At the end of the championship celebrations in Gainesville, Florida this weekend, Heisman-trophy winning, two-time BCS Champion, two-time SEC Champion, circumcision expert, King of the Philippines, and quarterback Timmy "Superman" "Don't Make Me Gator Chomp You" Tebow proclaimed that he would return to the Florida Gator football team for his senior season.
Shortly thereafter, Percy "No Mercy" "I'm Faster Than You Even At 90%" Harvin and Brandon "Your Team Is a Joke" "There Is No Catchy Nickname That Can Describe What It Is Like When I Hit You" Spikes also announced their intentions of staying in Gainesville for their senior season.
In addition, all of the six and seven-star 2009 Gator high school recruits also announced they would stay with the Gators. Unfortunately, after Tebow's announcement, Florida did lose one QB recruit from the town of Smallville, who was expecting to start as a true freshman.
What was even more shocking was the announcement from Coach Urban "The Urbanizer" "No, Not Suburbanizer Or Womanizer" "I Love This Team" Meyer that he and his entire staff will be taking jobs in the NFL.
When first questioned about this, a surprised Meyer just said, "We're No. 1, you guys can go figure out the rest, it's not up to me."
Calls to the Florida Gator Football Public Relations desk went unanswered, as the voicemail message simply said, "Due to recent events, we are currently replenishing our stockpile of Gatorade and will return your call as soon as we can. Go Gators!"
There are also unsubstantiated rumors neither confirmed nor denied by the author of this article that the Florida Gators will become the 33rd franchise of the National Football League. Anonymous experts speculate that Urban Meyer and his staff will continue to coach the Gators and the Gator starting line-up would remain intact.
The Owner of the new franchise is also a mystery. Some don't even believe that the Owner exists. However, earlier today Tebow was quoted as saying "I'm not sure how much I'm allowed to tell you at this point, but I can say the He does exist, and I talk to Him on a daily basis."
College football reporters have often speculated that at some point the Florida Gators, as well as the USC Trojans, would be moved to the next level, but most dismissed it as crazy talk.
However, with the embarrassing collapse of the Big Ten and Big Twelve conferences this decade, the SEC is the only true top-to-bottom power conference remaining in the FBS, and in the West, USC has been a Trojan man among boys for the past eight years.
Oklahoma cornerback Dominic Franks quipped, "Well, I guess the Big 12 defenses were a joke, but still I think Tebow would only be the fourth-best quarterback in the NFL."
There was no immediate response from Tebow as he flew to the Philippines this afternoon, incidentally around the same time as a massive line of tornadoes spun through the midwest.
Reaction from NFL players to the rumors were mixed. Donovan McNabb was quoted as saying, "I thought they already were an NFL team?"
Peyton Manning, who has never beaten Florida, said, "I'd love to take another shot at those Gators. Man, they're fast".
Crazy talk? I think not.
When asked to comment about the NFL, Brandon Spikes just said, "It's a joke. All these NFL analyst say the Tebow isn't NFL material. I just know that Tim will tear NFL defenses apart. No NFL defense can stop his jump pass, nobody."
Spikes' message to NFL defenses seems to be "fear the jump pass."
Fear the jump pass indeed, NFL. Tebow is coming.
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