Forecasting the Big 12: Predictions, Booze Comparisons and a Twitter Synopsis

Are you interested in talking about defense? Interested in knowing which teams will be terrorizing offensive lines and have linebacking corps that make other schools cringe? If you answered “yes” to either of these, well, you’ve entered the wrong football portal.

It’s time to talk about the “please don’t bet the under” conference in college football, the Big 12.

OK, so some defense will be played. Texas should actually be very good on that side of the ball, while others will hold their own when it comes to denying end zone access. As a whole, however, you can expect points, lots and lots of points, and very active scoreboards despite significant departures.

Robert Griffin III, Brandon Weeden, Justin Blackmon and Ryan Broyles—a handful of the best offensive talents in the country—are gone. There are openings to fill, opportunities to grab and much to be decided. There are also two new teams to be analyzed, one of which just scored a touchdown while you were reading through those first few paragraphs.

Just like we did with the SEC and the Big Ten, each Big 12 team has been given a predicted record, strength and weakness and been compared to an alcohol that summarizes its 2012 team. Each school has also been assessed in Twitter form (140 characters or less), because saying a lot without saying much is more challenging than it looks.

Baylor

Predicted Record: 6-6

Toughest Game: November 10 at Oklahoma

Don’t Sleep On 'Em Game: October 27 at Iowa State (week after Texas and a strange place to play)

Biggest Strength: Secondary (surprisingly experienced and deep)

Biggest Weakness: Front seven (need to get more pressure to take heat off secondary)

Breakout Player: Lache Seastrunk, RB (remember him?)

If They Were an Alcohol They’d Be… Sake. You don’t love it, but oh does it hit the spot on occasions. It’s truly a wild-card alcohol because your tolerance threshold is somewhere between one and one too many.

Season Synopsis in 140 Characters or Less: You lose a Heisman winner, and you’re going to have a drop-off. Should still be a fun team to watch, though.

Iowa State

Predicted Record: 4-8

Toughest Game: November 10 at Texas (a week after Oklahoma)

Don’t Sleep On 'Em Game: September 1 vs. Tulsa

Biggest Strength: Running back (passing attack has been abysmal; it will have to be good again)

Biggest Weakness: Wide receiver

Breakout Player: A.J. Klein, LB

If They Were an Alcohol They’d Be… Beefeater. You’ve had it comfortably over a meal and been surprised at its ability to perform. You’ve also spent your entire Sunday saying “#$%^ing Beefeater” while a marching band played in your head.

Season Synopsis in 140 Characters or Less: This is not the conference to struggle on offense. Love me some Paul Rhoads, but 2012 could be tough. Still, though. #IAmSoProud

Kansas

Predicted Record: 2-10

Toughest Game: December 1 at West Virginia

Don’t Sleep On 'Em Game: Psssst…EVERYBODY.

Biggest Strength: Fast-break execution…move along

Biggest Weakness: [Spins wheel. It lands on defensive line.] Sure, that.

Breakout Player: Tony Pierson, RB (gets his shot with James Sims’ suspension)

If They Were an Alcohol They’d Be… Everclear. It gets past the back of your throat and you think the worst is over. Then, shortly after, it feels like you’ve swallowed flaming battery acid instead. Oh God, call help, or at the very least give me that beer to wash this down.

Season Synopsis in 140 Characters or Less: The good news is that Kansas will (probably) start 2-0. The bad news is there are more games to be played after that.

Kansas State

Predicted Record: 9-3

Toughest Game: September 22 at Oklahoma

Don’t Sleep On 'Em Game: November 17 at Baylor

Biggest Strength: Quarterback (they have an absolute beast back there)

Biggest Weakness: Defensive line

Breakout Player: Chris Harper, WR

If They Were an Alcohol They’d Be… Guinness. Strong, dependable and excellent for a night out. There may be better beers out there, but you’re very comfortable knowing this is in your glass.

Season Synopsis in 140 Characters or Less: Bill Snyder nearly lost to Eastern Kentucky in the opener, then ripped off a tremendous year. Unpredictable, but having that QB helps.

Oklahoma

Predicted Record: 11-1

Toughest Game: November 17 at West Virginia

Don’t Sleep On 'Em Game: October 6 at Texas Tech (cough, cough, last year, cough, cough)

Biggest Strength: Secondary

Biggest Weakness: Offensive line (injuries have been brutal)

Breakout Player: Trey Metoyer, WR (young pup is electric and will have chances)

If They Were an Alcohol They’d Be… Four Loko. It’s all fun and games until that one time your heart may have stopped beating briefly and you woke up on the roof of an abandoned building. Powerful as hell and results may vary.

Season Synopsis in 140 Characters or Less: Landry Jones. Landry Jones. Landry Jones. I’m not sure what that means, but that about sums it up.

Oklahoma State

Predicted Record: 9-3

Toughest Game: November 24 at Oklahoma

Don’t Sleep On 'Em Game: September 8 at Arizona (new QB, strange road trip and facing a new offense)

Biggest Strength: Running back

Biggest Weakness: Defensive line

Breakout Player: Wes Lunt, QB (he’s going to be good; it’s just a matter of when)

If They Were an Alcohol They’d Be… Cheap champagne. The celebration of a larger event with an economical bottle of bubbly can be surprisingly tasty. Sure, you’ll feel it in the morning, but only after you’ve said, “hey, that’s not bad,” as you down a bottle or four.

Season Synopsis in 140 Characters or Less: Interesting team starting a frosh, yet somehow it might work better than expected. It won’t be 2011, but 9 wins would be an accomplishment.

TCU

Predicted Record: 7-5

Toughest Game: November 3 at West Virginia

Don’t Sleep On 'Em Game: October 13 at Baylor

Biggest Strength: Quarterback

Biggest Weakness: Depth on defense (graduation and dismissals have made linebackers and DBs incredibly thin)

Breakout Player: David Johnson, DT

If They Were an Alcohol They’d Be… Corona. There’s nothing wrong with a Corona every now and then, although the frat bros around the country have seemingly ruined it for everyone else. It's not bad, but low on the similar beer totem pole.

Season Synopsis in 140 Characters or Less: A substantial step up in class that will come with bumps and bruises. They won't be a one- or two-loss team in year one, but very live.

Texas

Predicted Record: 9-3

Toughest Game: October 13 vs. Oklahoma

Don’t Sleep On 'Em Game: November 24 vs. TCU

Biggest Strength: Running back

Biggest Weakness: Quarterback (the missing piece)

Breakout Player: Johnathan Gray, RB (loaded back there, but he will make an immediate impact)

If They Were an Alcohol They’d Be… Absolut Vodka. You’ve seen the commercials, recognize the ads and know the brand better than any other vodka. You hardly drink it now, though. You gave it up immediately after leaving college.

Season Synopsis in 140 Characters or Less: It’s simple. The defense is great, and the running backs are exceptional. Can they protect the passer, and can the passer be productive?

Texas Tech

Predicted Record: 5-7

Toughest Game: October 27 at Kansas State

Don’t Sleep On 'Em Game: September 29 at Iowa State

Biggest Strength: Quarterback (surprise, surprise in this offense)

Biggest Weakness: Defense. Pretty much the whole damn thing.

Breakout Player: Jace Amaro, TE

If They Were an Alcohol They’d Be… A cheap, dirty martini. It was a special, so you ordered it. You’re disappointed in it (rough indeed), and you’re not surprised. Now you’re trying to hold a conversation with a coworker while drinking it at the same time, and it is not going well.

Season Synopsis in 140 Characters or Less: Will start 3-0, and after the cupcakes it gets interesting. Offense should steal a few, but it won't be enough. Outmatched.

West Virginia

Predicted Record: 9-3

Toughest Game: November 17 vs. Oklahoma (oh, the couches that will burn this day)

Don’t Sleep On 'Em Game: October 13 at Texas Tech (a week after Texas, and we’ll set the over/under at 1,856)

Biggest Strength: Quarterback

Biggest Weakness: The front seven (Bruce Irvin is gone, and they’re moving to a 3-4)

Breakout Player: Darwin Cook, SS

If They Were an Alcohol They’d Be… Moonshine, of course. It comes without a label, it can start a fire and it can probably get you secondhand drunk just by standing around someone consuming it. Deadly and incredibly unpredictable.

Season Synopsis in 140 Characters or Less: Catch them if you can.