Dear Mark Attanasio, Run Your Team Like a Mob Family

Rock HardersContributor IJanuary 2, 2009

I was watching the Godfather yesterday and it got me thinking. You gotta start treating your team like it's a mob family.  Now, even though Sabathia and Sheets won't be with us, we could still give those "Yankee Wannabes" (Cubs) a run to the mattresses.

First of all, here's a few things you should do.  Trade Weeks and Hall for some decent hot dog vendors. Or better yet, pay them to become hot dog vendors on the upper deck.  This is a good way of teaching them that they have to be "good earners."  These guys are like the Fredo and Carlo of the Brewers...Worthless.  I know Weeks and Hall are probably smart guys, but they got "overlooked."

Then, tell your "consigliere" (Doug Melvin) to put Escobar at secpnd and Gamel at third.  These kids can be strong contributors to you.

Next, go after a really good starting pitcher, like Jake Peavy. Give the Padres an offer they can't refuse.  If you can pull this off, you could make a run at the other five families from the NL Central division and they will fear you.  Now you'll have Peavy, Gallardo, and Parra for descent starting pitching. 

Since you won't get any takers on Suppan, give him that ol' Sicilian message that his arm sleeps with the fishes.  McClung and Bush would fill out the starting rotation. The bullpen needs help, but you could always have them sitting at a round table, talking to them about baseball and sunny days while waving a Louisville Slugger around.

Offensively, we should be able to compete for the division title.  Defensively, I don't think it's that bad.  If they get worse, have Clemenza and Tessio (Macha and Randolph) handle it.

Also, give your players some nicknames like Prince "Bag of Donuts" Fielder or Ryan "Johnny Eyeballs" Braun.  This brings character to your Family.

Well, good luck I hope everything works out for ya.  I gotta go my wife is telling me not to forget to pick up the cannoli.