WWE No Love Lost: Analyzing Today's Rocky Wrestling Relationships
In light of Valentine's Day, WWE Superstars and Divas race to find their significant other in the locker room to spend the annual holiday.
From Stephanie McMahon and Triple H to Glamarella, WWE has a storied history of composing relationships among wrestlers and Divas alike, whether they be strictly for storyline purposes or even legitimate.
However, every relationship has its respective share of issues, especially when it comes to the ever-changing world of pro wrestling.
Using my high-school knowledge of what works in relationships and what doesn’t, I attempt to analyze each couple in the WWE today and see what the future might hold.
Which ones have the ability to sink or swim?
Dolph Ziggler and Vickie Guerrero
Personally, I’d call this relationship more of a “gold digger” shindig than actual love at first sight.
Dolph Ziggler first hooked up with Vickie Guerrero in the summer of 2010 in order to manipulate her into granting him a shot at the Intercontinental Championship.
Even after capturing the strap, Vickie continued to accompany Ziggler to the ring for his matches while becoming the deciding factor for most of his victories.
Over the course of the past two years, Vickie has been successful in getting Ziggler incredibly over with the audience as a hated heel while also maintaining her incredible heat as well.
Although apparent tension has gotten between them at times, the former U.S. Champion knows that losing Vickie could be a major risk that he isn't ready to take.
Since Dolph Ziggler is only 31 while Vickie Guerrero is 43 years old, if that isn’t considered a "cougar relationship" to you, then I don’t know what is.
Don’t get me wrong, Vickie has certainly improved her look over the years, but I can’t see whatever Eddie Guerrero ever saw in her.
Much like Ziggler, Edge and Eric Escobar were only into Vickie for the perks, such as the title shots and power.
Expect to see the bleached-blonde Superstar ditch Guerrero once he finally gets what he wants: a run with the WWE Championship.
You would think that by now Vickie would have learned her lesson and not fall for guys that only like her for her money.
JTG and Tamina
Talk about a mismatch.
While Tamina hails from the prestigious Samoan islands, JTG is type of guy that the typical father wouldn’t let his daughter date for obvious reasons. That was the exact original reason why Tamina joined the Brooklyn brawler in the first place: to make the Usos jealous.
Once that was accomplished, she slowly fell for the fly JTG over time.
Of course, it wouldn’t last long. She soon realized that the gold in his teeth was nothing compared to the Divas Championship.
Once again, JTG is flying solo.
See what I did there?
Tyson Kidd and Natalya
Being one of the few legitimate relationships that can be related to reality, Tyson Kidd and Natalya are the couple that’s meant to be. She’s been with him since his debut three years ago today.
The two remained together on WWE television up until November 2010, where the Hart Dynasty essentially split to go their separate ways. Despite a one-off reunion on Raw a few weeks back, we haven't seen much from either Canadian native since then.
Every great couple has their hardships, and in this case, it was Natalya locking Kidd in a sharpshooter to show her disgust in what he’d become.
Nonetheless, it might be Kidd now who might be having second thoughts, given Natalya’s recent flatulence problems.
If my girlfriend blamed her farts on me, I’d give her the cold shoulder, too.
Daniel Bryan and AJ
This was the one relationship that I wanted to see come to fruition in 2011 and, sure enough, it did.
They make the perfect couple, since both are nerdy in their own way, excellent wrestlers and can still fit into clothes at Babies "R" Us.
AJ started to develop a liking for Daniel Bryan last November when he entered the hunt for the World Heavyweight Championship. After being in past relationships with Gail Kim and both of the Bella Twins, I must say that Bryan is quite the player.
Everything was going well for a short while, until Big Show accidentally ran over the 95-pound Diva on an episode of SmackDown last month. It seems as if Bryan is only using AJ for sympathy and protection, which has become blatantly obvious to almost everyone except for AJ herself.
If an idiot like Michael Cole can see that, then why can’t the oblivious AJ see it?
Remember, this is after the fact that AJ quickly confessed her love for him and Bryan responded with, “I appreciate that.”
It’s a couple straight out of junior high: The premature girl thinks she’s in love, the guy uses her to get what he wants, and the girl ends up getting hurt in the end (in this case, it’s physically).
If AJ doesn’t come to her senses soon, things will not end well by any means.
Epico, Primo and Rosa Mendes
While neither Primo nor Epico seem to be in a relationship with their manager Rosa Mendes at the moment, I wouldn’t be surprised if their respective love for her got in the way of their friendship.
Although they’re the WWE Tag Team Champions, that doesn’t mean Rosa won’t split them apart.
I mean, come on, her booty shaking and spicy stature are simply irresistible.
It’s a simple case of two friends wanting the same girl, but only one can get the prize known as the sexy Rosa Mendes.
Seriously, who wouldn’t want to tap that?
Derrick Bateman and Maxine
Obviously, every relationship has its respective share of problems, but none more than the coupling of NXT: Redemption’s Derrick Bateman and Maxine.
As much as I don’t want to refer to Maxine as “the girl who gets around,” it certainly is leaning that way after dating both Bateman and Johnny Curtis numerous times in the past few months.
Derrick has to realize soon that she just isn’t worth the agony he’s going through, since Curtis is hell-bent on making their relationship tumultuous.
The love triangle just recently expanded when Kaitlyn, who is slowly falling for Bateman, was thrown into the mix.
I knew jealousy was a major factor in high-school relationships, but it seems as if it’s easy to encounter in the WWE locker room as well.
Sure, Maxine is attractive, but her mind games are slowly tearing Bateman apart.
If you’re looking for high-school drama and anything but wrestling, I strongly suggest checking out an episode of NXT.
Zack Ryder and Eve
Zack Ryder is just that lovable loser you just have to give a chance to in order to leave you alone.
However, in Eve’s case, she ended up falling for him instead.
I must say the two have great chemistry, but she’s been on the receiving end of more stalking from Kane in recent weeks than anything else.
Following past relationships with Lita, Kelly Kelly and the unfortunate Katie Vick, I’d be concerned if I was Ryder and Kane was hanging around my girlfriend.
However, all that changed last night on Raw, when Ryder caught Eve smooching with John Cena for a brief second, sending the Long Island Iced Z into an unfortunate denial.
Immediately afterwards, Eve attempted to explain for her actions by claiming that she and Ryder were "just friends" and never thought they'd ever be going out.
If you've never heard those words before, consider yourself inhuman.
Anyways, Ryder's night only went downhill from there, as he was sent spiraling off the stage while in his wheelchair at the hands of the destructive Kane.
Whether or not Eve is the next Lita is debatable at this point, but one would think that Ryder and Eve won't be exchanging valentines after all.