocolate, but not all the way.”

31. Loyola Greyhounds

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “They’re fast. That’s a good name.”

30. UNLV Rebels

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “That makes sense. Vegas is evil.”

29. North Carolina State Wolfpack

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “Ooooh, a pack of wolves, not a lone wolf. Sounds like they get things done.”

28. Ohio Bobcats

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “At least it’s not a wildcat. But, it is less intimidating. It’s got a first name, like it’s short for Robert Cat.”

27. Missouri Tigers

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “There are definitely no tigers in Missouri.”

26. Alabama Crimson Tide

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “Is that a red river?”

25. St. Bonaventure Bonnies

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “Is that short for bonnet? It sounds like they’re tippin’ their hats to the ladies.”

24. Florida State Seminoles

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “Sounds respectful.”

23. Belmont Bruins

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “A Bruin? What’s that? Like, something’s a-brewin’ in Denmark?”

22. Saint Louis Billikens

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “That seems like it would be a cross between a pelican and…what else has a bill?”

21. LIU Brooklyn Blackbirds

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “Isn’t a blackbird a raven? What’s a magpie?”

20. Norfolk State Spartans

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “This is Sparta!”

19. Lehigh Mountain Hawks

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “Better than chicken hawks.”

18. Texas Longhorns

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “Makes me think of a steak house.”

17. Kentucky Wildcats

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “Boring.”

16. Davidson Wildcats

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “More wildcats? Booo.”

15. Michigan Wolverines

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “There should be more teams named after X-Men.”

14. Michigan State Spartans

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “But do they train like Spartans?”

13. Kansas Jayhawks

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “Another bird?”

12. Vanderbilt Commodores

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “Didn’t you have a Commodore 64? That school must have old computers.”

11. Indiana Hoosiers

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “I have no idea what a Hoosiers is. No one does. People just know it’s a good Gene Hackman movie.”

10. Gonzaga Bulldogs

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “Gonzaga sounds like the name of a bulldog.”

9. Western Kentucky Hilltoppers

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “Doesn’t sound like something that moves very much. Bad mascot.”

8. Iowa State Cyclones

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “I don’t know. How many more are there?”

7. Colorado Buffaloes

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “Is that the same as a bison. They probably make a good cheeseburger. They’re also leaner than cows.”

6. Cincinnati Bearcats

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “How do they get that hybrid made?”

5. Wisconsin Badgers

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “What’s the difference between a badger and a beaver? Sounds like the beginning of a dirty joke?”

4. Montana Grizzlies

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “Of all the teams, that name makes the most sense.”

3. Long Beach State 49ers

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “Sounds like they pigeon-holed themselves. If I was going to pick a number, I’d pick the ones or maybe the sevens, because it’s lucky.”

2. Purdue Boilermakers

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “That could be a chicken that’s boiled, not fried.”

1. Brigham Young Cougars

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    Keri’s thoughts:

    “Now that makes sense since cougars like them young.”