2009 Premier League Predictions: Part One

Use your ← → (arrow) keys to browse more stories
2009 Premier League Predictions: Part One

A new year, a new dawn?

The twelve months gone by will have either been disappointing or sensational, depending on your point of view.

Every football follower is entitled to a certain amount of optimism in January—usually, it's gone by February!

I wonder what we're in store for... 

 

January

Transfer-window time and the main players are Manchester City.  After weeks of simply pretending to be after simple players like Bellamy, Parker, and Santa Cruz, City reveal their true intentions on deadline day. 

Tevez simply disappears from Old Trafford, but nobody notices. The entire West Ham squad is sold and Zola is left with the U17s. On deadline day City wait until the last hour before splashing out on Buffon, Lahm, Terry, Ferdinand, Kaka, Ronaldinho, Villa, and Podolski.

In other sport news, Tiger Woods wins in Augusta despite being shot several times by Boo Weekley, who mistakes him for a moose. Because of his injuries he only wins by eleven strokes.

 

February

The Champions League resumes with Inter Milan knocking out Manchester United with a last-minute goal from none other than Carlos Tevez. Liverpool send Madrid crashing out, Chelsea edge Juve, while Roma stun Arsenal.

After a heavy challenge on Cesc Fabregas, Wenger calls for the removal of any physical contact from football.  He promises his "young kids" will come good next year.

Sam Allardyce quits as Blackburn boss after breaking down during a defeat to Newcastle. West Ham lose their eight succesive match and hit rock bottom.

The Carling Cup is won by Derby who beat Burnley after the latter stun Tottenham with a 3-0 win at Turf Moor. 

 

March

Stoke discover Rory Delap had been playing with two broken shoulders all season and send him for an operation in Germany. The league remains very tight with two points seperating sixth and last.

Liverpool are still on top, but no pundit recognises their title chances. United who have eight games at hand, are still favoured to win. Aston Villa are still fourth, but Wenger repeats his "young kids" will come good. Manchester City are in a relegation place and Mark Hughes is given two games to save his season.

Liverpool and Chelsea march on into the semis of the Champions League after disposing of Villareal and Roma, respectively.

France claim the Six Nations after beating Wales in an epic where Vincent Clerc outscores Shane Williams by six tries to five.

 

April

Rory Delap returns and his first throw-in at the City of Manchester Stadium hits a spectator in the opposite stand. Man City find themselves in sixth place a virtue of the very close league table. Hughes is assured his job is safe.

Liverpool are still on top of the league, but are still being written off by pundits who favour third-placed Manchester United. Chelsea fire Scolari after a semifinal defeat to Liverpool. Roman Abramovich considers bribing UEFA to remove the semifinals.

Stoke climb out of the danger zone, as Fuller heads home a 900-metre Delap throw-in against Blackburn.

Newcastle and Everton qualify for the FA Cup final at the expense of Spurs and Torquay, respectively.

 

May

Liverpool win the league with one game to spare, but pundits are still tipping fourth-place Manchester United to make a late charge. Arsenal miss out on fourth place, que Wenger's "young kids" speech.

The last day of the season involves various mathematical permutations as sixth can finish twentieth, vice versa. After a last-minute penalty miss from John Terry, City slip from sixth to eighteenth. Mark Hughes is fired before leaving the pitch, and City go down with Spurs and Blackburn.

Phil Brown gets rid of the home dressing room and conducts all business on the pitch, in front of the fans.

Newcastle edge Everton to ensure statues of JFK are erected all over Tyneside.

Barcelona edge Liverpool as Messi bags a brace, Benitez takes his rotation policy a step too far, every five minutes every player moves to the right. The game ends with Torres in goal and Reina up front.

 

June

City, despite being in the Coca Cola Championship, snap up Henry, Xavi, Iniesta, Messi, Ronaldo, Torres, Drogba, Lampard, Gerrard, Carragher, Rooney Ribery Vidic, Benzema .and Aguero.

Wimbledon is won by Rafa Nadal after edging Roger Federer in a final set of 23-21.  The game takes three days to complete.

Load More Stories

Follow B/R on Facebook

Out of Bounds

Premier League

Subscribe Now

We will never share your email address

Thanks for signing up.