College Football: Part-Time Summer Jobs for Preseason Top 25 Head Coaches
We all remember those "arduous" summer jobs that we all took on between our school days in Junior High, High School, and college. Not many of them required much of a skill set or qualifications, but were there to pass the time and make a buck or two and go towards the things we truly enjoyed.
While the rest of us will be enjoying the sun, the surf, the greens, and the pool our head coaches will be hard at work this summer mulling over offensive and defensive schemes, game planning, and scouring the country for the nation's best recruits for the 2012 recruiting season.
But.., what if these coaches were able to do something during the summer as a part-time gig? What if they were to do the normal everyday summer jobs that we did as kids, or; maybe even something to a higher degree or calling?
(Watching Charlie Weis flipping burgers or grilling hot dogs at the local burger joint sure would be a sight wouldn't it?)
Some of these will be serious, and others with tongue firmly held in cheek.
(Top 25 rankings taken from Rivals.com available for view here).
25. Texas: Mack Brown
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Mack Brown is more of a spokesman/CEO type leader at Texas. While he does know a bit about the X's and O's of football, more or less he has been the face of Texas football since he arrived back in 1998.
And it is that face and his gleaming public personality that would likely land Mack Brown his most successful summertime gig.
With Regis Philbin now retired, Mack Brown could slide right on in and be Kelly Ripa's partner for "LIVE! with Mack and Kelly".
Be honest with yourself, you throw on enough cake and makeup and Mack Brown could be the spitting image of Regis.
24. West Virginia: Bill Stewart
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Lets face it, there has been many a time when you look over to the West Virginia sideline and head coach Bill Stewart simply looks lost. In over his head.
Since he is so used to being thrown into precarious positions, he seems like a natural fit to be cast for the television show "The Amazing Race".
Instead of play-charts and zone blitzes to be concerned about, we'll see Bill trying to peruse through maps and pass through customs in New Guinea.
And if things go well for Mountaineer fans, he might not ever come back.
23. Missouri: Gary Pinkel
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A little known quirk about Gary Pinkel is that he was teammates with Hall of Fame linebacker Jack Lambert and current Alabama head coach Nick Saban during his playing days at Kent State. He was such good friends with Lambert, that they were actually roommates.
Known for his hard work and attention to detail, we could put his Bachelor of Science degree to work in actually having some summer classes for students that were worthwhile in attending.
Either that, or he takes on the task of being the next spokesperson for Rogaine. Take your pick Gary.
22. Arizona State: Dennis Erickson
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Even with two national championships, six conference championships, and two Sporting News College Football Coach of Year honors, you rarely hear Dennis Erickson's name mentioned among the very best coaches in the college game today.
Therefore, Coach Erickson could easily slide in and steal Rodney Dangerfield's material and perform stand up comedy across the nation with the familiar "No Respect" tag line.
Here is some of the material that Erickson could use.
21. Penn State : Joe Paterno
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This octogenarian has been involved with Penn State football since 1950. He was an assistant coach at Penn State for 16 seasons before landing the head gig in 1966.
No doubt that Paterno has seen a lot. And with the coke bottle glasses it is evident that his eye sight isn't the greatest either.
We've all seen these commercials for the OWL Optical Wallet, right? Coach Paterno as the head spokesperson would give this product instant credibility!
20. Notre Dame : Brian Kelly
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Little known to many, but coach Kelly used to be a softball coach during his days at Assumption College.
Thus, there is little doubt that Kelly could step right in and lead your Beer League team to it's summer softball title. If you're lucky, he might even be a player/manager.
19. Mississippi State : Dan Mullen
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Dan Mullen own's a Master's Degree in Education along with a Bachelor's degree in Exercise and Sport Science. Thus there are a multitude of summer jobs just sitting there begging for Dan Mullen to take over.
Beings that Mullen is still relatively young (39), a nice patrol of the summer beaches in California seems like a gig he'd enjoy quite nicely. Maybe he could take over the stretch that David Hasselhoff once commanded?
18. Arkansas: Bobby Petrino
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Bobby Petrino isn't the most well liked guy around the country, and he has grown a reputation for fibbing a bit to get things to go his way.
Thus, Bobby could be saddled with the toughest of all summer sales jobs, the door to door salesman or Ponzi scheme guy. We all know those people that would sell a bottle of snake oil to their mother if it could make them a buck. I'm thinking that Bobby could do quite well with this summer gig in which he could sell vacuums or steak knifes.
Either way, I doubt that coach Petrino would need a sit down with Blake to get his act together and close some deals.
18. Nebraska : Bo Pelini
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Bo Pelini doesn't lack any emotion. In fact his emotion is brandished upon his sleeve. In his three short years as the head man of the Huskers, some of his outward emotions have caused quite a stir around the Husker nation and across the country as well.
With his anger in need of some focus, Bo Pelini could sit in on some anger management classes and be the lead instructor. After all, the teachers of such self help classes are typically those that once struggled with the problem at hand. Who would have a better knowledge of the struggles it takes to keep one's emotions in check than Bo Pelini?
17. Virginia Tech : Frank Beamer
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As a young kid himself, Frank Beamer encountered a horrific accident when dealing with fire as an eleven year old. That incident has forever left the noticeable scar that we see today on his left cheek and neck that extends into his shoulder area.
Without any doubt, Coach Beamer has a place in his heart for children as he and his wife also co-authored a children's book entitled "Yea, It's Hokie Game Day!".
Thus, it would be of little push that Frank could engage with children again in preaching the dangers of fire and teaching proper fire safety to our nation's youth.
15. TCU: Gary Patterson
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With his natural pep and glowing energy that is about him, Patterson's second calling could be that of a motivational speaker.
Whenever you see an interview or appearance on TV, he is always smiling with a gracious and upbeat attitude.
He may never be a Stuart Smalley, but I'm sure he could get some people fired up.
14. South Carolina : Steve Spurrier
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This is one of the easier one's on the list. One of the reasons that Spurrier accepted the job at South Carolina was due to its proximity to one of the greatest golfing Mecca's in all the world: Myrtle Beach.
Thus, during Spurrier's summer break, not only would he spend time on the golf course but he could do a little 'side' coaching by engaging in some golf clinics while he is in and about town.
(Maybe he could give Tiger some pointers as well as he tries to regain his once dominant form from season's passed?)
13. Wisconsin: Brett Bielema
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A little known fact about Brett Bielema is that he has a tattoo of a "Tiger Hawk" on his left calf that he had done during his playing days at the University Iowa.
While it is a bit ominous that the current man in charge of the Badgers has a tattoo on his body that speaks to the pride and heritage of one of Wisconsin's biggest rivals, it could also speak well towards a summer job that Bielema could grasp with open arms.
On the side, he could "ink" up his own players at a discount rate so they don't have to trade jerseys and bowl game memorabilia.
12. Michigan State: Mark Dantonnio
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On a more serious note, coach Dantonio suffered a mild heart attack this past season after the Spartan's overtime victory of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish.
While Dantonio isn't exactly a spring chicken, he isn't exactly a person that looks like he is knocking on death's door either.
With great spokesman in the sporting world such as Lance Armstrong and Mark Herzlich leading the charge for other human ailments, Coach Dantonio could be a great spokesman regarding overall heart health. With heart disease still leading our country as the overall #1 leading cause of death, maybe Dantonio's own experience could serve as a wake-up call for others around the country as well?
11. Oklahoma State : Mike Gundy
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Likely, coach Gundy will never live down that frightful press conference in which he was looking to stick up for his former #1 quarterback in Bobby Reid.
While he could assist on the country-wide anger management tour with Bo Pelini, there is little doubt that coach Gundy partakes in some tanning bed sessions from time to time.
Thus, it would be a nice slack job that coach could ease into as a tanning bed customer service representative in which one of the benefits of his gig would be free tanning bed sessions throughout the summer. He better be careful though as he doesn't want to end up looking like Magda from "There's Something About Mary".
10. Chris Petersen : Boise State
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Always well spoken and always saying the right things from a public relations standpoint, there is little doubt that coach Petersen would be an excellent politician.
Thus a summer gig in helping out a favorite politician running for re-election or even his choice for the 2012 president seems well within the cards. Heck, maybe he could even throw his hat into the ring?
9. Texas A&M : Mike Sherman
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From some odd reason, I've always pictured Mike Sherman as the swimming coach from the movie "Click".
(Yes, very disturbing and I do apologize.)
8. Florida State : Jimbo Fisher
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With a name like Jimbo Fisher and living in the state of Florida, I find it hard to believe that Jimbo wouldn't be natural fit as an Alligator hunter on the side.
If that didn't work out, I'm sure he would do well as a hunting and fishing guide as well.
7. Oregon: Chip Kelly
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With his uptempo and innovative offense, Chip Kelly has introduce an innovative and quick way to shuffle in plays from the sideline utilizing placards with symbols to quickly communicate the next play at hand.
Utilizing these skills, maybe coach Kelly could be the "sign guy" for the construction crews that we'll all run into this summer when roads across the country will be torn up and frustrating our summer driving experiences.
6. Auburn : Gene Chizik
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From zero to hero.
After guiding the Iowa State Cyclones to a 2-10 record in 2008, coach Chizik was hired by Auburn University to turn around their program after the departure of Tommy Tuberville. It didn't take long for Chizik to garner success, as in his second year at the helm coach Chizik guided the Tigers to a national championship during the 2010 season.
Even with all the controversy swirling around the Auburn program over the past twelve months, Chizik found a way to get his team to the highest peak in all of college football. Thus, it is likely time for some rest and relaxation.
Over the next five months coach Chizik will do little to nothing as sits by the pool in the Governor's mansion sipping on Gin and Tonic's enjoying the lazy days of summer.
5. Ohio State : Jim Tressel
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With the latest scandal surrounding the Ohio State football program and head coach Jim Tressel still in full swing, there is little doubt about the summer gig that the lead man in charge of the Buckeyes could perform.
In an upcoming episode of "Lie to Me", coach Tressel will be starring as a lead character for Dr. Cal Lightman to pull out the truth of Tressel's past indiscretions.
4. LSU : Les Miles
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With the amount of good luck and fortune that has been coming Les Mile's way over the past several seasons, the head man in charge down in Baton Rouge should take his talents to local race track and "Let it Ride".
3. Stanford : David Shaw
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Don't know who David Shaw is? Not many people do. When your starting quarterback is one hundred times more recognizable than your head football coach, you know you are flying a bit under the radar.
Therefore a simple job of anonymity seems rightful for Shaw as he would be mowing lawns on a daily basis from sun up till sun down.
2. Alabama: Nick Saban
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With a long resume that shows he doesn't stick around in one place for very long, the most likely summer job for coach Saban would be as a travel agent.
No doubt he would know the ins and outs of buying and selling homes along with the tricks of the trade in how to move from one city to the next.
He should also be able to help with the general troubles of everyday travel.
1. Oklahoma : Bob Stoops
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Amid all the success that Bob Stoops has had as the Sooners head man in charge, his wife Carol is a successful Mary Kay National Sales Director.
Instead of some normal gigs you might see during the summer, maybe Bob could be his wife's chauffeur as he drags her around in a pink Cadillac limousine from one sales meeting to the next.
It might go a little something like this.
