Al Davis Signs Satan As Oakland Raiders' General Manager

Simon BirminghamContributor IJanuary 2, 2009

RRRRRRiiinnggggggg, RRRRRRRiiiiinnggggg, RRRRRRiiiNNGGGGG

"Hello, Hells Hotline, this is Gladys, how can I direct your call?"

"Hello Gladys, it's Al Davis, I need to speak to Lu, it's urgent"

"Sure Mr. Davis. I will get Mr. Satan on the line for you. Will we be seeing you soon?", she cups the phone and giggles, winking at the little orange and green demon to her left, reorganizing the Da-Do files, "It is a very busy time of the year, but I'm sure we could make you uncomfortable."

This is followed by an excruciating noise that Gladys thought emanated from the very depths of her employer but soon realized it was coming out of the other end of the phone she was on

"HHHHHHHIiiiiiiiiiSSSSSSSSS,HELL NO GLADYS!!!" cough, hack, shiver, "Not until we've won the Big One again" gaaaaasssp

"The Big One Sir??? Do you mean the Super Bowl,sir?", she asks incredulously.

Cough, wheeeeze, toot, "C'mon Gladys, you've seen what I'm doing....of course not, I'm talking about the Kiffin Lawsuit" beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep, flatline, adrenalin injection...buh-beep,buh-beep,buh-beep, "I can't let that lying little punk beat me"

"Mr. Satan is available for you now sir, Good Luck with your misery"

Brief pause while the call is transferred,

"Al, it's Lu, I'm kinda heated over some lost souls here so what can I do for you this time?"

Squirt, cough, wipe, gaaaaasssp, "It's everything Lu, I think I messed it all up this time and I really am kinda confused, but that little punk Kiffin really pissed me off and for now, all I care about is making him pay, what can you do for me?"

An awkward silence follows. After a minute, Satan speaks up

"Weeeelllll, Al, Baby, I'm not inclined to extend your evil credit limit out any further after the Marcus Allen debacle, unless I have a way of monitoring for myself just what is going on over there. I'll tell you what, if there is something you can offer to assure me I will get my evils worth, I would consider it" he has a small smirk on his lips as he already owns everything Al has

"Have you ever considered running an NFL franchise? It's easy and you would do better than I have been lately!!" Hiiiissss, wheeeeze, mooooaaan

"How much compensation and how long is the deal for? I don't come cheap."

"Well, you have my soul already, so how about a couple of my office employees and a chance to corrupt the Raiderettes for a two-year contract, with a shot at some extra fan souls if we make the playoffs?"

"Sounds Good Al, I will drop by the facility later, have your lawyers draw up the contract and we will get ready to burn, in the mean time, should I just do the usual boils and herpes on Lane or do you want a little extra for this one?"

"Give him the works Lu, give him the whole package,heheheheheh!!!" invigorated now with the energy of a teenager, "I knew I could count on you in the clutch."

"Always there for ya, Al-Pal, can't wait until we partner up for good, HAHAHAHAHAHAAHA. Talk to ya soon, Al"

"Thanks again Lu, tell ya mutha I said Happy New Yeaah!!!"