College Football Predictions: Michigan State, LSU and...Disney?

Derek HornerAnalyst IIOctober 17, 2011

College Football Predictions: Michigan State, LSU and...Disney?

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    College Football's BCS Rankings are out and controversy has ensued.  

    In honor of ESPN and ABC releasing Week 8 of the 2011 season's BCS Standings, we bring you predictions themed after ESPN and ABC's parent company–Disney.

    Will we see any pretenders this week?  Can Michigan State stop Wisconsin?  Will Georgia Tech fall, again?  Who will take home the Jeweled Shillelagh–Notre Dame or USC?  What Disney movies will we select?  Hell...What does Disney have to do with football, and why do they own ESPN?

    If you wish upon a star, maybe your team will win this week.

Princess & the Frog: Memphis vs. Tulane

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    To warmup with this week's picks, we look at two programs that are playing about as poorly as it gets. 

    While Tulane has struggled since it lost it's last great player, Shaun King, Memphis seems to have kissed the Green Wave much the same way Tiana kissed her frog.

    After losing Deangelo Williams and without much support from the administration, Memphis has fallen from the top eschelon of C-USA to the absolute bottom of the NCAA.  Like Tiana and Prince Naveen, nobody knows, or cares, that the both programs are together in the swamp on Saturday.  It'll take a little voodoo magic for either of these teams to do something that matters this season.

    As Mama Odie says, however, "It's not what you want, but it's what you need!" 

    Well, Tulane needs to keep people out of the end zone with a little more ground game to go with its passing attack, while Memphis needs...Well, Memphis needs everything from a new coach to another bowl subdivision opponent.

    The jazz will be playing in New Orleans, tonight, as Tulane walks away from this one with a victory against a Memphis Tigers team that won't find any voodoo to save them.  Ribbit!

    Memphis 10, Tulane 49

Lilo & Stitch: Jacksonville State vs. Kentucky

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    Lilo & Stitch is about a tiny monster who doesn't amount to much on Earth but likes to destroy things that are smaller than him, all the while Lilo tries to teach him how to coexist.

    While the SEC attempts to teach Kentucky how to compete with the big boys, it just can't grasp the concept, so it has to destroy the small things it's actually able to destroy–enter Jacksonville State. 

    While Kentucky plays the part of Stitch, Jacksonville State may actually play the part of something that actually bites back, though doubtful it'll knock off it's SEC opponent.

    With a little soapbox moment, it should be added that any school who plays a Football Subdivision program should be penalized with a loss, automatically, whether it wins the contest or not.  And, to play a Football Subdivision program this late in the season is outrageous.  There are plenty of bad Division I teams that could be scheduled to fill the same position in the schedule.

    Unfortunately, Stitch continues his path of destruction as Kentucky defeats Jacksonville State in a nail-biter.

    Jacksonville State 31, Kentucky 35

Lion King: No.20 Auburn vs. NO. 1 LSU

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    Will the King be knocked off his perch by Scar, the envious uncle?  While neither team is a Lion, but actually Tigers, they're ferocious, man-eating cats which are similar enough to make me run faster than the guy next to me.

    LSU edged Alabama out of the top spot of the BCS standings, but Auburn sits in wait of its division foe with a treacherous plan.  Auburn is certainly the scrawny uncle that hasn't performed at the level of LSU's kingly season, but look for Auburn to pull the upset. 

    Why?  Because you never know in the SEC, especially among division rivals fighting for the throne.

    While the two cats fight for the crown on Saturday, look for Auburn to take down an LSU program that is exhausted from constantly defending its kingdom.

    No. 20 Auburn 27, No. 1 LSU 24

Sleeping Beauty: No. 25 Washington vs. No. 8 Stanford

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    The story of Sleeping Beauty begins with a witch that's poisoned the princess with an apple, putting her under a spell that can only be broken by the kiss of a prince.  Washington was all but destroyed by Tyrone Willingham, but along came Steve Sarkisian who brought this apple state university back from its slumber.

    On Saturday, Washington enters the home of the Stanford Cardinal hoping to chop down the tree with the ax of the prince.  Will Washington be able to upset the Pac-12 favorite?

    While both programs are putting up significant numbers against their opponents, only one has a defense capable of winning in Palo Alto–Stanford. 

    The sole difference in the game will be Stanford's defense, which will stifle Washington enough for the Cardinal to outscore the Huskies.  Sleeping Beauty will see no victory on Saturday.

    Washington 38, Stanford 44

Monsters, Inc.: No. 22 Georgia Tech vs. Miami

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    Sully and Mike are monsters in Monsters, Inc. who carry their lunch pails to work and put on their hardhats to accomplish their blue-collar jobs.  In the midst of their jobs, we see there's much more to them than just playing "monster."  On the other hand, they must fight their co-workers who are superficial and less sensitive than Mike and Sully, only paid to scare but nothing more. 

    Welcome to Saturday's Georgia Tech vs. Miami contest.

    Georgia Tech has a blue-collar offense that pounds the ball unmercifully, scaring most of its opponents with its unique blocking scheme.  Miami, on the other hand, is a program paid by boosters to have a lot of attitude, but hasn't achieved much over the last decade except talking a big game in an attempt to intimidate.

    While Virginia was able to upset the Yellow Jackets, last week, don't expect Miami to do the same.  Georgia Tech regains its magic while the ramblin' wreck rolls to victory.

    Georgia Tech 35, Miami 17

Bolt: No. 6 Wisconsin vs. No. 16 Michigan State

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    While technically a Pixar film, Pixar is owned by Disney like, ohhhh...ABC and ESPN, so by the transitive property Bolt is a Disney film.  In Bolt, a superhero dog is forced confront the fact that he's not really a superhero, but merely an ordinary dog like all other dogs.

    Yes, Michigan State beat a ranked Michigan team, but Michigan is the most overrated program in the nation. 

    Michigan has a quarterback who can't throw, and an offensive line with enough holes for Alice to fall down and find Wonderland, once more.  The only way they beat Notre Dame was a five turnover effort by the Irish and the inability of Notre Dame to guard the jump ball, despite double coverage.

    Now, returning to Michigan State, the Spartans barely beat a bad Michigan team, barely beat a bad Ohio State team and were blown out by the Irish.  Wisconsin is exponentially better than any of those teams.

    It's time for Bolt to realize it's not as good as it thinks it is.  On Saturday, Michigan State will have to relegate itself to the fact that it'll be playing in a mediocre bowl after the demolition in East Lansing. 

    William Gholston won't have to punch any of the Badgers' lineman for pulling him to the ground by his facemask, because they'll be pancaking him legally and often. 

    Watch out, Spartans, because the most balanced offense in the country, like reality, is about to smack you in the face.

    No. 6 Wisconsin 56, No. 16 Michigan State 16

The Magic Kingdom: USC vs. Notre Dame

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    While it's not a Disney movie, the Magic Kingdom is the epitome of Disney–the center of the magical world created by Walt, himself. 

    Notre Dame's campus is the Magic Kingdom of college football, with brilliantly green grass, as many sites as Disney World, and a fight song as familiar as "When You Wish Upon a Star."  Additionally, no other fan base is as nice and welcoming as the Irish fanbase, even to its fiercest opponents.  It's like visiting Disney, but not...

    Saturday presents one of the nation's greatest rivalries, though with less fanfare than usual.  For the Irish, it means the opportunity to break into the Top 25 and overcome one of its toughest obstacles in its attempt to achieve a 10 win season.

    For USC, this game is a chance to show the Irish that last year's victory over the Trojans was a fluke.  Additionally, it's an opportunity to build momentum with a young and injured team as it returns to Pac-12 play. 

    Unfortunately, USC has too many flaws to win on Saturday. 

    The offensive line is atrocious, the running game is literally hurting, and the defense is un-Kiffin-like.  USC's pass defense is among the worst in the nation, and the Irish offense ranks 9th. 

    If the Irish don't beat the Trojans through the air, they'll beat them on the ground as they did in 2010.  Either way, this will be a lopsided victory in favor of Notre Dame.

    USC 24, Notre Dame 42