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South Carolina Football: Why the Gamecocks Are Better Than Your Team, SEC Fans

Alex RobertsCorrespondent IAugust 12, 2011

South Carolina Football: Why the Gamecocks Are Better Than Your Team, SEC Fans

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    I want to begin by saying this is partially tongue in cheek, and I mean no disrespect.  South Carolina could go 14-0 and win the national championship, or it could go 8-4 and lose the East to Georgia or Florida. 

    Consider this a roast; a respectful tongue-in-cheek pimp slap to a league that I love and root for. 

    There are reasons to believe that South Carolina could be the best team in the entire SEC. 

    So without further ado, here is why South Carolina is better than your team. 

Vanderbilt Commodores

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    This one's easy.

    South Carolina is better than you because you suck.

    Next.

Kentucky Wildcats

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    I can't say that you suck, because you came back to beat the Gamecocks last year. 

    Who am I fooling?

    You suck. 

    Next. 

Tennessee Volunteers

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    OK, so now I have to get serious.  Tennessee doesn't suck. 

    However, South Carolina is better than you because you have the most overrated quarterback in the SEC, an offensive line that will look like a turnstile for the powerful South Carolina defensive line and beyond Bray, zero weapons that scare anyone. 

    So while you don't suck, it's pretty close.

    If it makes you feel any better, you could win seven games...in 2012.

Florida Gators

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    Now we get interesting.

    I have a great deal of respect for the Gators. Florida is one of the only SEC East teams I don't hate, along with Vandy (because seriously, who hates Vandy...the Commodores are like the Rudy of the SEC, without the happy ending). 

    However, "ya gots some problems."

    A totally new scheme, new coaches, new players and a quarterback who looked buggier than a bag full of cockroaches. 

    You will be a threat again soon, but barring a miracle, I can't see it this year, and I am TRYING. 

Georgia Bulldogs

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    Ah, the Bulldogs.  The school that apparently South Carolina needs to get past to earn a second consecutive birth in the SEC title game. 

    A couple of reasons South Carolina is better than you. 

    Aaron Murray can't throw, catch and run by himself.  He is a star, but come on.

    You are completely relying on a freshman runner. Yeah I know, South Carolina did last year, but Isaiah Crowell isn't Marcus Lattimore.  Let's just make that clear.  Argue all you want, but he won't be a Heisman competitor his second year. 

    He will be a good to great player, but he won't be the star Lattimore has become.

    You also need an offensive line to run, which you don't have. 

    I wouldn't be shocked if South Carolina puts a pasting on you between the hedges.  Surprised maybe, but not shocked.

Ole Miss Rebels

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    South Carolina is better than you, because you would probably get beaten by Vanderbilt.

    You have an insane coach in Houston Nutt who couldn't beat me in a game of NFL Head Coach on XBOX 360.  You have an underrated running back in Brandon Bolden who you will have to run the treads off to win many (i.e. ANY) games. 

    You have no quality quarterback, no defensive depth and once again, a psychotic and irrational coach. Now, you have a teddy bear as a mascot.

    Even I miss Ol' Colonel Reb.

Mississippi State Bulldogs

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    This one is going to be short.

    South Carolina is better than you because I want to take those damn cowbells, melt them down into a giant cannonball and destroy whatever company makes those annoying scraps of metal.

    Oh, and while talented, there is no telling how you will handle being in the spotlight (same can be said for the Gamecocks, but you don't have the luxury of having Lattimore, Alshon Jeffery, Stephen Garcia and company). 

Auburn Tigers

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    Congrats on your 2010-2011 national championship, and I bow to you for the pasting of South Carolina in the SEC Championship game.

    However, no Cam Newton, no Nick Fairley, ultra high expectations = an eight-win season.  It's just science.

    Sorry guys.  Much respect. South Carolina has the date against you circled, I guarantee that. 

Arkansas Razorbacks

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    Because for God's sake, YOU CAN'T BEAT US EVERY YEAR!!!!

LSU Tigers

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    While talented, you have a quarterback who is flakier than the one wearing No. 5 in garnet and black, and if I were an LSU fan, I would not want the Bayou Gambler calling the plays with the game on the line. 

    While he is a great coach, he is super crazy.  I know he won the BCS Championship in 2008, but he still scares me. 

Alabama Crimson Tide

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    South Carolina is better than you because they are in your head. Last year's win was no fluke. As any Alabama fan that saw the game can attest to, South Carolina dominated the game. 

    South Carolina is much improved on both sides of the ball, while it is uncertain how Alabama will handle the losses of some very solid players. 

    While Nick Saban is the only coach other than Spurrier in the SEC I would want on my sideline (which pains me to say as a Miami Dolphins fan), you can't discredit a psychological advantage. 

    Plus, come on?  Haven't you guys won enough?  It's time for you to give South Carolina a chance, OK?

BONUS SLIDE: Clemson Tigers

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    Wow, where to begin?

    You are awful as a program.  You have hideous colors.  Your coach is a glorified cheerleader in a K-Mart sweater.  You have 27 great linebackers.  What are you going to do with 27 great linebackers???

    Tahj Boyd is the second coming of Willy Korn. 

    Andre Ellington is going to get carried off in a stretcher at some point in the season, and Mike Bellamy is going to buy a jetski with all that cash his "grandmother" gave him and ride off into the sunset.

    Yes, that is an actual picture of Dabo Swinney, head coach.

To Conclude

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    I truly do respect all of the teams in the SEC, and "for reals," I am concerned about a couple of teams.

    Georgia, you scare me.  I have no idea what you will bring to South Carolina.  No clue. You could be the East Champions, or you could fall to fourth.  All I know is Mark Richt is coaching for his job (potentially), and that makes Georgia a team with its back against the wall...in other words, deadly. 

    Florida, you are the ultimate wild card in the SEC.  If you get everything in place, you could win the whole damn thing.  Or you could sit in third and act like a gnat at a barbecue: Annoying as hell, but easy to swat.

    Alabama, I really think you guys will win the West.  The revenge factor from last year could light a fire under you to take South Carolina to the woodshed in the championship. 

    Vanderbilt, no, you really do suck. 

    Oh, and Clemson, I forgot: You should probably clean up some of the cow patties when South Carolina comes to play. 

    It's disrespectful.

    Feel free to follow me on Facebook. 

    http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Alex-Roberts-BR-South-Carolina-Gamecock-Featured-Columnist/159385104138898

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