I have never actually seen Sixteen Candles or The Notebook, but my girlfriend tells me they are a sort of holy writ for college football fans. Is she lying?
Am I lying? Of course I have seen The Notebook. And I agree it was handed down directly to Ryan Gosling by God of College Football and Thunder, hear his cry.
As far as Sixteen Candles goes, I have not seen it but am willing to buy that it is the older testament of the two, starring John Cusack as Cam Newton, don't ya think?
Go watch both before watching No. 4 LSU take on No. 3 Oregon this Saturday at 8 p.m. ET. You might learn a thing or two. About drama and about doing nice things for your girlfriend like watching The Notebook with her. I watched it by myself.
Of the nearly 16 scandals this summer, LSU vs. Oregon is a good place to start. Starting LSU quarterback Jordan Jefferson and linebacker Josh Johns have been suspended as a result of an ongoing investigation of a bar fight in Baton Rouge.
Note: bar fight is a huge understatement. Jefferson, Johns and two other LSU players allegedly threw a man from his car (because he was honking at them because they had double-parked him) and then beat the crud out of a U.S. Marine who tried to defend him.
Back in the day, this would constitute a big deal. And then Cam Newton had to go demand $200K for committing to Mississippi State. What a jerk. Now we barely raise an eyebrow when starting quarterbacks for No. 4 ranked teams receive good old-fashioned indefinite suspensions for brutally assaulting U.S. Marines.
But Newton is only the beginning of our inevitable desensitization. By the way, he went on to become to the first overall NFL draft pick, signing for $22M in guarantees with the Panthers. So much for stigma.
Our next example is Jim Tressel, who resigned after 10 years at Ohio State, during which he went to three national championships, won one, and went 14-0 for the first time by any college team since 1897.
Tressel turned a blind eye to players receiving improper benefits, denied it, and was then caught red-handed.
One of his players was Terrelle Pryor, who has opted out of his senior year because of an impending suspension for selling $40K worth of autographs. Pyror was just drafted by the scariest gremlin that ever owned a professional football team.
Pryor coincidentally scored a 7 out of 50 on his Wonderlic Cognitive Ability Test, although I just found out that Vince Young scored only a 6 and Dan Marino a 16. Make of it what you will. The bottom line is you can score at least a 30 if you have seen The Notebook and have never kicked a U.S. Marine in the face.
*Update: Tressel has been hired as game-day consultant for the Indianapolis Colts.
The hardest scandal for me to make fun of is the nastiest and most recent. And by hard, I mean emotionally taxing, not challenging. And by nastiest, I mean nastiest.
Miami booster Nevin Shapiro, now serving a 20-year sentence for a $930M Ponzi scheme, has effectively taken "The U," college football's most iconic empire, down with him. Like WAY down. Like SMU down.
From 2002 to 2010, Shapiro gave millions of dollars to Miami players, including Andre Johnson, Devin Hester, and other now NFL studs.
If you are too ashamed to read the whole investigation, which I highly recommend if you are at all curious about what goes on behind the scenes, at least face this fact: "a sustained eight-year run of improper benefits included, but was not limited to cash, prostitutes, entertainment in his multimillion-dollar homes and yacht, paid trips to high-end restaurants and nightclubs, jewelry, bounties for on-field play (including bounties for injuring opposing players), travel and, on one occasion, an abortion."
Embarrassing for me, Miami, and every other college football fan out there. Especially my friend whose life and alma-mater is Miami. His most recent Facebook status: "Well, this sucks."
I agree, Facebook friend whose profound words will remain anonymous.
But life goes on, as does football. Just ask Cam Newton, Terrelle Pryor or Mike Vick(!). Had you forgotten about him?
Whether it's because sports fans (a) are noble and forgiving, (b) don't care as long as they're entertained or (c) realize that everyone's moral compass teeters but that only celebrities get caught, football will survive anything and everything, and I will neglect anything and everyone to watch football.
These are the facts. Welcome to the greatest, guiltiest sport on earth!
I promise these articles will be much less scornful in the future and focus on games like LSU vs. Oregon, which will essentially eliminate one or the other from the national championship race.
There's also No. 5 Boise State at No. 19 Georgia on Saturday (8 p.m. ET), which is one of Boise's two chances to beat a ranked opponent all season, and an SEC one at that. Oh yeah, and Arkansas is favored by 42.5 over Missouri State, so that should be fun.
On second thought, this won't suck after all. Enjoy this weekend!
(Tribute to Oregon players with LSU tempers with deceptively French first names who now start in the NFL...you know who you are.)
Originally published at www.Thuuz.com.