Tim Tebow Declares for NFL Draft, Urban Meyer Lands "Dream Job" (Satire)

Travis MillerAnalyst IJanuary 11, 2009

When Tim Tebow declared early for the NFL Draft after winning his second National Championship at the University of Florida, pundits everywhere thought it was the end of the world for Urban Meyer and the Gators, and the beginning of great things for Tim Tebow.

Five years later, those wise guys have faded into obscurity after going down in history for making the worst prediction in sports history.

The media's love affair with Tebow went to his head, and resulting criticism affected him even further. His competitive nature got the best of him.

"People said his efforts abroad for the less fortunate were all for show," his father, Bob, said. "Something snapped inside."

Tebow led a band of loyal followers to the Philippines, his place of birth, changed his name to "Lord Timmy," and hasn't been heard from since.

"Timmy's Tribe" has been spotted in India, Djibouti, and Central America doing missionary work.

As for Meyer, with Tebow gone and two BCS titles under his belt, he felt his work was done with the Gators.

"The recruiting had reached a high point, but how do you rebound from losing the greatest player in college football history?" he asked. "You don't. It just so happened there was a vacancy for a job I have dreamed of having for years."

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was seeking a replacement head coach for the Gryffindor Quidditch team.

Though Meyer had no experience coaching Quidditch, he had become familiar with the sport.

"Two of my children (Gigi and Nathan) were big into the Harry Potter books," he said. "When I would come home late, I liked to snag the books and sneak downstairs to read them. Guilty pleasure or not, coaching at Hogwarts became my dream job. I never thought it would actually happen."

With an impressive resume, and a very solid recruiting ability, Hogwarts headmaster Severus Snape decided to make the hire.

"Meyer is magic on the field," Snape said. "He does some remarkable things as a coach."

In his five years at the helm, Meyer has led Gryffindor to the Quidditch Cup at Hogwarts each year, earning the No. 1 ranking in the world for an astounding 215 consecutive weeks.

His team has also won tournaments in Japan, Poland, and Luxembourg.

"Not having the NCAA breathing down my back is beautiful," Meyer said. "There are no strict eligibility or recruiting rules, so I take advantage of every opportunity I didn't have in college football."

Meyer pushed the envelope at first, challenging every rule posing a threat to his dominance of the sport.

"It turns out they don't enforce anything," he said. "And the school doesn't seem to be restricted by financial issues, so I can pretty much offer to pay people whatever they want."

Harry Potter, in his 11th year as seeker, has led Gryffindor in the air each year. By far the longest tenured member of Meyer's squad, Potter is the only player remaining from the pre-Meyer era.

Meyer, through exceptional recruiting, has lured several stars away from their respective sports. Former football star Brett Favre, baseball pitcher Jake Peavy, and softball strikeout machine Angela Tincher serve as chasers, with baseball Hall of Famer Barry Bonds playing alongside Sidney Crosby, a star in the now-extinct National Hockey League, as beaters.

NFL defensive great Ed Reed is the keeper, and Rickey Henderson is the backup seeker.

"Rickey likes having another chance to be great," Henderson said. "Rickey should be in the Quidditch Hall of Fame. Rickey, Rickey, Rickey."

As for the Gators, they rebounded remarkably well without Meyer and Tebow.

They hired former University of Buffalo head coach Turner Gill, who picked up right where Meyer left off. Gill has led Florida to three SEC championships and a National Title in his five seasons in Gainesville.