WWE: Five Comedic Ideas for WrestleMania's GM Match and Storyline
Let me start off by agreeing with a fellow B/R writer: this storyline is filler. Bona fide, Grade A filler. Straight filler, homey.
And I am treating it as such by mocking it in the next five slides, so any hardcore wrestling fan that is easily offended or has no sense of humor, please close this article. Or, close this article, get some pills and open it again. More reads for me.
We can have a little fun with this feud, right? In the order in which they popped into my troubled brain, here are some ways the GM storyline and match could (or should) unfold.
Tag Team Match, Each Team Represents a GM
This one seems to be the most boring and obvious choice. Week after week, John Laurinaitis and Teddy Long will continue one-upping the other, until one issues a challenge to a match at WrestleMania.
Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler have aligned themselves with John Laurinaitis, so they will presumably team with Laurinaitis's legal counsel, David Otunga.
Teddy Long's team will likely feature Kofi Kingston and Santino Marella (seen with Long on Raw this week), along with another babyface superstar (R-Truth perhaps? Or maybe a returning Rey Mysterio?).
This six-man tag team match will be given five minutes at WrestleMania, involve an Aksana-Vickie Guerrero catfight, and ultimately, definitively, suck.
WrestleMania Special: A Lumberjack Match That Evolves into a Battle Royal
A spin off of the previous slide, only it's a lumberjack tag match, with every superstar not on the WrestleMania card (Ezekiel Jackson, Curt Hawkins, Tyson Kidd, etc.) serving as lumberjacks.
To everyone's utter amazement, the lumberjacks will not only fail to be impartial and maintain order (when has this ever happened??), they all get in the ring and start fighting each other! SHOCKING!!! But what's this? Triple H is coming out, and he's making this a lumberjack match! Wowza!
The superstars battle intensely for about eight minutes, when suddenly a man jumps over the security barricade and gets into the ring.
Since this man in none other than Chuck Norris, security guards assume it is part of the show and let him pass. But it's not part of the show, oh no, and the WWE superstars are in trouble.
Before he punches anyone with the fist underneath his beard, he douses himself with water. He doesn't get wet, however; the water gets Chuck Norris.
He slides into the ring, and before he even has time to count backwards from infinity, Chuck Norris throws every superstar over the top rope except for the Great Khali, who runs away crying with a trail of urine behind him.
The referee nervously declares him the winner, and Chuck eventually leaves Sun Life Stadium after having relations with every woman in the building.
The wrestlers are stunned at what has happened; the announcers are stunned at what has happened, and the women are especially stunned at how satisfied they are. The GM storyline is never resolved and it is never mentioned on WWE television again. The end.
The First-Ever Courtroom Classic, or Malfunction with an Injunction
The Courtroom Classic would come about as a result of a physical altercation between Teddy Long and John Laurinaitis. After the altercation, David Otunga would inform us that Laurinaitis is suing Long over the incident, and that Otunga himself will be prosecuting Long.
After the commercial break, cameras find Teddy Long walking into his office and finding none other than Santino Marella there using a laptop computer. When Long inquires as to what Santino is doing, Santino replies, "Don't-a-worry, boss! I got your back! I have just-a given-a thirty-five dollar to the College of the Phonix onlines and they have ordained Santino Marella to be what he needs to be for you, Teddy Longs, at WrestleMonya. Santino will be defending you against the David Otunga, because Santino has drank the bar exam and became, a law-yer!"
"Now don't worry your bald head, Teddy Longs, because Santino Marella has pulled some strings, and he has gotten his judge friend to agree to move the case to Miamis, and to hear your testymonkies, at Wrestlemonya!"
The next few weeks the feud continues with Teddy Long and John Laurinaitis speaking to each other only through their attorneys, as is custom. Hilarity will ensue as Santino will mispronounce many legal terms, such as evidence, objection, subpoena, and book.
A courtroom would be setup in the ring at WrestleMania, complete with witness stand and stenographer. A judge, wearing a black robe with a George Washington wig, would emerge from backstage and take his seat. During the "trial", Santino would refer to him first as "Your Honor", then as "John Connor", and finally just as "Terminator."
Santino, Otunga, Long, and Laurinaitis would argue back and forth for a few minutes, with Otunga getting angry and approaching the judge's bench. While Otunga's back was turned, Santino would pull the Cobra out of his suit jacket, slide it on his arm, and strike Otunga in the face after Otunga turned back around.
The crowd would cheer, the judge would dismiss the lawsuit, and Teddy Long would become the general manager of both shows, because that is how fake court cases work. Obviously.
Here's what I'm thinking; they find a little person with a bald head that can do Teddy Long's (attempt at a) dance move, and they find another little person with a raspy voice, because that's really all that a John Laurinaitis little person requires. Throw in some mud, maybe put 'em in little cowboy hats and give 'em rope, I don't know.
It could be built with a dance contest one week, then a speaking competition, maybe a spelling bee... the possibilities are endless! Throw in a backstage segment in which Aksana accidentally kisses mini-Teddy and bam! There's a WWE storyline.
And at WrestleMania have the little guys battle it out, with WWE's resident little guy, Hornswoggle, as the special guest referee to ensure that the good guys win, and that Teddy gets to dance with Lil Teddy. Done and done. Now onto the final, and best, idea.
Scrap the GM Storyline Entirely!
This idea is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better than anything I can come up with to make the GM storyline funny or intriguing. I don't know how one could write it, but maybe show Teddy and Big Johnny talking alone in an office backstage, then cut to a tray full of half-eaten brownies.
"Teddy, man, I don't know why I was mad at you, man! You're pretty cool, bruh! I like your style, man. We can just each have own our show, man, like we used to. Sound sweet, man?"
"Yeah, playa dude, that sounds pretty rad! I like having my own show to run, playa dude, We're totally cool Johnny."
"That's awesome man! I'm way glad we could. Whoa man, you got a tattoo!"
"Whoa, so do you! What's mine say?"
"Sweet! What's mine say?"
"Dude! What's mine say?"
"Sweet! But what's mine say?"
"DUDE! WHAT'S MINE SAY?...."
And fade out. Doesn't this work for everybody? Is there anyone that's really clamoring for the payoff to this feud? And if you are that one person, look at it this way: wouldn't you rather have seven more minutes of Punk vs. Jericho? I thought so. Get rid of it altogether.
Thanks for Reading
If you didn't enjoy reading this, nor did you find it humorous in any way, I understand completely. Go ahead and type up a mean comment, but before you hit send, slap yourself in the face and X off the page. I'm very sensitive and I don't want you to hurt my feelings = )
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