Notes from a Fangirl: John Cena Is a Virginal Horror Movie Heroine; He Wont Die

Double A .Correspondent IIJanuary 7, 2012


I have not had much time to really soak in RAW and Smackdown and from what I have read and watched, it seems a little lackluster as of late.  A fan, complaining, what else is new? 

To be honest, these days, between diapers, bottles, work, cleaning, driving, etc I am lucky if I remember to put my underwear on correctly or my shirt right-side out.

Nevertheless, I was asked what my thoughts were on Kane's new storyline and hobby of tormenting John Cena, so away we go:

I'm a bit of a chicken, scared of my own shadow, spiders, strangers, geese, Ferris wheels, etc.  I don't do horror movies for the most part because I feel that the world is a scary enough place, with enough real life axe wielding, chainsaw having, super freaks with mommy issues running around that watching one on the big screen is not enjoyable for me. 

However, occasionally I lose a bet or my mind, and find myself seated in front of the big screen, scared out of my mind, wondering why a kid stumbled upon a box of old fuzzy potato chips in a creepy old house...wait...not potato chips...eyelids...eeek! Thanks "Haunting in Connecticut."  No more Lay's for me.

Anyways, John Cena being victimized, again, reminded me of the heroine in the Scream saga, Sydney Prescott; he just won't die.  It does not seem to matter what is thrown his way, who is thrown his way....he always lives to fight another day and always comes back for more, much like Sydney. 

I'm sorry, if my mom was murdered, then most of my friends, and I was almost turned into Swiss cheese all by my creepy horror movie-obsessed boyfriend only to survive and have my college buddy secretly team up with my dead ex-killer boyfriend's mom to try and kill me again, then I miraculously survive just to find out  a guy I thought was dead is my long-lost brother who was the one to convince my dead ex-killer boyfriend to kill my mom, because she rejected him, and then me, is alive not dead, like we all thought, and killing more people and tries to kill me and take my "fame" ::deep breath:: My booty would not be caught anywhere near Woodsboro for the anniversary of the first murders, I wouldn't do a book tour talking about the murders and I probably would never answer my telephone again, but that's just me. 

If you haven't seen Scream 4 yet and plan on doing so, skip the next paragraph.

 ***Spoiler Alert***She DOES go back home as part of a book tour for the anniversary of all the murders and it is her younger cousin this time killing the teens of Woodsboro High and attempting to kill Sydney because she wants her life*** 

I was left saying "Wha?" at the end of the movie and I am left saying that now when it comes to Kane and John Cena. 

This seems like a badly slapped together science project done the night before it was due and I am finding Cena being tormented, again, about as interesting as paint drying.  

John Cena being picked on because someone thinks his boy scout image is a lie... gee, where have I seen this before? 2010 called, it wants it's storyline back.  It did not really work for me then and this definitely does not work for me now. 

If this is supposed to be leading to a supposed heel turn for Cena.... is risky business in and of itself without adding a confusing sub-plot involving Kane.

John Cena, to quote a good friend of mine, can only be held down by "A neck injury and Jesus."  One time I tried using 10 different shoes, hairspray, a broom and my Swiffer to kill a spider in my room.  It ended up being Spider 13, Ashley 0. 

I couldn't kill the spider, Ghostface could not kill Sydney, and Kane isn't going to get the best of John Cena.

Final thought: I've seen this movie and the sequel; no thanks.