The Almighty: "I Shall Smite the New York Football Giants"

Mike W.Contributor IJanuary 11, 2009

Being admittedly ambivalent toward all religious/spiritual influences, I was quite shocked this afternoon, when the Lord/Prophet/Flying Spaghetti Monster spoke to me. The following is the transcript of the conversation, as best I remember it. Take heed.

THE ALMIGHTY: MIKE!

ME: Wha? Who? Um, yes?

THE ALMIGHTY: LEAVE THE DOG ALONE. WE NEED TO TALK.

ME: Right. What's crackin'?

THE ALMIGHTY: I AM MOST DISPLEASED WITH NEW YORK. I HAVE ALREADY DISPATCHED WITH THE JETS, THANKS IN NO SMALL PART TO BRETT FAVRE'S SHENANIGANS. BUT THERE MUST BE MORE PENANCE FOR THEIR TRANSGRESSIONS.

ME: Transgressions? I don't follow. You've already crushed the hopes and dreams of Mets fans for two straight years. Oh, thanks, by the way...that was awesome.

THE ALMIGHTY: SURE THING.

ME: So what's with the Giants?

THE ALMIGHTY: THIS IS THE FAULT OF THE NEW YORK YANKEES. THEY HAVE SPENT IN EXCESS OF $420 MILLION DOLLARS THIS OFFSEASON FOR A MORBIDLY OBESE PITCHER, A CHOKE ARTIST-TURNED-CLEANUP HITTER, AND, UM, A.J. BURNETT.

ME: So you're taking it out on the Giants. Sounds good to me. But why help Philadelphia? The Phillies won the World Series, and I've spent the last 10 weeks taunting Mets fans. I thought you'd be a little cranky about all that.

THE ALMIGHTY: WELL, I'M NOT THRILLED ABOUT YOUR RESPONSE TO THIS MIRACLE OF MIRACLES, BUT I KIND OF SCREWED YOU BACK IN '97.

ME: Yeah. The Red Wings. 4-0 sweep. That was cute. Any plans to make up for Sid Crosby's existence?

THE ALMIGHTY: LOOK, ONE AT A TIME. BESIDES, HE'S GARY BETTMAN'S BFF, NOT MINE.

ME: Sounds like a deal. Hey, G_d?

THE ALMIGHTY: YEAH-HUH?

ME: You didn't do that thing to Plaxico Burress, did you?

THE ALMIGHTY: HA! DO YOU HONESTLY THINK I'D FORCE ANYONE TO WEAR SWEATPANTS TO A CLUB?

ME: Hahah! I guess not. That'd be pretty cruel. Thanks, Your Excellency!

THE ALMIGHTY: NO PROB! BUT SERIOUSLY, LEAVE THE DOG ALONE.

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