This just in from FOX NEWS in Atlanta:
NCAA spokesman Napoleon Dynamite said earlier today and I quote, "There will be an all-white student body university called Caucasian Institute of Higher Learning or C.I.H.L. opening its doors in 2010." He went on to say, "I don't see what the big deal is, they have all-black colleges like Grambling and Southern, gosh!"
A reporter asked why the NCAA was considering such a controversial move and if he would be willing to share his tots. Mr. Dynamite responded by saying, "The decision was made after years of pressure and threats of lawsuits by the NAAWP and no you can't have any of my tots, I'm starving...I haven't eaten anything today."
The NAAWP is the white equivalent of the NAACP.
This little known organization works to further the education, improve the lifestyles and enhance moral values in middle to upper class white college students in America, mostly in the deep south.
Another reporter asked if the school would be fielding any sports teams, spokesman Napoleon Dynamite answered, "Are you kidding? These kids have the worst reflexes of all time." He picked his nose and went on to say, "We are discussing the possibility of sponsoring some sort of annual Redneck Olympics, featuring some non-athletic activities such as bass fishing and stock car racing." He flicked the booger he had been rolling between his fingers and concluded the statement by raising his hands and saying, "Vote for Pedro!"
In wake of the shocking news many Americans of all races have responded with varying opinions on the situation:
Attorney Johnny Cochran said, "This is an outrage."
Movie director Spike Lee said, "Damn the man! It's another kick in the nuts to African- Americans everywhere!"
Half African-American/half Caucasion singer/songwriter Alicia Keys said, "I'm on the fence on this one."
President Elect Barrack Obama said, "This is NOT the kind of change I was talking about!"
Actor Tom Cruise said, "I am not bat-shit crazy, I'm a scientologist!"
Former talk show host Rosie O'Donnell said, "You have donuts? You better not be holding out on me!"
ESPN analyst Kirk Herbstreit said, "It's about damn time!"
Actor Jeff Daniels (Dumb and Dumber) said, "Just when I thought you couldn't get any dumber you go and do something like this........and TOTALLY redeem yourself."
Finally, renowned cage fighter Kip "The Killer" Dynamite said, "Come over here and try to hit me Napoleon."
THIS IS A FALSE REPORT (OBVIOUSLY).
BUT CAN YOU IMAGINE THE RESPONSE A PROPOSAL LIKE THIS WOULD TRIGGER!
THINK ABOUT IT!
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