WWE's WrestleMania 28: A Parody Preview of the Epic Event
HUMOR — The Road to WrestleMania has countless pit stops and swerves. The literal road to WrestleMania is people driving to Miami to witness the grandeur of WrestleMania. Just be careful not to get LeBronified in the fourth quarter of your drive to Miami.
Of course, the metaphorical road to WrestleMania is not that simple. Royal Rumble is the launch point to ignite the engines of the metaphorical cars the wrestlers must drive. Royal Rumble winner Sheamus has a spot in the main event because he is Triple H's workout buddy.
Elimination Chamber is a key toll booth on the Road to WrestleMania. The "price" is lasting through five guys to win either the WWE or World Heavyweight Championship.
In other words, don't think Daniel Bryan will defend his title at WrestleMania. If he does, Vince McMahon must either be drunk or senile.
Note No. 1: Yes. I know Daniel Bryan is a great wrestler. But you are crazy if you think Daniel Bryan will actually be World Heavyweight Champion at WrestleMania.
Note No. 2: The Internet Wrestling Community has NO right to EVER complain about WWE again if Daniel Bryan and CM Punk defend their titles at WrestleMania
Enough of the Road to WrestleMania, let's get to WRESTLEMANIA!!!
Money in the Bank Ladder Match
Contestants: Brodus Clay, Christian, Daniel Bryan, Ezekiel Jackson, Jinder Mahal, JTG, Santino, and Wade Barrett
These incredibly spectacular high-flyers will put on a classic ladder match.
Brodus Clay's dancing routine will electrify the audience. Christian will get one more match if he wins the briefcase. Ezekiel Jackson and Jinder Mahal are there for their spectacular athleticism.
JTG is there to add some diversity to the event. Wade Barrett is there as the actual favorite.
Daniel Bryan is in this event because Vince McMahon realized that Daniel Bryan was actually World Heavyweight Champion at one point.
Daniel Bryan, Christian, and Wade Barrett are all climbing the ladder to get to the top! Santino comes out of nowhere and hits the Cobra on the ladder where Barrett and Bryan are on. This is what happens to these upstanding gentlemen.
Santino then climbs the ladder and hits another Cobra on Christian. Christian falls just like this!
Time spent rioting that Christian didn't win: 3 months (conservative estimate)
Time spent rioting that Santino won: 5 years
Time in the psych ward Wade Barrett, Christian, and Daniel Bryan spend after jobbing to Santino: 2 years
Shaq vs. Big Show in a 48 Minute Ironman Match
This match will be a 48 minute Iron Man match in honor of the length of a normal NBA game. If LeBron James were wrestling then it would be a 36 minute Iron Man match.
For those who do not know who Shaquille O'Neal is, he was one of the greatest NBA players who ever lived. He now does commentary for TNT.
The technical wrestling and spectacular high-flying moments will captivate the audience for 48 minutes. The majesty of two giants going at it is a precious moment in wrestling lore.
Charles Barkley and Michael Cole can call the match! Shaq wins the Ironman match 2-1.
Estimated Nap Time for Little Jimmies: 45 minutes
Estimated amount of times Charles Barkley and Michael Cole go off on random tangents during the match: 34
Beth Phoenix, Kharma, and Natalya vs. Kelly Kelly, Alicia Fox, and Eve
Wrestling matters to those three ladies listed to the left. They should go to TNA after jobbing to models once again.
Kelly Kelly rolls up Beth Phoenix and Natalya in less than a minute. Then Eve does the booty shake to pin Kharma.
Dixie Carter frantically calls Kharma to apologize for mistreating her. Shouldn't she apologize to Spike TV for appearing on television?
Estimated time it takes Kharma, Beth Phoenix, and Natalya to head to TNA: never (after they realize the pay difference)
Estimated tweets from @NotTripleH about Jerry Lawler's fantasies for those three Divas ten years ago: 14
Mark Henry vs. Great Khali in a Last Fan Standing Match
Does anyone really win here?
Winner: Fans tired of spending money on sleeping pills
Loser: Everyone else
Sheamus vs. Hornswoggle for the Cruiserweight Championship
Gallo Images/Getty Images
Sheamus uses his Royal Rumble victory to challenge the ultimate champion, Hornswoggle. Hornswoggle has not defended the Cruiserweight Championship since 2007, since nobody can even come close to beating him.
To prepare for this match, Sheamus worked on his ancient Irish tricks to convince the audience that he wasn't insane for challenging Hornswoggle. The luck of the Irish will be in play here.
Hornswoggle was rumored to end the Undertaker's hallowed streak at Wrestlemania 26. But then Shawn Michaels had to selfishly ask for a rematch. We were depraved of a five star match!
Sheamus overcomes 3 tadpole splashes to become the new Cruiserweight Champion! 3 tadpole splashes!
Winner (and new champion): Sheamus
Estimated weight he had to lose to qualify for this match: 50 pounds
Estimated percentage of fans that remember the Cruiserweight Division existed: 45%
Randy Orton (C) vs. Cody Rhodes (C) in a Champion vs. Champion Match
The Intercontinental Champion challenges the World Heavyweight Champion at Wrestlemania for the first time since the Ultimate Warrior challenged Hulk Hogan back in 1990. Cody Rhodes dedicates this match to the Ultimate Warrior. Rhodes sprints to the ring just like Warrior. He is raring to go in the ring!
In honor of his son's attempt to pull an Ultimate Warrior, Dusty Rhodes follows suit. Thirty minutes later, Rhodes enters the ring. Orton comes sauntering down shortly after that.
We have a clinic in the ring. Old fans of the National Wrestling Alliance would enjoy the match. Guest referee Dusty Rhodes would be proud. New fans of World Wrestling Entertainment also enjoy the match.
Cody Rhodes connects on 17 dashing kicks and 23 Cross-Rhodes. Randy Orton connects on one meager RKO.
I'll let you guess.
Triple H vs. Undertaker in a Buried Alive Match
Triple H has the edge in the Buried Alive match for obvious reasons. According to the omniscient Internet Wrestling Community, Triple H buries people alive for a living.
Undertaker himself is 1-3 in Buried Alive matches. Even his victory against Mankind resulted in Undertaker being buried.
The epic match is underway. Shawn Michaels is the special guest referee. He is torn whether to allow Undertaker to bury alive his best friend or his best friend to bury the entire roster.
Interference comes early and often. Triple H's workout buddy Drew McIntyre is the first victim of the Undertaker's quest to bury Triple H's workout buddies alive. Kevin Nash and Sean Waltman are the next guys buried by Undertaker (cue the IWC going bonkers in happiness).
Triple H responds by burying Dolph Ziggler, Wade Barrett, and even the Miz alive. The internet is now firmly on Undertaker's side, until they realized Miz was buried alive.
Oh yeah. I forgot. Undertaker can't lose at Wrestlemania. Or can he?
Estimated number of people literally and figuratively buried by Undertaker and Triple H: 13
Seriously, how is Drew not being pushed even though he is Triple H's workout buddy? I thought that guaranteed you main event status.
Santino vs. Undertaker
WHAT?!?! Santino cashes in his briefcase on the Streak. Santino gets a referee to ring the bell. It is a surreal atmosphere in Miami.
Santino connects on the Cobra! Undertaker falls in to the pit to where Triple H and all his workout buddies are located.
Santino dumps the dirt! The referee rings the bell, signifying victory for the Italian Stallion.
Oh my God! Santino did the impossible. No. Not end the streak. Get fans to wake up from the Great Khali vs. Mark Henry match.
Estimated fans rioting because Santino ended the Streak: 0 (for obvious reasons)
CM Punk (C) vs. Chris Jericho for the WWE Championship
Dear Internet Wrestling Community,
I have heard your complaints. I have heard your desires. I decided to give you what you want.
Daniel Bryan as World Heavyweight Champion? CM Punk as WWE Champion? Zack Ryder on TV? What more do you want, Samoa Joe as Intercontinental Champion and AJ Styles as United States Champion?
Did I ever mention I actually spent money to sign Chris Jericho so he can feud with CM Punk. Two internet heroes headlining the biggest show of the year is something that makes me sick!
But I do it for you! I do it for the fans who stream my crappy $55 pay-per-views and the wonderful fans who complain about John Laurinaitis getting more TV time than anyone else.
The match ended after a double-count out because Chris Jericho forgot his beautiful jacket.
PS: You can start complaining again. I just wanted to see the look on your face after you realize your heroes suck!
CM Punk (C) vs. Santino for the WWE Championship
Santino cashes in the briefcase again! He never used the briefcase on Undertaker's streak, because he never had to enter the ring.
Yes. Santino just won the WWE Championship with the Cobra again. The Cobra!
Winner (and new WWE Champion): Santino
Estimated Percentage of fans who actually thought Santino would be WWE Champion at the end of the night: 0.00013%.
Estimated fans still in attendance after Santino ended the Undertaker's streak: 0
Rock vs. John Cena
This is a battle of eras! The Rock represents all the fans from the Attitude Era, and fans who actually have a decent eye for talent. John Cena represents all the fans from the PG Era, and fans who have yet to hit puberty yet.
Wrestling matters now. Play this music to capture the atmosphere of the match.
The match is underway with the Rock laying the Smackdown on that phony. He connects on an early Rock Bottom and a People's Elbow to get a 2-count. Then Rock repeats that process two more times.
Dwayne Johnson decides to get creative after realizing he is facing Superman. Did I ever mention it was a No Disqualification match?
Rock gets the entire Miami Heat team to attack John Cena. Little did Rock realize that it was in the 4th quarter. LeBron took a shot at Cena but hit Rock!
Rock kicks out at two. The Heat depart after Chris Bosh breaks a nail. Then the Rock gets the Miami football team to attack Cena.
Strippers and a lot of illegal hits are what John Cena has in store for 15 minutes. Then Rock decides to finish him off with another People's Elbow.
He's about to pin Cena when Cena grabs his leg and puts him in the STF. Rock taps out after 5 seconds.
Winner: John Cena
Estimated times John Cena has done this before: 43
Wow! We got ourselves the greatest pay-per-view in WWE history.
Santino Marella was the first ever wrestler to be 3-0 in one pay-per-view. His illustrious victories: Money in the Bank, Undertaker's Streak, and CM Punk's WWE Champion.
Fan interest on the next Raw will be on how Santino will actually react to ending the Undertaker's streak AND winning the WWE Championship.
Sheamus vs. Hornswoggle and Cody Rhodes vs. Randy Orton were match of the year candidates. Shaq vs. Big Show and Mark Henry vs. Great Khali were match of the century candidates.
But the greatest match ever in this event was the epic Divas tag match!
Thanks for reading!