Watching the Super Bowl is traditionally an all-day event, despite the fact that the game itself begins at 6:30 p.m. ET. Whichever network is hosting the game (this year, it's NBC) usually spends most of the day repeating storylines over and over, except they'll have their "best" interviewer go after that storyline and put it in sepia tone.
You'll also spend most of this time eating food you would never usually eat, and spend time around people you would never usually be around. Hopefully this guide you are currently reading can teach you how to properly watch the Super Bowl.
Who's Announcing the Game?
Thankfully, not Phil Simms or Dan Dierdorf. We get the tandem of Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth, which just makes sense.
Some people have a grievance with Collinsworth, and I can sort of understand them since I used to. But then I started watching more football and realized color guys like Simms and Dierdorf and Jon Gruden existed, and became thankful that Collinsworth can at least back up his brashness with some knowledge.
If you have the misfortune of listening to the game on the radio, Boomer Esiason is the color guy, and I literally can't think of a punishment worse then that (besides having to listen to the Super Bowl on the radio).
What Should I Be Eating?
Everything you see, basically. Personally, I'll be engaging in a feast of potato skins, chips and dip/salsa/guacamole, hot dogs, french fries, buffalo wings and other foods that will make me not get any fatter because of my dope metabolism.
Shout out to my metabolism for keeping me under 200 pounds, in spite of the horrible food I regularly eat.
Where Is Gus Johnson?
Well, it's NBC, so by default he won't be there. But wouldn't it be better if he was? #freegus
Which Twitter Feeds Should I Be Following?
When Are the Optimal Bathroom Times?
Never, because unfortunately every moment during the Super Bowl is potential water-cooler conversation, and you don't want to be ostracized at work again do you?
Will Halftime Be Good?
Um, with Madonna? HELL TO THE YES (probably not).
Which Is the Game of the Week?
Who Will Have the Best Commercial?
Probably one with beer.
Who Will Have the Worst?
Probably one with Go Daddy.
Any Cool Movie Trailers During the Game?
Any Good Interviews Pre-Game?
Matt Lauer is interviewing the President of the United States (Barack Obama), so we as a country should probably watch that.
Who Will Win?
I don't know, the game hasn't happened yet.