Arsenal Transfer News: Arsene Wenger Disappoints Again with Teenage Purchase

Let me get this straight: Arsenal are five points out of a top-four spot in the English Premier League—in need of help nearly everywhere on the pitch except striker, have loads of cash left over from the summer sales of Cesc Fabregas and Samir Nasri. And this is the best Arsene Wenger could come up with?

A 19-year-old German kid named Thomas Eisfeld, who cost the Gunners a mere £400,000, and made but one token appearance for Borussia Dortmund—while struggling to make the first team?

Oh, and Eisfeld faced a "career-threatening" cruciate ligament injury in 2009?

This is the best Arsene could come up with during the January transfer window—a gimpy teenager and an older, heavily-bearded Thierry Henry?

Okay, so maybe there's nothing wrong with adding Henry on loan—if for no other reason than pure nostalgia and a sprinkle of magic from time to time.

As for the BVB boy, it's seems as if Arsene blindly plunged his hand into the bargain bin at his local video store (assuming it hasn't been nixed by Netflix yet) and came up with Battlefield Earth.

Or was Arsene just dreaming about digging up terrible films while actually dumpster diving during a recent bout of narcolepsy?

Here's how I imagine this deal went down between Wenger and Dortmund boss Jurgen Klopp:

Arsene: "Hey Jurgen, may I call you Jurgy?"

Jurgen: "No. Let me guess, Arsene, you want Mario Gotze, don't you?"

Arsene: "Noooo, who, me? You think I want Ma—how much?"

Jurgen: "He's not for sale."

Arsene: "C'mon, Jurgy! How much?"

Jurgen: "He's not for sale! And he's injured."

Arsene: "Right, right. Sorry to hear that—what about Robert Lewandowski?"

Jurgen: "Absolutely not!"

Arsene: "Don't you have anything for me, Jurgy?"

Jurgen: "Stop calling me that!"

Arsene: "Sorry—so?"

Jurgen: "Sure. He's 19, he never plays and he'll cost you less than a million."

Arsene: "Perrrrfeeecttt."

Not that anyone should be surprised. Wenger is notorious for both his thriftiness and his preference for young players. The Eisfeld acquisition gives him the perfect opportunity to exercise both tendencies at once.

As for that other tendency—leading Arsenal to the UEFA Champions League—well, that might just have to remain secondary if this is the best Wenger can do.

Follow @J0shMart1n