Pacman Jones Cut By Cowboys...But Not For the Obvious Reasons

Troubled Cowboys played Adam “Pacman” Jones was released by the team.  On the surface, it would appear because his signing was a total bust due to his failure on the field.  But those closest to the Cowboys know the real reason for the cut.

Jones apparently disappointed fellow Jones, Cowboys’ owner Jerry Jones, not by his performance, but due to the fact he scored Jerry Jones and the rest of the Cowboys some bad crack. 

A source close to the Cowboys was quoted as saying “It’s no secret that Pacman’s signing was because of his drug connections to go along with Jerry Jones’ desire to get back to the crackhead mentality of his team that won (three Super Bowls).”

The source went on to say that the reason why he retained coach Wade Phillips was because he knew the team’s choking had nothing to do with his coaching, but the fact that Pacman was unable to encourage more drug use and violence among his teammates. 

Jones was quoted as saying, “If we had just one guy beating up a prostitute or busted for cocaine, we would’ve won it all.”

Jones knew firsthand of this failure by the fact that the drugs he was “hooked up” with by Pacman had virtually no effect.  “With the way we played at some points this season, I needed to be high”, Jones was heard to say.  But he was unable to achieve the “trips” he used to under the stashes provided by Michael Irvin, not to mention better performance on the field.

So what’s now for the Cowboys?  Having failed with Pacman, perhaps it’s time to look in a new direction of criminal activity. 

You guessed it.  The solution to the Cowboys is signing Plaxico Burress.  Although Jones denied his desire to sign the troubled Giants receiver, more secret sources quoted him as saying, “A guy who not only carries a gun to clubs, but actually fires it.  Sign him up.”

Obviously, this could mean the door for Terrell Owens.  But Jones has been heard to say that T.O.’s drug of choice is himself, and thus not Cowboys material and that if Owens was hooked on something, he would have led his team to repeat championships by now. 

Burress’ signing would be a different type of criminal employment.  But to his credit, Jones was said to have been willing to sign O.J. Simpson for a comeback with the Cowboys in 1994, but realized he had enough criminals on his roster to ache out a title.