To Whom it May Concern:
I'm writing this letter to you in regards to your current coaching staff opening. I would like to strongly, urgently, and stringently request that you take a good long look at Shawn Watson.
In fact, before you go any further in this letter, I urge you to walk over to your fancy lacquered cabinets, pull out some of your overly expensive, undoubtedly foreign, liquor and have a minimum of seven shots.
Or, for those of you keeping track, approximately the same amount of games he's cost Nebraska in the last two years.
Mr. Watson is currently the offensive coordinator at the University of Nebraska and has given us two years of exemplary service.
During 2007 and 2008 he produced Top-25 offenses and learned from the man widely renowned as the most brilliant college coach in the game; a man referred to as the DaVinci of Defense and the Muhammad Ali of Working the Referee.
I am, of course, referring to none other than one Bill Callahan, esquire.
No, that's not a typo.
He's worked at the school for five years, but two of them were very good. Two out of five sure ain't bad. Why, that's 40%, and you can be sure that he'll deliver 40 times out of 100 for you as well.
In fact, I believe it was the famous patriot, Patrick Henry, that once said, "Give me Liberty. . .or give me 2/5 of Liberty because that's also just as good."
Coach Watson lead us to key victories over powerhouse squads from New Mexico State and Louisiana-Lafayatte. Rest assured, ladies and gentleman, both of these schools have terrifying team names.
He also was behind the one point upset of Ball State during their dynasty's height in 2007 and orchestrated the scoring attack of 2009 in which we hung seven points on Iowa State and ten on Oklahoma.
He did all of this, might I add, while looking damn good in a gray Nebraska sweatshirt. Let's be honest, he really filled out his coaching booth in the upper decks well.
In the coming seasons for your program he would undoubtedly be able to bring in hefty endorsement deals from LL Bean and Just For Men Gel; producing a fat payday for your university.
If you're looking for an offensive coordinator and/or a coach, or just thinking about all the hilarious "Sherlock Holmes" references you can make to impress your office mates then I can do nothing but strongly recommend him.
I hope at this point you're good and liquored up. That way, perhaps, you'll think that Watson is a wise hire.
In summary, Coach Watson is the college football version of a truck-stop hooker.
He's not particularly attractive but, with your veins coursing with a steady flow of desperation and amphetamines, he might just look good enough to get into bed with.
I'm looking at you, Steve Pederson.
Please, please, please, please, please hire Shawn Watson.
I'm not sure if Bo will fire him and we desperately need him to get the hell out of Lincoln.
Thank you for your time,
(*Author's Note: While looking into Steve Pederson for this post, I discovered that he has exactly 1 "like" on Facebook. Suck it, Steve.)