Diary of a Lakers Fan's Wife

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Diary of a Lakers Fan's Wife

Lakers vs. Hornets at Staples Center, Jan. 6, 2009

7:00 PM—Time for the Lakers pregame show. Rick Fox, Norm Nixon and Billy McDonald sit in director's chairs and go on for 30 minutes about how perfect the Lakers are. My hubby is eating it up, smiling, in a great mood.

7:30 PM-—Game starts, the entire house is told to hush. I'm cooking dinner, and apparently making too much noise stirring the homemade pasta sauce with a rubber spatula.

7:45 PM—It's an up and down game, and hubby is on the edge of his seat. More beer is being opened, and a snide comment about how the Celtics "lost again" comes out of his mouth. Funny, he never mentioned anything about them when the Celtics had the best record in the NBA.

Sometime in the first half—Lamar Odom has been hurt. OMG. When isn't he hurt?

8:00 PM—The game is still see-sawing back and forth. My girlfriend in Arizona calls, and I am told to go into the other room to yak. After ten minutes, I return, and the movie "Jumper" is starting. I ask him why this movie is on, and he informs me that, "I never saw the beginning of this movie." Translation: the Lakers are losing.

8:45 PM—The Lakers are down by eight points and apparently they have "let the Hornets back in the game." Kobe throws a 30-foot desperation shot three tenths of a second before the shot clock expires and nails it, bringing the previously booing Lakers' fans at Staples Center screaming in delight.

Hornets 61 Lakers 56 at halftime.

One of the Lakers' three stooges (Rick, Norm, or Billy) has announced that the Celtics lost in OT to the Bobcats, and that they have "been brought back to reality." Hmm...and the Lakers’ fans are always in reality? Note—hubby is smiling. The bastard.

Joel Meyers and Stu Lantz are the play-by-play announcers, but in the meantime, Norm Nixon's expert analysis for the second half is this: "We have to play defense." Brilliant, I tell ya. Brilliant.

9:00 PM—Still breathlessly waiting to hear what's wrong with Lamar Odom and if all of the Lakers’ fans in attendance will get free tacos from Jack In The Box - a fast food burger joint - if the Lakers hold the Hornets to under a 100 points.

9:02 PM—Odom has a hyper-extended right knee. Hubby's eyes just rolled to the back of his head.

9:03 PM—Kobe gets called for a reach-around foul and of course, admits it was a good call. *Sarcasm inserted here*

9:05 PM—Andrew Bynum hugs a Hornets’ player trying to dunk, gets called for the foul, and hubby yells, "aw come on" at the refs.

9:07 PM—I asked my husband why the "Lakers scream like babies every time they drive to the basket and act like they are getting fouled on every play." Hubby is no longer speaking to me.

9:10 PM—Lakers 75 Hornets 67 with 8:15 left in the third quarter. The remote control has made an appearance and we are now watching Blazing Saddles on AMC. (I would ask him why he changed channels, but is that really a wise idea?) It's the scene where Madeline Kahn unzips Cleavon Little's pants and says, "It's twoo, it's twoo." (She has a speech impediment and can't say her "R's." You figure it out.)

9:14 PM—Lakers 75 Hornets 77. Hubby is suddenly interested in the game again after switching back to see if the Lakers are "in it." The crowd, it seems, has put down their cell phones and decided to watch the game.

9:24 PM—Lakers 89 Hornets 85. Doesn't look like the Lakers fans are getting free tacos. What a ripoff for all of those poor folks who paid for those tickets.

9:26 PM—Fisher gets called for a foul, and hubby's arms are upraised in questioning the call. Note: hubby was checking the channel guide while this foul occurred, so he couldn't possibly have seen the play, but since the crowd voiced their displeasure, it must have been a bad call.

9:30 PM—Kobe makes a great move to the basket at the top of the key, makes a pass to himself in the key, throws up a prayer while out of control, then screams for a foul while landing on his bum. *Crickets chirping*

9:32 PM—Kobe tries a fadeaway jumper and cries again for a whistle. None forthcoming, and hubby has waved his hands in disgust at TV. Time for a beer. For me.

9:35 PM—Josh Powell (who the eff is he?) gets an offensive rebound off an airball from Sasha and dinks it in—hubby proclaims the Lakers bench "as deep as the Mariana Trench."  Hubby is poured another glass of Kool-aid.

9:41 PM—Hornets 101 Lakers 99. No free tacos. Luke Walton has been interviewed and he has sesmoidititis. In other words, his tendons hurt his toe. I asked hubby if this means Walton will be out for months since he takes a long time to recover from injuries.

Silence.

9:44 PM—Hornets 104 Lakers 99. Derek Fisher drives to the basket and doesn't make the shot, but screams for a foul. Fisher gets T'd up, and instant replay shows nobody touched him. Channel has now been changed to National Geographic, and the subject tonight is the Hubble Telescope. Good stuff.

9:46 PM—Time for some celebrity shots. Tonight we have Kenny G, Maria Sharapova, Jack Black, and Jack Nicholson. Hornets have made a 13-0 run.

9:49 PM—"They are goading us into taking three-pointers, and we can't make them," hubby proclaims. "We suck." I agree with him, and am met with an icy glare.

9:50 PM—The husband is now ticking off the injury list: Odom, Farmar, and Walton. Three minutes left in the game, back to Hubble's Amazing Telescope on the National Geographic channel. I ask, "Gee honey, don't you want to watch the finish and then the post-game show?" Channel is changed to the History Channel. We are now watching forced integration in Alabama, called Breaking the Huddle: Integration. I can't complain, at least it's football.

9:58 PM—Kobe throws up two bricks, comes back on a long pass to defend a dunk beautifully, Fisher fouls someone and flops like a salmon out of water and Sasha gets a T for complaining. "We can't get a break," hubby says.

Final score: Hornets 116 Lakers 105. Never saw the last 20 seconds. Hubby refused to watch it. Note: When the Lakers beat the Celtics on Christmas day, I had to endure the press conferences, post-game analysis, and then "local reaction" on ABC with some dude covering the game from The ESPN Zone at Disneyland's Disney Walk.

Just think. Six more months of this. I can't wait.

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