World Football Strange but True: Tony Pulis Escapes Driving Ban, Rescues Stoke

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World Football Strange but True: Tony Pulis Escapes Driving Ban, Rescues Stoke
Alex Livesey/Getty Images

Whatever would the good citizens of Stoke-on-Trent do without Tony Pulis?

Tony Pulis shudders at the thought.

See, Pulis was pulled over by a pesky copper last November for doing 96 mph in a 60 mph zone on the M42. The Stoke City manager drew a fine of £2,500 and six points were added to his license.

Only problem was, that put Pulis at 15 points, enough for a magistrate to take his license away. But Pulis asked for—and received—leniency from the courts.

The reason? He's Tony Pulis, and he has to drive fast because if he didn't, Stoke would be relegated. And if Stoke were relegated, the people of Stoke-on-Trent would be very, very sad.


And thus, the good citizens of Stoke-on-Trent need Tony Pulis to break the speed limit. It's elementary, my dear Watson.

In particular, Pulis claimed the presence of a chauffeur in his car would jeopardise his transfer negotiations, as their interest would be in danger of being leaked to the benefit of rival clubs.

Scott Heavey/Getty Images
If Tony Pulis hadn't been speeding, Stoke wouldn't have been able to buy Peter Crouch. Yes, that sounds right.

"We signed Peter Crouch in the summer without anyone knowing,” Pulis told Leamington Spa Magistrates’ Court. "That took almost four days of non-stop conversations between us and Tottenham and Peter and the like."

Yes, Tony, Peter Crouch's seven goals in 23 league matches have really accounted for the 14-point difference between your team and the drop zone.

Never mind that, though. Do you really think your chauffeur is going to sell you out to the highest bidder? We're sure Roman Abramovich has a direct line inside your personal limo and all, but don't you think you've watched a few too many James Bond movies?

What's that? It's not just the club that would suffer?

"A number of them are totally reliant on Stoke City, and those businesses would suffer if they were relegated. The people of Stoke-on-Trent could suffer if Mr Pulis lost his licence and lost his job."

I see. Well, then. That explains why you were driving 96 mph in a 60 mph zone.

Next time, though, just summon Big Pete's wife as your character witness. That way, we all win.

Stoke City

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