South Carolina Football: Building the Perfect Gamecock

Alex Roberts@@alexCoAbassCorrespondent IMarch 16, 2012

South Carolina Football: Building the Perfect Gamecock

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    Imagine, if you will, a world where scientists can splice together the genes of people all over the world.  There would be Frankenstein-style folks all over the world.  If I had that power, I know exactly what I would do.

    I would build the world's best Gamecock football player using parts from this year's roster. 

    It seems like the rational thing to do. 

The Intelligence of Connor Shaw

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    Connor Shaw spends countless hours in the video room studying film.  His father was a coach and he is one of the easiest players on the team to teach.  His massive amounts of intelligence would go a long way in creating the very best Super-Gamecock possible. 

    That's why he has to keep his hair so short.  It shows off his massive head, which is due to his massive brain. 

The Work Ethic of Marcus Lattimore

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    Marcus Lattimore is the hardest working player on the entire team, and possibly the entire country.  His heart and his leadership have helped South Carolina become the solid program it is today. 

    You would need to have a great work ethic to be a Frankenstein monster football player.  You would have to power through all the hate due to you being a, well, you know, freak. 

The Athleticism of Jadeveon Clowney

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    Here are some important facts as to why Jadeveon Clowney would be the ideal choice for athleticism.

    Jadeveon Clowney doesn't run the 40.  The 40 runs from him. 

    When life gives Jadeveon Clowney lemons, he makes grape juice. 

    When Jadeveon Clowney plays Pac-Man, the ghosts stay in the box. 

    Q:  How many push-ups can Jadeveon Clowney do?  A:  All of them. 

    But yeah, he's an athletic freak and one of the most athletic players in the entire country. 

The Size of Devin Taylor

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    At 6'8", 267 pounds (ahem), Devin Taylor is the perfect size for our mutant.  His long arms and thick frame give him a great effectiveness in large areas. 

The Strength of Byron Jerideau

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    Byron Jerideau broke the record for strongest player pound-for-pound in Gamecock history.  He broke the record by lifting two fully grown mooses.  Moose?  Meese?  Meeses? 

    Either way, Jerideau never needs to call a tow truck because, in fact, he is a tow truck himself.

The Speed of Damiere Byrd

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    Damiere Byrd has been clocked in the 4.26 range.  He's by far the fastest player on the team.  He makes the speed of light wish it was faster. 

The Agression of Victor Hampton

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    Victor Hampton completes the creature with his swagger and attitude.  Since our player has Marcus Lattimore and Connor Shaw's brains and heart, he should be able to reel in the off-the-field issues. 

    Every great player needs a little bit of swag and confidence. 

    Victor Hampton's hair is also a very impressive part of his game, and should be added to our creature's amazing gene bank. 

The Total Package

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    Behold, the truth. 

    It is alive, and it... is... beautiful. 

    What would you like to see sprinkled into our mutant creation?