Fausto Carmona and 25 Major League Baseball Names That Have to Be Fake

Timothy HowellCorrespondent IIMarch 21, 2012

Fausto Carmona and 25 Major League Baseball Names That Have to Be Fake

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    Fausto Carmona was living a lie. For his entire career he was using a false name.

    His real name was Jackwagon Slim.  Just kidding.  No, Carmona's birth name is "Roberto Hernandez".

    Lame.

    That's pretty much the equivalent of going from "Megatron McMichaels" to Chris Smith.  

    Weak.

    Oh well, what can you do?  It's not like Fausto...er...Roberto was the first player to use a false name.  

    Remember Leo Nunez?  Turns out he was neither a Leo nor a Nunez.  Real name:  Juan Carlos Oviedo. Hey, that's much cooler than Roberto Hernandez at least.   

    A few weeks ago, the Miami Marlins' slugger Mike Stanton issued a statement that he was going to drop the "Mike" in favor of his middle name.  Now, he's "Giancarlo" Stanton.

    How cool is that?  Not only is Giancarlo a super-awesome name, but it also moves the former left-handed reliever—Mike Stanton—back onto the leader board for best big leaguer named Mike Stanton. 

    Everybody wins.  

    Here's a list of some of the best/worst names of big leaguers of all-time.  Some are downright disturbing while others are just flat-out goofy.  Either way, they're all quite entertaining...and, believe it or not, not one of them is fake.  

    Enjoy.

No. 25: Herb Hunter

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    Some people are deer hunters.  Others are bargain hunters.  You get the idea.

No. 24: Dick Pole

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    This is one Pole that you definitely don't run a flag up.  Well, to be honest, my google image search for Dick Pole wasn't nearly as horrifying as I thought it would be.  

No. 23: Razor Shines

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    Oh yeah, I had this dude's rookie card when I was a kid.  Definitely one of the better names of all time.

No. 22: Drew Naylor

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    If you say it first name then last, it could be a fragmented answer to a silly question.  Say it last name followed by first, and it might be seen as an unsavory exclamation.  

No. 21: Dick Cox

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    The double whammy.  Say it forwards, say it backwards. Either way you're in trouble.  

No. 20: Brian Asselstine

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    The only way this name could be any better is if the "t" in his last name was replaced by an "h."

No. 19: Orval Overall

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    I really hope this dude's post-MLB career was as a pilot.

    "Roger, that.  This is Orval Overall. Over and out."

    Well, from what I've read about the man, overall, Orval Overall was a complete gentleman.

No. 18: Red Cox

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    If this man had ever gone missing as a child, it could have raised a few eyebrows.

    "Excuse me, sir, my son is missing."

    "What's his name, ma'am?"

    "Red Cox."

    "Sorry lady, I haven't seen any Red Cox anywhere.  I mean goodness gracious, if the bath water is that hot you shouldn't get in."

    Seriously, his full name was Plateau Preston Rex Cox.  Yeah, Red Cox might have been the way to play it when you're dealt a hand  like that.

No. 17: Boob Fowler

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    Sure, we've all been there before.  A woman's bra always looks easier to take off than it really is—how about using some velcro bras, huh?

    Don't be a Boob Fowler.

No. 16: Milton Bradley

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    Milton Bradley was famous for his temper tantrums.  Turns out he was just bored, and needed some excitement.  Now, thanks to his bored games, Milton is no longer in the league.

No. 15: Tony Armas

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    It's all about the last name.  You've got to break it down—like "Herbie Hancock"—Toe...Knee...Arm...Ass.  There you are, wasn't that fun?

No. 14: Pete LaCock

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    Yep.  His name translates from French to English to mean, literally, "Pete the Dick."  The only way his name could be any better (or worse) is if you removed the last "e" in "Pete."

No. 13: Ambiorix Burgos

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    There is no way this is a real, honest-to-goodness name.  It sounds like a secondary infection you can acquire from a previous secondary infection that was left untreated.  

    "Sadly, he died of a secondary-secondary infection—the dreaded 'deuce-deuce'—and, no, they don't cancel each other out. Cause of death: acute Ambiorox Burgos."

No. 12: Dick Hunt

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    Dick Hunt's nickname, ironically enough, was "Ladies Night Out."

    Ladies: please don't pack your shotguns for this hunt, okay? It is much appreciated.

    Sadly, there hasn't been a Dick Hunt in Major League Baseball since 1872.

No. 11: Billy Jo Robidoux

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    All of the lyrical qualities of a solid southern name are present and accounted for.  Everyone should know a man named Billy Jo at some point in their life.

No. 10: Josh Outman

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    What a wonderful name for a pitcher.  

    It wold have been perfect if he was in the big league bullpen with a twin brother.

    Manager: "Get me Outman."

    Bullpen Coach: "Uh, you want Billy Jo, or Josh?"

    Manager: "I don't give a crap! Just get me an Outman NOW!"

No. 9: Antonio Bastardo

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    Now, I did take four semesters of spanish in collegio, but even if you aren't bilingue, you can translate this name into English with ease...if only his middle name was a definite article.

No. 8: Les Cox

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    Les Cox was actually the driving force for why I chose Texas State University in San Marcos for graduate school.  

    True story.  Believe  me, every single guy appreciates and loves Les Cox.  Especially at parties.

No. 7: Rusty Kuntz

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    Hey spring training is all about getting the rust off, right?

No. 6: Don Aase

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    Sure, some people called him Aase.  Others preferred to call him Don.  Regardless, my friends, in 1986, everyone called an All-Star.

    No one ever...I mean ever...questioned Don's work ethic.  That man came to work early and stayed late, and he always worked his tail off.  That's what Aase's do. 

No. 5: Chick Lathers

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    The name brings to mind many things.  Baseball is not one of them. Mainly, it summons images of bikinis, and the super-hot Texas sun in the summertime.  

    Did I ever tell you that Texas State had a river that runs right through campus?  

No. 4: Randy Bush

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    Sure, Bush was bad enough, but throw a Randy in there and the party really takes off.

No. 3: Randy Johnson

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    The best place to find Randy Bush was in Minnesota.  However, if Randy Johnson is who you're looking for, you could find him in Seattle, Arizona, New York and even San Francisco. Heck, you could even find 'em in Canada for a little while, way back when young Randy Johnson didn't know any better.  

    Randy Johnson got around. 

    Just imagine if Randy Bush and Randy Johnson were ever to cross paths.  I believe this creates the formula that results in Fraternity/Sorority mixers.

No. 2: Cannonball Titcomb

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    Best. Name. Ever.  Well, save for the last one...but I've got to warn you, it's  more "cautionary tale" than flat-out "Cannonball Titcomb" style hoot...

No. 1: Johnny Dickshot

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    Sure, I was a kid once.

    And like every other young man I wanted a pellet gun.  Naturally, every parents worst fear is that their child will shoot their eye out accidentally.  

    Perhaps the whole "You'll shoot your eye out!" scenario from A Christmas Story isn't the worst thing that could happen...just ask 'ole Johnny Dickshot.