Auburn War Eagle: A Truly Defeathered Program

Alex FergusonSenior Analyst IIMarch 26, 2011

GLENDALE, AZ - JANUARY 10:  An Auburn Tigers flag is displayed at their Tostitos BCS National Championship Game against the Oregon Ducks at University of Phoenix Stadium on January 10, 2011 in Glendale, Arizona.  (Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)
Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

Things simply could not have been sicker for the 2011 National Champion Auburn Tigers right now..

 

Shortly after winning the National Title that it didn't get to play for - in the 2000s, things have gone downhill for War Eagle and friends.

 

VOMIT! Defensive God Nick Fairley and God-With-Controversy Cameron Newton (and my God, didn't Cam make a fool out of himself at the NFL Combine?), nominated for NFL riches instead of staying for another year. With the NFL lockout, that's not looking like a great idea.


VOMIT - AND DEATH! Alabama fan Harvey Updyke gets pissed at the fact that Auburn fans toilet papering the trees at Toomer's Corner - the ones which get pounded with toilet paper after every Auburn victory - so instead of peeing on them and telling all his buddies about it like any good football fan should do, he poisons them, and destroys one of college football's greatest legacies. This guy Updyke's a little passionate, by the way. His daughter's called Crimson, his son's called Bear (We don't know whether his wife's called Auburn, or if he uses Tide washing powder). He tells a radio station about it, and suddenly becomes the most famous Alabama Crimson Tide fan since Joe Namath.

 

VOMIT - AND GUNS! Then, starter Michael McNeil and three others (Antonio Goodwin, Shaun Kitchens and Dakota Mosley) decide to rob someone's house, and they get caught, charged, and thrown off the team.

 

VOMIT - AND MUSCLE GUNS! On March 3, H-Back Eric Smith was booted for domestic violence.

 

VOMIT - AND BYE!! Derek Winter, Phillip Pierre-Louis, Andre Harris and Robert Cooper weren't going to start and have exited stage left, but Coach Gene Chizik didn't even mention their names. Christ, and these guys were actually pretty well-behaved (ie we didn't hear anything bad about these kids (correct us if we're wrong))!

 

We're sorry, War Eagle. It's going to look like a year that should see your fans with their heads in the toilet.

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