Dear Coach Addazio,
One day, we'll laugh about this.
Laugh about what, you might ask?
Wait, you seriously don't get it?
Okay, here goes nothing.
Let's look at your tenure as an assistant—and briefly, the head—coach on Urban Meyer's staff at the University of Florida.
We'll definitely remember a lot of good things, like your role on the coaching staff that led the Gators to two SEC and BCS National Championships in just six seasons.
Also, the Florida faithful sincerely appreciate your efforts as the interim head coach while Urban Meyer took his leave of absence, which included locking up the 2010 recruiting class.
Additionally, you were well-respected in the locker room and many of your players, including Tim Tebow and Maurkice Pouncey, have said nothing but good things about you.
Unfortunately, that's where the good stuff ends.
No, I'm not kidding.
Do you remember those two years you spent as the offensive coordinator—well, the two seasons you tried to be the offensive coordinator in 2009 and 2010?
You just held the job this past season.
You didn't know—wait, what?
Oh, that explains a lot.
Really, it does.
Well, allow me to let you in on a little secret: there's a reason why the fans were booing this season and it wasn't because of the weird orange jerseys.
You weren't that good.
For starters, running the halfback dive again and again and again is not exactly the most "gung ho" offensive strategy in the SEC.
As a matter of fact, it isn't a good strategy at any level of football.
So here's some friendly advice: don't try it at Temple.
Also, remember all of those times you insisted that the offense was completely fine and that the main problem was just a lack of execution?
Yeah, don't pee on my head and tell me it's raining.
When a team as talented as Florida ranks eighth in the SEC in scoring offense (29.2 points per game) and tenth in total offense (356.8 yards per game), that's a lack of execution by the coaches as well as the players.
So, in a nut shell, your two seasons as the offensive coordinator were simply hilarious.
It almost seems like Meyer tabbing you to replace Dan Mullen was all part of a huge practical joke that went way too far.
How could a coach with such a lack of strategic intelligence and an inability to adjust a game plan become the second-most powerful man on Meyer's coaching staff at Florida?
It's a confusing and bewildering ride to the top of the mountain that parallels that of Ron Zook's ascension to head coach of the Gators in 2002.
And to parlay your ineptitude and underachieving into a head coaching job?
Not only should it induce heavy laughter, but it's actually quite impressive.
Maybe you're a smarter cookie than we thought.
Anyway, I wish you the best of luck as the head coach of the Owls.
Try to make sure that you spend a little more time studying film now seeing as Meyer won't be there to cover up for your mistakes and one more thing: hire an offensive coordinator and let the man do his job.
P.S. Can we help you pack? If you need anything at all to help the move go more smoothly, we'll be there at the drop of a hat.