10 Pro Golfers We Could Probably Beat

Mike LynchContributor IIIJanuary 17, 2012

10 Pro Golfers We Could Probably Beat

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    Millions of people play the lovely sport of golf.  Excluding those who are not capable of getting a ball airborne, we've all had those perfect moments.  We envision a shot and execute it right on point.  

    Naturally, the mind wanders and starts imagining if every shot were played that well: "Hey, I could beat anyone on tour if I can do that every time!"

    In a way, that's not an outrageous thought.  

    If you could play the shot you envisioned every time, you would make a nice living on the PGA Tour.  However, since no one except Ben Hogan has even come close to being able to truly control the golf swing, it's not gonna happen.

    There is still hope for us mortals.  

    What follows is a strategy to beat 10 notable professional golfers.  We will not be shooting the lower number, but there is more than one way to victory.  Given the right circumstances, it should be relatively easy to get them to quit before the 18th green.  

    Any score you post beats a withdrawn player.

    Golf is not a contact sport, so blatant actions in attempt to injure are not acceptable.  This is largely psychological warfare.  Your score is irrelevant; all focus must be on your opponent and preventing him or her from completing the match.

John Daly

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    This one is pretty easy.  Pick a course that has a 350-yard carry over a body of water.  Arrive with a fully-stocked cooler of refreshing beverages.  

    Since Daly has had his problems, I cannot condone having him drink until he passes out.  However, a few social beers should loosen him up and have him ready to show off.

    Daly, feeling confident and in an attempt to impress you, will try that 350-yard shot over the water.  After the first two fail to carry the water, Daly goes into Tin Cup mode.  However, he simply cannot make the shot and runs out of golf balls.  

    Congratulations, you have just defeated a two-time major champion.

Tiger Woods

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    Defeating Tiger Woods actually should not be much of a problem.  However, it will require more preparation ahead of time and greater financial resources.

    The course you play will have a special staff that morning.  Nearly every employee, from the caddies to the marshals and the groundskeepers, has been replaced for one day only.  The course will instead be staffed entirely by women linked to Tiger Woods during his scandal.

    It is imperative that Tiger not know that something is fishy until he has arrived on the tee box with you.  So, the starter must not be a mistress.  Make sure the two caddies he knows so well arrive late.  

    At this point, he can leave and you have the win, but extending the show will be good for a few laughs.

    Act as if the two caddies had sneaked onto the property.  Have them removed by an actual marshal, who will also inform you that two real caddies are waiting at the second tee along with a personal marshal to keep unwanted people away.

    On the second tee, the caddies are two more of his mistresses.  The personal marshal turns out to be a mistress, and even the beer girl is a mistress.  

    By the time you ask Tiger if he wants a cold one, he will have quit.

Tommy Gainey

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    Tommy Gainey probably has the worst-looking swing on tour.  He holds the club with a baseball grip and proceeds to make a swing that looks like a cross between a slapshot and chopping wood.  

    He does it at such a quick tempo that it could be mistaken for a spasm.  His lower body actually is pretty textbook during the swing, which is why he is on tour.

    The plan for Gainey is to remove his shoes and gloves.  Make sure the pro shop is closed and that you are not carrying another glove.  You do have an extra pair of golf shoes, however they belong to your "cousin" and are a size 16.

    In all likelihood, Gainey slips during his swing or develops numerous blisters before the 18th, forcing him to call it a day.

Darren Clarke

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    The way to beat Clarke is with a similar strategy to John Daly.  Bring a cooler full of Guinness Draught beer.  Clarke famously consumed a glass of this during his press conference following his win at the 2011 British Open.  

    However, getting Darren off the course requires some outside help.

    Find the best local Irish pub and convince it to hold a Guinness promotional happy hour.  This will coincide with you being at the 9-hole mark of your round.  Have a fellow golfer casually mention the event going on after you walk off the the ninth green.

    Guinness is only properly served on tap.  While Clarke has had a couple bottles of his favorite beer, it doesn't quite hit the spot.  He will be craving a Guinness draft when he is suddenly informed of the pub nearby.  

    Chances are that he decides that nine holes are enough for the day and heads over to the pub.

Anthony Kim

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    Very simple strategy here.  

    Anthony Kim was labeled as a party boy early in his career.  Set up an early tee time at a course in the metro New York City area so that Kim can have a night out in the city.  Hope that he has a very good time and stays out until last call.

    There is a good possibility that Kim will not be feeling so great in the morning.  He also likely will be on zero hours of sleep.  

    Expect him to hit a few awful shots that make you look good.  The combination of a headache and lack of sleep will have Anthony heading for the clubhouse early in the round.

Dustin Johnson

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    Have LPGA starlet Natalie Gulbis make an appearance during your match.  Johnson will sprint off the golf course straight to his car, knocking people out of the way if needed.  Trails of burnt rubber will be left in the course parking lot.

    Gulbis declared the two to be dating during the 2011 Sony Open.  Johnson withdrew from the tournament, denied the relationship existed and reconciled with his former girlfriend.  

    I don't think he will hesitate to take off from a match with you if Gulbis is present.  

Kevin Na

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    Kevin Na had two embarrassing incidents occur in 2011.  He scored a 16 on a single hole at the Valero Texas Open.  It was the worst score on a par-four in tour history.  

    At Justin Timberlake's tournament in Las Vegas, he whiffed a driver, missing the ball completely.  Na claimed to have intentionally missed the ball because he intended to stop his swing and this was the only way he could avoid hitting the ball. He was not penalized.

    Na's explanation would not fly in a Sunday match at the local course.   Nor would his incredibly slow play.  Play on a course where they are strict with pace of play, and Na will get tossed.

Fred Couples

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    Fred Couples suffers from a chronically bad back.  While he has received a new treatment in Germany that has improved his condition, he is far from healthy.  He still walks and moves like he has a board in his back.

    Take away the option of a caddie, golf cart or even a pull cart.  Starting out with a golf cart that is almost out of gas is a good way to do this.  The only way for Couples to play is to carry the golf bag.  

    He would be hard-pressed to make 18 holes with that type of stress on his back.  

Phil Mickelson

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    Play Phil Mickelson at Winged Foot, where he famously collapsed on the 18th hole in the 2006 U.S. Open.  He only needed a par to win but recorded a double bogey, losing to Geoff Ogilvy by one stroke.

    Had Mickelson won that tournament, it would have been his third straight major victory.  He would have entered the British Open looking to duplicate the "Tiger Slam" as well as a career grand slam.

    While Mickelson is a Hall of Fame golfer anyway, he had a chance to vault himself to a much higher level of greatness.  He gave it away on that 18th hole in 2006.  

    I think he would most likely call it a day against you after the 17th green.

Rickie Fowler

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    Play Rickie Fowler at a stereotypical, conservative country club like the one in Caddyshack.  Make sure he wears his all-orange outfit.  

    I do not think the Judge Smails of the club will be impressed by someone dressed like an orange Popsicle.

    Fowler gets the boot from Judge Smails before the ninth hole.  No one is allowed to dress in that manner and disrespect his club.  So Rickie gets a DQ, and you take home another win over a PGA Tour player.

    A final disclaimer: Please do not actually try any of the methods I suggested or take this slide show seriously.  

    If you are good enough to probably beat these guys, I'll assume you are on the PGA or European tour.